whatcha ona bout girl??

whatcha ona bout girl??
A retrospective on the inner workings of love, flying pancakes, mensa disasters, dandelion cookies, number bending, super salt, bubblegum oysters, chicken spit, crystal kidneys, guerilla carrots, polychromatic tofu, paraphysics, tender vigilanties, black sand, phillastine placebos, wood soup, buttered shuttlecocks, apostrophe training, fish whips, bleeding speed, plastic fantastic lobster telephones, venus drug rehab, clowns on fire, kiosks on a leash, marshmello overcoats, bottled light, fried blood, unbridled hyperthyroidism, folding wine, amygdula tickling, fainting in coils, hamburgers for the apocalypse, plastic memes, and conjugal fritters.....well...the love parts true

Thursday, May 16, 2013


Youre not doing enough.  Period.  I will confess...its a passion for me ..like music.  Its hard to deny the benefits.  Anyone? Anyone want to argue?
The good news? its worth it.
The bad news?  Its NOT free....and its not easy.
Fat people use the treadmill.  They continue to use it.  They continue to be fat.
Becoming healthy and staying that way is hard.  I get upset....unjustifyably when i see someone who has tortured their body for 43 years then think they can get on the treadmill for 20 minutes ...three times a week, eat MORE salads with low fat dressing and think they will lose weight.

After three weeks they give up.

Really? That was your effort?  You spent the last 43 years gaining weight and think it will come off after three weeks?  AND cutting out some snacks???  Really?
Heres the math.  20 minutes a day...lets see that leaves 23 hours and forty minutes you didnt exercise.  Twenty minutes/day works out to 1.3 %  So you increased your workout time from 0 % to 1.3 %.  If you do it EVERY day.  Lets say its just 3 times/week.  that means there were 4 days out of 7 that you DIDNT work out.  That brings your effort to a blistering less than half a percent.  And THAT was your plan?  Fail.  Clear and simple.
 I meet fat people who say  "I take the stairs because it helps."  Yeah....talk to any olympic athlete.  "I owe this win to my trainer who suggested i start taking the stairs instead of the elevator." "Im using low fat dressing now".
Working out is no different than any other commitment.  Can you get through college with 50 % effort?  How bout your marriage?  Im sure your boss will say its ok to show up only 50 % of the time.  Wash only 50 % of your clothes or tell your bank your only going to pay  50% of your mortgage.
Its not a bad lesson to learn.  Cliche completely....but its true.  Nothing worthwhile is easy.  Plan for it to be hard.......for it to hurt when you push....to drive you nuts when you want some chips.....  To add an hour more to your workout.
When I see someone in the gym on a machine with the minimum weight and their face looks like their watching television, I ask them.  "do you look like that during sex?"  If i dont see it in your face, your wasting your time.  I grab the pin , add 30 lbs and they say .... "but thats heavy"......
"Oh.... You came here for the snacks....i mean the towels?.........the.......free CNN?"  My mistake.  Put the pin back to 5 pounds and walk away.  Yeah Im not friendly when it comes to this issue.  I have a shirt that says "shut the fuck up and train".  and i wear it.  Dont bring your doughnuts to the gym.  Bring your nuts.
Truth is ...it took a long time for me to understand what it took to get in shape and eat right.   Which means you will have to do alot of work to get to that point too.
Let me give you an example.  Several years ago I decided to watch my bread intake.  I was only going to eat dark breads.  So every time I went to Wall mart I bought the dark stuff.  Feeling good that I was doing the right thing.  Turns out they bleach the dark stuff first, remove everything worth having and then.... dye it a dark color.  So you'll buy it.


What a fuckin lie.  ....   But it gets worse.  The deeper truth is a piece of bread has a higher glycemic index than a candy bar.  Are you shitting me?  A piece of bread is worse than a snickers?
The best plan?....stop eating bread.......  period.  I didnt say it was easy....did I?

For years I cooked chicken breasts in a george forman grill because you could see the fat just ....running out the side, disgusting.......and...... and thats healthy ....right?  I was doing my part......being smart.

Then I took zenical.

The amount of fat it blocked.......blew me away.  It was a plain chicken breast.  No mayo.  No seasoning.  just a plain chicken breast.  Can you get more boring or tasteless?  surely it was ok by itself.  The zenical blocked so much fat that the grill didnt ............I was shocked...and angry.

Heres the moral.  Eating the grilled chicken salad with almonds and lite dressing at Applebees is still....killing you.  I hate to break it to you.  I was the same way.   I understand. ...and yeah it pissed me off.  
Being in shape isnt a part time job.  People walk in the gym trying to figure out how LITTLE they can do.  ...then they leave all happy that theyve done something.

People who really UNDERSTAND ...laugh inside when they see them walk out.  They ALWAYS get the MINIMUM results.  1 pound?  2 Pounds?
The point is to figure how MUCh you can do.  How much can you physically tolerate?  NOT....what can I get away with?
Sorry.....its the truth...put the minimum weight on  the machine and you will get the minimum results.  And I ........absolutely............ lose it when you put the weight on and girls say  "but i dont want big muscles."

Three reps and your going to explode with huge arms?

Your worried about having TOO MANY MUSCLES?   Being too muscular?  Have you seen the guys in this gym?  THEY ............CANT GET BIG....no matter how hard they try  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT.......the bottom line lesson for my kids is ........you better be prepared to work harder and be smarter than the companies selling you crap for food if you want to live a long and healthy life.  Or you can have a coke and a smile....while it lasts.

Monday, May 13, 2013


Its nice to see the world ……..and then see it anew.  Enough has been said of the past.
And so its time to bring the good stuff.  My kids deserve that….there are many things they need to hear....questions they cant get answers to......help they cant get because im not there.  Support that vanished.   Anger because they dont have the guidance they deserve.
I can only offer an olive branch.
Its a good thing.  In the face of certain criticism.  Being blasted.  Being shown the door.  taking your own medicine.  Being called a hypocrite.

Its worth it.

Your character depends on it.  What you see in the mirror depends on it.  How well you sleep at night depends on it.  So....dont worry...its not important.
Dont offer an olive branch.  Dont reach out.  Make the other person crawl for forgiveness.  Make them pay.  They owe you dont they?  Feel good .....youre right ...theyre wrong.....right?


Offering an olive branch is nothing more than saying "i am willing to do my part to make something broken....heal."  Offering an olive branch doenst say "you owe me" .  You cant be guilted into it.  You cant offer it at gun point.  You cant point a gun to get someone to accept it.  You cant give conditions for it.

You just...................offer it.

It doesnt hurt.  It doesnt cost.
An olive branch isnt 20%.  It isnt "lets be civil and see what the other person does".  An olive branch doenst "feel out where we stand".  You  OFFER an olive branch.
It doenst come with conditions.  Or commandments.  Or demands.
If you have the chance.  Hold back.  Dont give in.  Dont appear weak.  You can do it.  Just suck it down.  You can be strong and just ...........dont offer an olive branch.  Make them work for it.  Thats fair.


Cut an olive branch and give it away.
An olive tree has many branches.  Givng one away gives you strength.
Im not sayng trade punches with the devil.   The devil doenst accept olive branches.  He's busy on his knees being free.  Do you want to be free ....or fix a relationship worth having?  The one with the olive branch gets to decide.
What will you do with it?
Hold on to it ...or give it away?  Im not sure but holding onto an olive branch really doesn’t yield anything.  You have to give it away for It to have meaning and worth.
Is that always the answer.  I wouldn’t think so.  For some…Im sure receiving an olive branch is just an open invitation to abuse, or use.  I admit I have been guilty of not practicing what I preach sometimes.  But that doesn’t invalidate that what I say is true.  Make peace where you can.
Besides….  I rather like olives…..let me know if you want any.