The memory rewind, No more crosses, and the content goodbye

 Every word of this is true and if anyone says otherwise they are a liar.  Big smile…….  Things are well…. Remember this is all in the past…….a rewind of memories.  The world for me now is a much better place.  I have been through a lot.. and that’s ok… I smile as I type…happy ….content…..anxious for each day……truly.

Now I WILL take credit here. 

I will miss all of you…..and

Im ………not coming back

ever

No Im not joking indeed.  You see this is also the last blog entry.  In time I may take up another cross.  But for now …..Life is good…

Where was i?

Oh yeah…..My daughter had turned 18 and I was looking forward to it because I knew my child support would drop….and I could help Jen directly.  Wrong…..Mary contacted child support services to keep taking out more money.  I was devastated….again…… no discussion……no fact checking….just hand us more money because we said so.  Wait….thats not exactly true.  They didn’t ask for it….they just took it from my paycheck…however much they wanted…or guestimated …or felt like….just put a big number number down....he doesnt have a choice..  

The fuck Trey department was not only putting in overtime with pleasure….it had healthy budget increases.

I called child support services and said….”uh my daughters 18….. child support stops for her. 

“that’s not what it says here sir”

Uh yeah… it does……how can that be??.....shes 18

“that’s not what it says here sir”

Maybe your not understanding…..you see …my daughters 18 years old.

“that’s not what it says here sir”

I don’t understand

“that’s not what it says here sir”

Why do you keep saying that?  Maam ..look at a calendar….  My daughters birthday is April 2^nd ..this is July.

“that’s not what it says here sir”

Im starting to recognize a pattern here….god doesn’t like me. 

That’s ok …I don’t think much of him either.

Jordan was very close to me...I miss him terribly.   We had talked all the time and i mean all the time about what he wanted when it was his decision to decide where to live, we discussed every part of it …..all the time. Was he sure he wanted to come live with me ??? it would hurt his mom. It would be a big change for him. His mom could come and see him anytime she wanted and anytime he wanted to see her I would take him.  This was the biggest decision of his life and we discussed it many many many many times.  He never wavered he always said as soon as I can I want to come live with you dad.  Six months before that was to happen….out of the blue…. he changed his mind. For the first 11 years and 6 months of his life he was coming to be with me without question…….and then…he ………

changed his mind.

Im not sure…..but I think

I’ve had enough

Give me a minute here

No …..im sure of it.

Ive had enough

I had told him to be careful…that she will bribe him into staying. Of course she had and …it all worked……New dog….new toys…….i even warned him and we spoke about it often……he said don’t worry Im not going to change my mind.  I had spent every day for the last 10 years waiting for this moment. At the same time the attorney I hired to help me with this decided that I should be paying more in child support.   I was paying more in child support than any man I have ever personally met.  It was insane.  No one paid as much as I had to…at least anyone I ever met.  The amount of money I was making was just over half as much money as I was before but the attorneys decided that I should be paying more. It was INSANE….I knew guys who were barely paying anything…50 bucks a month …which is too low…...not that I think that’s fair either.  I realize kids cost money…and worth it too.  But when you  cant even afford to go get your kids for important occasions like birthdays and Christmas….or even buy them presents……  uh….somethings got to change.  It was absurd…..and unbelievably hard for them….and for me.  Everyone i approached to help me save my family did the exact opposite. I could have killed them all.

Correction…..Ive had more than enough

I think I’ll just……find someone overseas and …….settle down. Hehehe that’s a whole other story…but it deserves some mention here….yeah….i almost got married…… but was saved at the last minute ….hehehe because ……you guessed it….she was cheating!  (its funny she had the BALLS  to tell all her friends I was cheating….to hide the truth….made up completely out of thin air) LOL its ok…..whew….saved this time!!!!!!…. my heart lives for another day……Big smile.

SIDEBAR: i need to clarify things here i think...no she wasnt my soulmate..or a once in a lifetime catch...it was a connection..and i gave her the opportunity to step up and demonstrate she merited  my heart.......she failed....quickly....so i recovered .....fast..no loss......she was just....a  piece of shit.....in disguise

back to the world
.

Every attempt I made to get closer to my Jen was met with resistance and every chance that I had to try to get close to her she fought.  Everyone would always say you can’t give up.  I would tell them you don’t understand …..there’s nothing to give up on. Jordan was the last straw …..There was no more pain that I could handle and no more that I was willing to endure.  All that I wanted to share and to help raise my kids was……. beyond gone.  I remember dropping to the ground in the driveway sobbing to my daughter the day I moved out (her mother was smiling in the window…she had keyed my car the night before.) telling her that things will never be the same….and that I never wanted any of this….and the tears were for her…for what she would miss.…  I know we both wanted things to be different. 

Im not bitter… just incredibly sad.  

I still feel good about who I am even though nothing with my kids turned out as it should have…there are still many things still left to do and hopefully one day I can share a relationship with them that helps them heal.

Neither of us got what we deserved…and all of us deserved better.  I got nothing and my kids got my wife…. Whose greatest accomplishments were cooking broccoli and washing clothes …and she was a a pretty good liar...….  Good luck with that when things get tough and you need emotional support and good advice, or  help in calculus class…..but take heart because she certainly is an expert at ……well….. I think I mentioned the broccoli.

 I think we both got cheated.  I predict they will have a hard life ahead.  Of course my exwife will blame it on me…..hell I’m not even there …how can it be MY fault???  She’s the one with no parenting skills!!! 

There are many other stories of note….love…..relationships, friendships…but perhaps another time.  This process was more to set the record straight….before I get too old and forget things both good and bad.    Not everything goes as planned.  Ive had a good life and even though unlucky at times I want my kids to understand where they came from….and to know that they will always be missed. 

I want them to know that I love them…more than they will ever know….that never changed …..and that will NEVER change of course even though we are not together.  Im sorry that door is closed for us right now.  I do not know when it will be open again.  But one day it will.  I promise.  That day WILL come and it will take a lot of courage and forgiveness to get us there.  I know you have much to tell me about how hard things have been, how angry and sad and upsetting all of this has been.  Please know that I never expected things to happen the way they did……...that is a tough lesson …one that’s not easily overcome.

… so I want you to know that I am waiting for that day.  When you are ready to find me.   I am proud of you both so very much!!!  So be strong and help each other until then.

Life hands people many hard times….

Disappointments……

Pain of separation from people you love….

Not much compares with losing your house, all your money, your best friend, then your soulmate and then.....your kids.

I have lost many things precious but there are people much worse off than me…..so I wish all of you good fortune and happiness…. I may not have been the luckiest …..but waiting for the love train…I am still….A happy man….

I wake up with good thoughts about what might happen today..…and tomorrow.  I smile when I think about what might be ahead.  Every day important…. antiaircraft fire at night kind of has that affect.

No Im not joking

Bring it…..paki suyo kunin mo isang magandang araw bago. 

POSTSCRIPT: Sa blog nang tapos na.  pwede Pahinga ako mahaba panahon…….paalam mga mahal.  Sinosuerte parin tayo…..malaki ngiti kasama sama

.
POSTSCRIPT DEUX:  This is my last will and testament.  My daughter and my son should split my assets equally as coexecuters

The bike built for two, a farewell to lotus, and the coming of….. Buppey man!!!!

Every word of this is true and if anyone says otherwise they are a liar.  I have to back up a minute….hehe…so this posting is not in the right place…in time… so I have to digress because in my old age I accidently skipped some stuff…..patawarin mo ko.  Bear with me…hehehe I know it sounds like a broken record….but the hits just keepa comin! Now I cant take credit here.

Sweat beginning to pour down

My neck as I turn around

Just get off this outing

A farewell Swan song

See you know how turbulence can be

One more red nightmare indeed. I had to trade in everything to pay off her credit cards. I was in shock…..there goes retirement.  This had to stop …..I took control of the bills and dug us out.  It took all of my investments…my retirement money, life insurance policies for the kids….all of it ..gone.  I let her have control of the money back because she threw a fit…..and within a year…. she had done it again…. We were deep in debt.

I had a confused look on my face when I approached her ……asking slowly. 

Do

You

Not

Realize

You

Are

Ruining

Your

Childrens

Future?

As usual she just blew the question off…..either A….. that was part of her plan.  Or B …she was incredibly stupid.

Or C….how bout both

The plan???? Spend more than everything because I would be responsible for her debt…after we divorced.  That plan was very thorough….and sadly a success.   She would “hang in there” for the required ten years that would allow her to collect my social security.  And she did…..the divorce came three months after being married for ten years….  Pure evil.

I had to sell the lotus to pay off her credit cards ….again…. I didn’t even have a credit card…and she would say every week “it’s almost paid off, it’s almost paid off”  I would see the statements and it was a lie…Plain and simple.

It got worse

every month.   

The lotus was an investment for my daughter’s college.  But I had to sell it to pay her debt.  I also had to withdraw all of Jennings college fund to pay her cards off….again.

Jens college money…..all of it…... Gone.   Thanks Mary.

Enough of that.  Music was still great refuge for me.  I had written over 100 songs and even recorded an album…I was very proud of that.  My son I think understands…hehehe at least I hope he does!

I remember feeling so good by wanting to surprise my wife and bought a bicycle built for two with a baby seat and a baby trailer for valentine’s day…it was romantic!  ..so all four of us could spend time together as a family.  My wife looked at it with disgust and said “why didn’t you just buy two bikes?? “ What a buzz kill. On a good day a rock was better romantic company.  She rode it only once.

So I took a job where I had to drive 3 hours roundtrip every day but i would be home at night.  It didnt help... My daughter was growing apart from me and i discovered why my wife was cold.... She was having an affair.  I was crushed....I went from shock to numb.   I demanded She seek counseling for her brothers sexual abuse because I wanted her to heal….because I wanted her to cope with her past…..just like a good partner should..I said we would do it together…..  I would support her….that didn’t help either….turned out the social worker we got to help her …hatched a plan to help her instead get me into counseling so he could make up what she wanted and show the court that I was unfit…he would just ….make it up…. And then of course bill me. While I was trying to help her…she was trying to find new and improved ways of screwing me over. 

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing….they were going to set out to do it together....all behind my back…... the pure evil of it all . It was worse than a bad dream……it was reality.  He called himself “santa clause”  because he was going to deliver what she wanted ….my kids.  Mind you this is the guy I hired to help my wife through being abused. 

And then we entered marriage counseling…. we took some tests and i will never forget the results.  The psychologist explained them.. The results?? I knew who I was …..I knew who she was..... She didn’t know who I was and…. she didn’t know who she was. 

I wasn’t surprised in the least. 

When I told the counselor what my wife was doing raising Jen …..she said…. quote “you need parenting lessons Mrs. Logan”. I was a torn man; my wife was destroying our marriage and poisoning my daughter.  I cannot count the times I begged her to please change ….

And then ….Jordan came. My wife cried she had gotten pregnant because she said she ”didn’t want to have any more kids with me.”  Jordan though is a blessing.  He is truly a fantastic boy..  he’s my buppie man! ….make no mistake I still love my daughter….she just doesn’t know it.   One day I hope things will be different. But I will never forgive my ex-wife for being so cold as to cry when she got pregnant with my son.

Our accountant messed up our taxes and I had to come up with 10 thousand dollars to pay Uncle Sam money he didn’t deserve. So I took a night teaching job….. But Mary still spent everything and I had to get a loan to fix it. Again…..  heehe are you recognizing a pattern here??

My job was still hard…. driving 3 hours a day so I took an offer as a medical physicist in Roanoke. That way I could be home all the time and the owner said he would sell me the business in a year …….he lied.  So i took a job at Roanoke memorial but home life was proving to be more challenging every day. I had a wife who didn’t love me and was doing one hell of a good job sabotaging our marriage and a daughter who was unhappy at home as a result too.  I will say those times were very hard for all of us.  I was increasingly frustrated at my wife’s behavior and my daughter’s unhappiness.  And I will admit my own part in all that.  I was getting angrier and angrier because nothing I did would work…..vacations….. dinner out,  expensive gifts and toys, trying to be patient. I truly wanted to be dad and husband of the year…hehehehe  so I was always working harder and harder to do more…I thought that if I gave everything she would see …..I would still not break or give up trying.

The truth was….i worked on the relationship…

she worked on getting out of it. 

I remember I used to rush home every day and clean the house from top to bottom before she got home, to do my part and ……not once ……did she ever say thank you for helping.  Yet I always told her thank you for cooking or cleaning or for anything she did.  So I asked her….”doing all this work around the house doesn’t make a difference in our relationship does it?” Without hesitating she said “no”.  I stopped doing anything around the house immediately.  Ill never forget it. She was so used to walking in to a spotless house after work. I would rush home and literally run through the house doing as much as I could before she got home.

 The next day I touched nothing and the house was a disaster.  She walked in and I just stood there waiting for her reaction.  She looked around and then looked at me like she could just kill me.  That’s about the time she said, and I remember it word for word “ I wish you would hurry up and die like your dad should have done 10 years ago”. 

My wife was the one who told me not to let my own dad come around anymore.  He and I didn’t have a great relationship anyway …but I had to please her and so he wasn’t welcome anymore …to satisfy her.  I will always regret that.  

I have to say in full disclosure and truthfulness…that my spirit was breaking down.  I couldn’t smile anymore about what the future held for my family….and it showed. 

For my son: Listen to jeff becks song called led boots….  Jeff beck played with jimmy page before led zeppelin formed…..Also catch “take if off the top” by the Dixie dregs.  I miss you very much and hopefully we can talk soon!!!! 

For my daughter:  Your mom and dad love you.  I think about you all the time.  Im sorry you never got the dad you wanted.  But it was not my fault.  Am I pointing a finger at your mom.  You bet..our failed marriage was 99% her fault and I will be happy to admit my 1%.  Am I wrong about other things???  Yes I have made plenty of mistakes…..Saying “I’m sorry” has never really been hard for me to say.  And you deserve to hear that. Your daddy still loves you and I’m sorry.

One more red nightmare

Bring it……..bring the truth.  Im not looking for pity or sympathy. On the contrary Im glad my marriage was finally over.  It taught me a lot.  Hardship is a great teacher.  It made me get up……..stronger.  (man…. I miss football).  My heart is still open…..very much so….and yours should be too.

POSTSCRIPT: Does this paint my ex in a bad light????  Since every word of this is true…  I don’t care.  But I have been labeled as the bad father….and I want the record straight about who did what.  Do I have my mistakes??   You bet.  I have my regrets…but I also have my dreams and wishes…...big smile…..did I mention you have to work pretty hard to kill me?????.... the love train rolls on……..

The luck department, the one month job, and the LAST lawyer…ever

Every word of this is true and if anyone says otherwise they are a liar.  I know this has been long, but we are slowly arriving into the recent past. Hehehe I think that makes sense….  Remember this is all just a recounting of things past….. big smile.  There is always light at the end of the tunnel…..sometimes you just have to wait to see it.  Now I can’t take credit here

There’s a message

On the wire

And I’m sending you this signal tonight

Missing you indeed.  Eventually Shanna and I moved to charlotte.  Money was very tight…it was very hard to find work……and I was making less and less with each job.  It wasn’t my fault hospitals just started paying less and less. But that didn’t stop Mary from demanding more and more money.  It really made no sense.   Attorneys kept saying I needed to pay more.   I had bought another boat because I needed a place to stay when I went to see the kids……I can hear Mary saying “oh your fathers rich” but that was never the case …I spent everything to get it and even borrowed money …..because it was a way to see the kids…..not because I wanted a boat..  It was a place to stay so I could see them on the weekends.  Jordan was happy to come.  Jennings hated it.

We were living in Atlanta and understandably I was missing my kids so bad. And then my heart broke. Shanna ….well…out of respect ….i will be kind and just say…she messed things up between us…not on purpose….but the damage was done because my kids ended up being the victims…. And I would not allow it to happen again.

... I felt so bad for my kids….. I had not seen them in months, missed them so badly and could not believe what had happened. The love of my life had, in the space of an hour destroyed our relationship….. and my kids still didn’t have the dad they deserved.

I took on extra work for the weekends and another job as an FDA consultant.  So I was working three jobs. 
I naively thought I could get back in their lives. The consulting job put me in DC so I would be closer to them so I took the chance and moved.  It took all my money to get there.

The job lasted one month

When I got my paycheck it was much less than I was told I would be getting.  Frantically I took a job in West Virginia. That way at least I could see them on the weekends.

The pay was shit but I was glad to finally get close to them. 

But that didn’t happen.

My daughter was gone. Understandably consumed with anger and bitterness for the family that was broken and hatred for me because i was not there for her…and when I was she couldn’t stand to be near me.   At this point she didn’t want me around.  And i confess that i was broken because i never wanted any of that for her. I desperately wanted to be a good dad but never got a chance. There were many months that i could not afford a place to live because my child support was too high and i could not afford a place to stay AND make child support payments. Unfortunately the salary in wv was so bad that I couldn’t afford to go see them …gas prices were too high….. yeah money was THAT tight…that I couldn’t afford the three hour trip on weekends to go see them.  Pot pies were fifty cents apiece and a weeks supply of dinner was $3.50 plus tax.

But Mary by god she got her check.

Hehe on the bright side…I was playing a lot of guitar around town and three seasons of semipro football was way too much fun.

Then I got the wonderful news that my educational loan decided to garnish my wages…. taking out 700$ a month out of my paycheck……..for the next 25 years.  Not bad for a degree I couldn’t use.

It seems every attorney I approached was a fantastic liar.  I still wonder why that’s a surprise.  They would say things to reassure me then completely do the opposite once in the courtroom.  I made less and they just pulled numbers out of their ass and said I owed it. It was a lawyer trick…tell the client what they want to hear…get you in front of the judge where they knew you wouldn’t do anything to embarrass yourself…then screw you over because they had arranged it all  ….together before you went in….then afterward share the next wonderful plan of how to fix it…..which was sure to screw you over some more……then send you a bill…

I naively thought I would attempt just once to get the child support adjusted correctly.   The attorney ASSURED me… he had NEVER lost a petition to get it lowered.  But guess what????  The day before going to court he told me …you guessed it…..it was going up!!!  Same story… claim you cant lose…go to court …fuck it up….come out and say “calm down everythings ok…I can fix this” which is EXACTLY what happened.

……that’s billable right?

Like I say…every word of this is true…..  I made 33 percent less now than when the court decided what I should pay five years ago.  It doesn’t take much brain power to realize that a chief tech position in a big Roanoke hospital pays a lot more than a staff tech in Podunk west Virginia.  Of course what I should pay is culmination of my exes income and mine.  Guess what ???  she told her attorney (with no proof) that she made 90 k/year!!!!!!!  45 dollars an hour????  Really???  Really???  Where do I sign up???

The luck department was not only out to lunch…. They had been replaced by the fuck Trey department.  Fully staffed …..fully funded. 

SIDEBAR: Ready?? Using this formula…if my wife claimed she made half a million dollars a year and I made 50 k/year…I would owe her …….every penny I make…..just 50k/year.  What a deal!

Lets see that leaves me…….nothing….zero. ….at all.

Wait a minute…. I take that back…that’s only 10 percent of the total income..... which is waaaaaayyy too low.  So let make it a more reasonable number..say 20 percent of the total…..  ok that’s sounds better.

So lets see here...lets say I made 50 k/year and she made half a mil.  I only owe…….a reasonable 100k/year …….with my 50k/year salary…….. Reasonable.

SIDEBAR 2: My attorney was a genius…….The same attorney that couldn’t do math outlined just how we would proceed when I told him that my son wanted to come live with me. It went like this:  QUOTE

“Let’s see if you can spend more time with him. Can you ask your exwife if you can spend more time with him???  We’’ll document that over the next year..…and then petition the courts”

My unspoken answer went: Where did you get your law degree?? Disneyland?? You’re a moron.  Do you want to do this before or after my wife gets papers on the issue or even THINKS that we are going to attempt to let him come live with me???  Because the SECOND she finds out she will effortlessly make a fake call and lie to the police that I threatened her life and guess what I get??? A restraining order.  You’ve heard of those??  Most attorneys I thought knew about those.  Surely I can even get some jail time with that too.  It will look great on my resume.

Hey Ive got an idea…  after I have to give the bondsman….everything I own to come up with the money to get out of jail…..I can call you for help!!!!!!!  ……. That’s billable?? Right????

 Now I want to make sure.. this will happening AFTER you get to bill me for a year’s work that is guaranteed….GUARANTEED to fail  but also insure…INSURE….that I cant get another job….EVER….AND…… cant see my son …….at all. ..AT ALL…..….right????  That’s your plan??? Really???  Really??? 

I cant imagine why I would be upset.

I’ll say it again.  If you’re an attorney I’ll be happy to meet you somewhere and beat the shit out of you.

With wonderful advice like this its easy to see why the Fuck Trey department was so successful…everyone  on board, maximum fucking.   By now it was ready to go national…an IPO offering…… Were talking Wallmart, Starbucks, Applebees ……it cant lose…brilliant!!!!! and lastly….great advice……

thanks for your help. 

 I slept in my car many nights just to make child support payments and she was always threatening to take me back to court for more……When I was living in my car.  Unfortunately the money was so bad in WV  that I couldn’t afford to go see my kids …gas prices were too high…..Then…. The water got cut off….. the heat got cut off…..The car broke down……..so I walked to work every day.

Back to the world….Jordan, who did his best, was and is wonderful fun and a great son. I would get him every few weeks ( thats all i could afford) and spend weekends on the boat…..before the car stopped working. 
I would pick him up for the weekend and my heart broke knowing my daughter was hiding so she didnt have to see me.

She had worked hard to let me know she didnt want me around and i finally gave in.  I couldnt fight anymore to try and reach her. 
It was too painful....

For my daughter:  you are a strong girl and I am proud of you! Remember the little book I gave you.  I remember you said to me that you “never listen to anything” your mom or I tell you.  You’re mom and I love you very much.  In many ways you are more than she ever was or ever could be.  I know she is proud of you too…….big smile

For my son:  “Throw the ball” really isn’t fantastic advice when your pitching baseball.  Develop your talents…..learn your weaknesses and make them strong.  You will need a lot of self endurance and dedication to get through this world.  If you don’t take time to grow your own spirit…..  you will not find happiness.  Take on tasks that may seem hard at first…and complete them…….a reward is something you earn…..you will get irreplaceable satisfaction from conquering something hard. …. and if you can’t complete a task…give it everything you’ve got. 

I aint missin you

I can lie to myself

Bring it…..bring some patience.  Hehehee.  I got plenty to share….big smile…..and im pretty tough…  This is all winding down….the present is just around the corner.  Malapit na.

The second affair, sour raisins, and the lifetime son and daughter give away sweepstakes winner

I realize this is going downhill fast….and most know where it’s probably headed.  Do I have an agenda ??  Admittedly so…but I won’t apologize for it.  Now I can’t take credit here.

You can’t always get what you want

You can’t always get what you want

You can’t always get what you want

You can’t always get what you want indeed.

Where was I? oh yeah…..I bought a boat because i wanted the kids to have good family memories that I didn’t have..  That never happened. Soon after I got the boat I was counseling at church camp for a week with my daughter which was great fun!!!!! And when I got back I discovered my wife …. You guessed it….was having another affair.  I had worked so hard to be a good husband, cleaning the house, working, loving with all my heart, fixing things myself to save money. But it was over.  I would not put up with any more cheating….but truly…it was not just a sign that the marriage was over…in was that I never had one at all. 

Something interesting happened then….. I discovered that 3 of Mary’s friends and coworkers had done the same thing…. THE SAME WEEK…. they had been planning it for years…. Sharing information about attorney’s strategies on how to spend all the money put us in debt and then…… kick the husbands out. Because they knew we would have to pay for it….  Use us then take the kids and our money. They got their husbands to set them up in new houses then kick us all out.  It was unbelievably evil.  Beyond anything Satan could have devised.  Our lives torn up …..for a buck …..and more importantly our kids were victims. They would never have that loving family home they deserved. 

 

I gave up. She won. I quit…..but the reverse of that was that I was free.  I have to admit…my heart was not sore for even one second.  I was glad it was over.

My wife celebrated the next weekend with a pool party in the pool I built for us to have memories of playing with my kids. But that wouldn’t happen.

 She had finally gotten rid of me.  Any picture of me with the kids was taken down immediately.  I’m not sure my kids ever understood she had kept all of us in the dark for so long ……because she was an expert liar…and still is.
I moved onto the boat because i had nowhere else to go. 

I was crushed because I had done all I could but the harder I tried the worse our family got.
It had been a fight before to save my family.  Unbelievably from there…. it just got worse.  My attorney told me that it was useless to fight for custody because the women always won and that I would pay him to give my kids away. I remember he laughed when he told me and I remember his exact words “Mr. Logan you are just going to pay me to give your kids away”. I could have killed him.  Remember this was MY attorney…the one I hired…...not hers.  I asked my mom to help me fight to keep the kids 50/50 and was heartbroken at her response.  She said I should let Mary raise them…..I cut her out of my life totally and immediately…we will never speak again.  Every attorney I hired to help…literally made things worse...and helped the other side…and then billed me.  It was a nightmare beyond description. 

I was lucky enough to get my Private investigators license.  Divorce had been so hard and no one had any answers …I thought it would be a good thing to help other people who were going through the same problems…having their lives turned upside down was traumatic and I would do my best to help people through it.  I even had some time on k-92 where I would find lost people…lost loves, family members, childhood friends and such and we would reunite them on the air.  It was very satisfying
I set out to do what was right and bought a duplex because i could save money for the kids, jennings however didn’t like being in the ghetto and hated being there ……and with me. It broke my heart… I had lost the fight for my marriage and now I was fighting my daughter too. 

Then my best friend in the world Chad died in a car wreck. Truly my best friend.

 

Then …..I got lucky…..I met Shanna …..the one true love of my life.  

 

I got a job at lewis gale and unlucky for me marys attorney found a way to take most of my money.  Regardless of what I did….. Everyone was eager to make things worse.  I remember the attorneys laughing together saying “he can see them on Christmas day cant he? Will that be ok??”  They laughed and smiled, enjoying the look of pain they were causing and I would just have to sit there and take it.  It was fun for them. 

 From that point on I was overpaying her in child support.  No formula was EVER used …they just made up whatever the fuck they thought I should pay and that was that. I made less every year but every time I spoke to an attorney about it they wanted to increase it.  It made no sense at all.  Every other job that I had made less money…but I never took her back to court to get the payments adjusted…because it was supposed to be for the kids…. And who knows what lies she was telling the kids. I was bitter yes…. i was upset yes... But i had every reason to be….. my family was ripped from me and i was powerless to be a good dad,  while my wife spent my money happily in the house i built for us…and the people I hired to help me….always ended up helping her.  If you’re an attorney I’ll be happy to meet you somewhere of your choosing and beat the shit out of you….dont care about charges or going to jail for it……ill be smiling the whole time.
At that point work at lewis gale had become too stressful.  As a chief tech the money was great but it was too hard to keep it going and keep the kids…I had to be on call and there were times the kids had to go with me when I got called in..even in the middle of the night.  It was too much for them and for me.  So I stepped down.  The problem was….i had worked at the only two hospitals in Roanoke…which meant I HAD to move.  I didn’t  WANT to.  There were no open positions within driving distance…none…. But I had to work..the kids had to eat..mary had to be paid. …so there was nothing I could do. I was lucky enough to get a job in Florida.  In my kids eyes…I abandoned them…which broke my heart. Florida was far..but I thought it would be great to have the kids come there.  They did come one time..and we had a blast.  I went to see them for Christmas ….and my wife served me with more papers demanding more money.  Sour raisins???  I admit it.  But with damn good reason…so I don’t want to hear any shit from anyone that i need to just let it go.because yeah I .....AM.... over it so you can save the “you need to move on…get over it” speech.  Is that what I should tell my kids about the divorce??   “”you need to get over it?”  Healing is much better…..

For my daughter: I wish I was there for you

For my son: I wish I was there for you

Bring it…….bring the healing.  Life is tough for everyone….  I know that. Sometimes sharing is really the only thing that is comforting…so if you find someone worth having….you better hold onto them…. Big smile

POSTSCRIPT: The love train is fine …..gusto kong mag isa lang…malaki ngiti
POSTSCRIPT DEUX: I think ive already written about it ...but hehehe i cant help but recall one more story...one time the ex and I were discussing women and she told me that "men like bitches" ....y...eah...we like that.....thats what i want...a bitch. hehe well...I got one....i didnt like it that much.  

3rd grade Haiku, The first affair, and the coming of scrumpalumpers!!

Every word of this is true and if anyone says otherwise they are a liar. Life is good….big smile.  I miss my kids though and hope they are treating each other well.  One day we will be able to have normal contact.  But for now that can’t be.  I hope one day they will understand.  Now I can’t take credit here.

This is the end

Beautiful friend

The last few months of school I met a girl named Mary. 

I asked someone about her six months before and they said she was dating someone….so I forgot about her.  Near the end of school they came back to me and said “said she was available..  I said “who?”  I had forgotten about her totally but asked her out anyway.  I had heard some bad things about her sleeping around….every time I saw her she was looking down….. at herself walk. She was definitely not my type.   The night we were supposed to go out I told a friend to tell her that I was too busy to go. She never got the message and showed up anyway. There were many signs we should not have been together….. I just ignored them. She fell asleep in the theater during our first date when we were watching silence of the lambs which is absolutely unbelievable and then I found out she actually cheated on her boyfriend that weekend just to be with me.  As I would find out later that was a regular theme for her…and all her friends.  Her friends were all that way too.  She ran (and still does) with a trashy crowd….birds of a feather.     

We moved to Roanoke to start a family and build a home.  Mary had gotten a job as a staff technologist at memorial and I had gotten a great job as chief technologist for a mobile operation. We lived with her parents for a few months while the house was being built. I was proud of myself because I had done many things inside the house to make it more like we wanted.  I built a rock wall by hand and our own pool.  I had skylights put in and wired it for sound. And the central vacuum I was very proud of.   Later on my neighbor Hal and I built a large screened in porch off the master bedroom……and the laundry shute…  (which she boarded up after I left). 
I tried my hand at painting……to put some art in the house…but I was no good!!  My sister got all of that talent. . 

Jennings was born and our life was fantastic.  My wife was working only three days a week had a Mercedes, a pool and a maid.  What more could you want?  Jennings will never appreciate how beautiful she was as a young child.  She was absolutely gorgeous. Such a joy..i wish I had the video…….scrumpalumpers!!!!!!!!!!!   Soon after that my wife quit her job at Carilion.  she told me it was because she did not want to work there ….the truth I found out later was that she was causing too much trouble with the male doctors by flirting with them….we had only been married a few months.. Truth is they didn't want her there because she was causing too much trouble. 

Then I got a great offer to help start another company…and I was going to be a part owner and things were great...... For about 5 months ...once i had done all the work to get them started ... They fired me and replaced me with some no name guy who could barely speak English.  No that’s not a joke.. I was stunned.  I told them they would not last 3 months..... I was happy to know they only lasted a few weeks. Stupid sucks.   I had to have a job…… and fast so i took a job that was three hours away …. it was the only one I could get. ... This meant I was only home on the weekends... I was sad but there wasn’t anything i could do. Little did I know that my wife was sneaking her boyfriend in after she put Jennings to bed while I was out of town..  That’s how I found out about the first affair.  I came home from being on the road and he was parked outside (at midnight) one night and I traced his car tags.  Sure enough when I mentioned the name to her…she knew him……he was a sales guy that she saw at work.  It got worse from there.  I got schooled ….and educated…..fast.  She was having an affair…..all her friends knew it and it was a great source of entertainment for them all (they were having affairs too). 

I noticed two things then…. my wife spent every cent I deposited and my daughter was growing apart from me. I spent nothing and every week Mary would say “we have no money.”  I found out why .... She was wasting it all. 50 dollar lunches for her friends, 300 dollar phone bills to her mom…  whatever I deposited she spent it ….down to the last penny.  I would have to borrow gas money sometimes just to get home.  Things got bad quickly.  I hadn’t realized that we were so different. When I met her she had been working in ultrasound for years ….but had nothing to show for it.  Where had all that money gone???? I was educated and she……..wasn’t.. and it was obvious.  She had gone to an xray program and then ultrasound….not college.  We could not have been more different. 
SIDEBAR: I have to put this in here.  Ready???? She has always lied and told the kids she went to college she just..........cant find her diploma.  hahahaha unbelievable.  She cant find her diploma.....Rrrriiiiiigggghhtt.  Yes mommy cant find her diploma.
back to the world.   I would eventually get my masters degree and she ….well…….had certainly …finished high school.  She eventually had to stop doing Jennings homework for her around 6^th  grade because quite frankly …she couldn’t do it.  One of my favorite jokes was that she got honorable mention in Jennings third grade haiku contest!  Hahha she didn’t even place…she got….honorable mention.  By then I had published at least ten articles in various science journals and health care magazines.  I had even designed a radioactive syringe shield and had a prototype built but sadly nothing became of it.  Yeah I was proud of who I was.  But hard working, honesty and dedication proved to be worthless in the land of the vindictive.  It just makes you a target.  I remember begging my wife for 9 years…count them…9 years…to get our daughter to sleep in her own bedroom. I was told “everyone does this…..its normal Trey” and yes you read that right…our daughter slept with us every night until we divorced.  Of course then she made her sleep in the other room so she could have guys over.

For my daughter:  I know you have bad memories of an unhappy home life when we were all together.  I’m really sorry for that.  I was fighting a battle I couldn’t win with your mom.  I know that was upsetting.  I want you to know I have never worked so hard to fix something and I don’t believe for a second that our marriage failed because I didn’t try everything humanly possible.  I did.  The agony of it all was that it affected you so badly.  I still wish the best for you and hope one day you understand.

For my son:  I remember playing Godzilla xbox buddy and throwing Frisbee and football…fishing at the boat and watching school of rock, pee wee herman, shooting your gun and doing your back flip off the poles in E dock. ..dont you forget those good times !!!

Of our elaborate plans, the end

Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again

Bring it…..bring that silver lining.  It may seem small sometimes but I would rather see it and share it than lose it.

POSTSCRIPT: Justin? Erica?  Really??  hahaha  think ill wait for steak.
POSTSCRIPT DEUX: I have to record this story because otherwise ill forget it! hehehe  I remember one time STING was on saturday night live....and i said something about the police..and she said... "STING was in the police?"..my jaw dropped.  Im old now but ......there is NO way...NO way you could have been in high school in 1981 and NOT have known that sting was in the police.  You would HAVE to be a full blown moron.  Literally..thats like not knowing who the president is, who your mother was or what school you went to.  I can understand if you were from an old blind woman from zimbabwe and didnt know ....but that would be like a high school girl in chicago today not knowing who beyonce is.......really.