Shoneys, a silver lining, and the big ugly

Oh dude…..I was disappointed……yeah…..but hey…being disappointed at the beach beats being disappointed at home!!! My dad gave me only 1 piece of decent advice EVER. “Son go to the beach and wait tables for the summer”…..Im like…… Dad…...Im not gay…….Two days later Im surfing the strand looking for work….yeah dude…..this is THE life…..After a 2 day spree I was lucky enough to be qualified for …..…Shoneys……Oh …shit……Shoneys??? Shoneys….. Shoneys????........yeah dude…....Shoneys….I was….disappointed…..my friends were killin over at the seafood places….200 bucks a nite!!! Are you kidding me??? Im in the seafood capital of the east coast serving all American burgers…….”yes sir your total is $15.75”…..lessee……10 percent is …..about…….a …..buck fitty………fan…..tastic. That should pay for ONE beer after work…..Now I can’t take credit here.

Please don’t ask me
How I feel
I feel fine

This picture was me….. benching my max at “the big ugly” strongman competition last weekend. Yeah dude…….that’l be cool….a picture of me benching big weight………she……..missed it…FRIG!!!!!!….. I was……..disappointed. I was dating this girl at the beach and I thought things were fine. I was talking to her on the phone one day and I kept hearing things in the background. She’d be gone for a minute then back…….then gone…….”what IS going on???” ….”my ex boyfriend is over here” …..really? …….processing….processing……did you JUST say……..”my ex boyfriend is over here”…….Huh…….I looked at the phone….blink…blink………h….oooookaaaay….I listened to the dialtone for a minute…there on the sidewalk……at a pay phone….I hung the phone up and gathered up my unused quarters…...
It all turned out ok….I got a few more jobs to make up the difference so the money started flowing a bit better…….I was in paradise….volleyball…. sleeping till noon and tanning every day with friends…..and after work……..thumping music on the strip and moonlit walks with corona…….oh yeah dude…..a silver lining worth gold……

Oh I can remember when
It was easy to say I love you
But things have changes since then
Now I really can’t say if I still do

Bring it……… bring your disappointment. People WILL let you down…..They have in the past….you can bet they will do it in the future……. But I like to work on me….not them. I run into people who are having a hard time finding love. They seem occupied with what a dream partner is……or what they’re partners ARENT doing. Or why things aren’t right…..or why no one measures up. Dude……..There will be other competitions…….there will be more love. But I would rather work on my own happiness. Love is something that’s MADE….. you don’t wait for it to show up….so be ready….. you want fries with that????

karma, roaches, and the 1 year hippie

In 9th grade I had a new teacher for english. Mr Johnson. …Mr Johnson……was….a hippie. ……Cool dude………A rebel. A No quarter, buck the system, fight the power, no deodorant wearin……. hippie……. We connected instantly like old shoes. He gave me his Springsteen and I gave him my Dixie Dregs. Nouns? Pronouns?...no dude….Hemmingway……Poe…… Class wasn’t all that structured so we more often that not behaved like a hoard of monkeys on acid and laughing gas. One day I put his coat on and stood in the doorway. Digging around in his pockets I pulled out this little wooden ball with an alligator clip on it. I looked at it and ……looked at it. Im flyin it around and opening and closing the clip like its eatin something….. Mr Johnson, who was walking down the hall saw me……and broke into a run…”NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” He snatched it out of my hand. “what IS that?” I asked…….. IT’S A roach clip he whispered. I nodded in agreement. …… “It is?” I asked. Im thinking…..WHY IN THE WORLD would you use that to catch roaches????? That’s stupid……Anyway……..Mr. Johnson wasn’t asked to teach the following year…… Now I can’t take credit here.

Save your excuses, your tensions and fears
Be sure as you go and you go with the flow
And you reap what you sow as above, so below

I guess what comes around goes around…….I really wanted to be in a class with Jennifer…and as much as it hurts to reveal the truth …….I really wasn’t smart enough.
One of my teachers said he went to Washington and Lee because he wanted an education. I asked him what he got instead……….Yeah… I was not applying myself very well. When it was all over Jennifer was going to a really good University and I was ….Lucky enough to get into a small private school….. what comes around goes around…..

Mind your lip and swing your hips
And be selective, be objective
No pain, no gain, no pain, no gain, no pain, no gain

When I told my chemistry professor I was going to go transfer to Harvard he said…”who are you going to visit?” hehehehe Touche…I deserved that one…LOL
Never getting close to Jennifer was hard…but it was never going to come around…..Thats ok……Now were friends on Facebook…….She married like…….some stockbroker….. Its ok…..in fact it’s REALLY ok……Some things DO come around…..

Spiders, a ride with Jupiter and learning to fly

Horseback riding lessons were really fun when I was in 5th grade. Mind you I had a horse that was getting up there in years but no matter. Whip was still big and majestic and we bonded……… at least for 2 hours every Saturday. I don’t think he ever did anything unexpected and I was never afraid to be in his saddle. This was a far cry from the time Mike tried to kill me. Mike is……nuts. N U T S I say. When I was 20 He invited me up to see his stable of racing horses. He picks out Jupiter for me and after gearing up we reach an open field. Mike kicks his horse and what does Jupiter do? Chase Mikes horse…………..I am….instantly…..out of the saddle………no reigns……….holding on to Jupiter ……my legs and arms wrapped around his neck……..ogodogodogodogodogod……I start slipping ogodogod and at full gallop ogodogod Im upside down …..ogodogod….looking up and ogodogod ….eventually Jupiter slows down and I drop to the ground. Mikes next attempt to kill me was kayaking. We were lucky enough to compete in the 1984 nationals on the Nantahela. But earlier that year Mike said “wanna do a night run on the NEW river?”……”what???? No Mike This is my 5th beer…and….did you JUST ask me to go kayaking at night????” In five minutes we were in the car headed to the river…..…buzzin…..
Now I like a bit of danger……don’t get me wrong….but my judgment must NOT be the best. Now I cant take credit here.

Ice is forming on the tips of my wings
Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything

Dude…I do NOT do spiders. I have a bio degree but…..all spiders must die. It’s a rule…..not a guideline. Snakes ??…fine…… bring em…..I saw the movie The Grudge….. I did NOT see The Grude 2. FRIG!!!!! My 6$ “monster” bucket of popcorn turned into a rain storm for anyone sitting near me …….omanomanoman what ARE you doing dude? Don’t go in that room!! No….dont…..uh…uh…….YYYYEEEEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Some things do scare me. Im normal. Socialized medicine, Atlanta rush hour, my exwife…you can have them all…..
Yeah love can hurt…..been there done that…..but I wouldn’t want it to scare me from having it again. I heard today that loneliness will kill you. Now THAT scares me. Finding love isn’t easy and sure you have to fall down some before you can learn to fly.

There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, a state of bliss
Can't keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I

Bring it………..bring some balls…… I mean ……big girl pants. Your not the only one to fall off a horse…..happy trails

Playboy, curves, and the new math

Ok……so…… math didn’t come easy at first….but it’s not my fault!!! Well……maybe it is. Dude…I had Miss LineBerry for math in seventh grade. Miss LineBerry was like …THE….most well endowed woman in three counties….The first day of class I looked over at a buddy of mine and I could see the fear in his eyes. I know he saw desperation in mine. How could you possibly expect us to focus on Math?? Math???? Oh dude…this is NOT going to be good for anybody. Oh sure the girls in the class will do fine. I was never late for class…I just ..….couldnt…… pay attention. Next year I had Mrs. Kiker……All 87 pounds of her. Whew…… Now I cant take credit here.

The student bodys got a bad reputation.
What they need is adult education

That’s a hard time for a boy. All your girl friends to that point had just been stick figures and all of the sudden…..we got curves…hey…..we got motion…HEY….4 dimensional motion!!!! HEY GLYNN!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT???? WHO WAS THAT????THAT’S TERESA?????NO WAY!!! Another pained look settled in….Till that point the sears catalog bra section was the only temptation around. Well…that’s not completely true……
I looked at the on ramp to the interstate and down I went. Trust me ……..peddling fast on the interstate doesn’t make you look any less out of place. I had to go just one exit to get to that little store that sold playboy magazines. Just 1 exit……….1………..exit………..45 minutes later…….. Im there. Safe. I park the bike and go in. It ONLY took about another 45 minutes to get my nerve up. So Im picking up candy bars…Im picking up bubblegum cards…..Im walking around…..finally the store is empty and I grab one and hustle to the counter. OH MY GOD SOMEBODY JUST WALKED IN!!!!!!......omanomanomanoman……put it in the bag! PUT IT IN THE BAG!!!....I dash out of the store….the last minute of my life a black tornado swimming under water.
I peddle home. My dad finds it hidden in my comic books about two weeks later…….busted……lesson learned….

But you want a little night school.
Maybe some of it will rub off on you.

Bring it……bring what youve learned…….Being hot for teacher is one thing….but playing with fire isnt the best idea. I do my best to learn from my past. Girls always say guys think with their $%*^&$.......well……it got me through high school. I think all the girls wanted to be in Mr Harmons class anyway. I just don’t understand why………

Heroin, wonder woman, and oceans11

OK…..I’m coming clean…..I admit it….I had….I mean have….…a heroin addiction. I do!!! Really!!!!....Im a BAAAADD man! …..I just love those female superheroes. Wonder woman has got it goin ON!!!! Oh yeah Dude…….wait a minute…..No I mean heroin …like the drug….yeah….thats it….since 5th grade!!! You’re not buying this ……..are you?
Ok…..well…..then Im a gambler…big one too.…that’s my habit…..Heck yeah I play the lottery…dude…..…I am THE scratch off king.
Last Saturday I went to the dog track and hit the casino. Alone of course. …..I have never been to a casino before and I’m saving a trip to Vegas for my next girlfriend……I get all giddy walking in….this is SOOO COOL……..yeah dude….I’m like…..Danny Ocean……6.5 …..or something….well…..without the looks…….and the money….I got fifty bucks burnin in my pocket. I walk around in amazement for like…..30 minutes and nurse a beer from the bar……..well…...there goes 5 bucks. I stroll over to a security guard and ask him where to get change. He says at the cashier they can break hundreds and thousand dollar bills and generously points for me. I blink twice. Thanks I said. I walk up to a machine and realize people are feeding 20 dollar bills in…….I pull out a crisp one dollar bill……and pull the handle……again and again and again……I got nothing but assorted fruits…..thirty seconds later I’m whipping out the money to show this machine who’s boss cuz…I am NOT a quitter. Im instantly addicted. comeoncomeoncomeon…..Eventually I come out ahead and cash in about 15 bucks…..more beer here…I’m afraid to order a mixed drink and end up not having enough gas money to get home. Now I cant take credit here.

Something happens and Im head over heels
I never find out till Im head over heels

I can’t STAND to hear people say their playing the game of love when they’re not. They’re not in the game AT all. DON’T tell me your playin….I can tell when you’re bluffing!! Dude…you got NO hand…..NO chips……what ARE you doing? Ive seen oceans 11…It’s a LOVE story …..Its not a b o u t the money

Don’t take my heart don’t break my heart
Don’t don’t throw it away

I pass the high rollers room in flip flops and head to the track. Program in one hand a beer in the other. The dogs file out one by one and I study them like I know what I’m doing….the program is conveniently written in greek….. so I have to go with my gut…….Dude…… I win the first three races….enough to pay for everything that nite. Cool dude……I might lose some but I wont win if I don’t play.
Holding your cards close to your chest? Poker face? Waitin on the perfect man?..… I mean hand? Only bet on a SURE thing? Hes got to be at least 5’10??
Dude….Driving a car is a gamble. Swimming is a gamble….. are you telling me your going to sit out on the ONE thing that makes life wonderful??……One thing I DO know……You gotta pay to play. Love is a gamble. Its trust. Its submission. Its loss of control. If youre in control your NOT in love. My bet is on wonder woman.
You gonna bet or what???

Hornets, the cemetary, and Marlin Brando

The three of us would ride those mowers down the side of the BIG road, past the high school every Saturday morning…….@ 2 miles an hour. Yeah dude it took like FOR EVER to get there and we were usually sweating by the time we reached ……..the cemetery. Now….riding over thousands of dead people is unnerving enough for a seventh grader but the real enemy were the ground hornets. A hornet that makes its hive in the GROUND dude …..has BALLS. B A L L S plural. This is NOT your mamas honey bee.
Of course you don’t know where they are unless you see one of the other guys leap off a running mower and run like they’re on fire. Back then the mowers didn’t turn off so you had to chase them down because they would smash into the headstones and just keep going. Hornets just do NOT like it when you run over their house with a tornado of blades. Trouble is….there’s 50 of them armed with stingers and you’ve got …..like….bare hands flapping and yelling like your possessed. Not much of a fair fight. Eventually…… they would sting you. Just like Lisa did…….
I…..am….out ……of…. my…. league dude…….seriously out matched…..what AM I thinking??? I passed helpless on Tuesday…..After swinging at hornets we would get a cavalier burger, still deaf and shaking from the roar of mowers. Lisa’s house was of course on the OTHER side of town. Well…it wasn’t really her house…she was in for the summer from Florida and I would see her only as long as there was grass to mow and hornets to battle. Oh yeah dude …….I was helpless and I can’t take credit here.

You can take me anytime you like,
Ill be around if you think you might
love me baby,
and hold me tight

Her skin….her hair….. her EYES…..that body..…..that walk…..7nth grade???? WHAT??? …. You have GOT to be kidding me…are you sure????........dude I peddled FAST to get there…..I didn’t EVEN know who Marlin Brando was but I bet could peddle faster than he could and I did my best to act like I was in…….like…….the 9th grade.

Im over my head,
But it sure feels nice.

We would swim in the pool or go down to the lake……hold hands….never an unkind word or impure thought…….just ……..clean ……..love that would end with the season.
I saw her a few years later….she came back to visit……and if I was outclassed in 7th grade by my senior year I was out manned and out gunned too. I was losing weight cuz wrestling season was coming and I SERIOUSLY got tunnel vision when she gracefully stepped out of the car and glided over. A butterfly in slow motion. I think I rolled down the window. My body stuck to the seat. All I could manage was a weak “hey” through my braces like a ventriloquist on dope. I don’t EVEN remember saying goodbye …..and she was gone.
Bring it………bring those butterflies because I am done with hornets…..and I still kinda like mowing the lawn and hey….…it beats shoveling snow!!!

Freedom, a good bar keep, and tears for fears

When you play guitar around town the barkeeps are usually kind. They take care of you and you take care of them. Even if it’s on a nite that you’re not playing…if you show up they’ll get you your poison for free. Not a bad deal at all. Nothing free these days….Even freedom costs…..Now I can’t take credit here.

Help me make the most of freedom
And of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever

Like everybody I’ve had past loves go bad. The crushes that are NEVER noticed and never spoken of. The one that came close. The one I married. The one that took my breath and heart away the moment I saw her. Oh yeah dude…..good times.
I’ve messed up my share too……. And had some bad choices on my part. The stalker….yeah that was fun….parking my own car around back….deleting 30 messages on voicemail, a prisoner in my own skin…..oh dude….the ones that were technically not divorced ……yet……. But forgot to mention it…..The ones that HAD to , JUST HAD to…..fight EVERY S I N G L E time you went out…... NOW HEAR THIS……NO relationship is preferable to a bad one.
Freedom costs but being a prisoner sucks even worse. But that’s why it’s so valuable. Spend a lot of time in a bad relationship and man there are some good lessons to be learned!

I can’t stand this indecision
Married with a lack of vision

Yeah dude…I have some baggage….but I also have my freedom.
Bring it……...Bring your freedom. Freedom doesn’t do you much good if you’re stuck on past relationships…that’s NOT freedom. Keep your two cents worth of advice I want a bucks worth! (applause goes here) Thank you…....thanks very much…...…Don’t forget to tip your bartender!.......last call…….....

The kiss, the test and a bridge to nowhere

We would try and meet on the bridge and stay……as long as we could. I can see the outline of her long hair in the dim moonlight and the touch of her lips makes me feel strong and whole far beyond any other mortal 13 year old boy. My hands hold her still, but she is so content and her submission makes her weak with need. I can see it…….feel it….from her eyes….she says nothing…..We kiss in silence…..slowly……we part…….letting go only from fingertips…each waiting for the other to break perfection. I walk back to the cabin until she is too far to hear and then break into a smiling run. Summer camp love lasts but a week. So theres like……NO time to argue about how much you spent on your hair. No meltdown about how much I wrote that check for. No grilling about why you’re making us late…….again. No reason to give me that look over my dirty shoes sitting at the door. No raising my voice over why I ALWAYS have to initiate sex……AND be on top. It’s about the love stupid. Now I cant take credit here.

Sometimes I feel like don’t have a partner
sometimes I feel like my only friend

By day the bridge is….well…..a bridge. 50 screaming kids trample it like a pack of wild animals from the pool to the dining hall. And yeah dude….. my initials are there too….At night its…...well..…a sacred place built for 2.
Now if I had met my ex wife on that bridge ……….I would have thrown her off it. No bridge would have ever been good enough for us to connect. Im not joking……this is a typical conversation.
Her can we get it in black?
Me black is fine.
Her why do you want it in black?
Me you said you wanted it in black…..
Her I never said black.
Me You just said “can we get it in black?”
Her no I didn’t… I said white. You always say black. I never said black
Me what?
Her I want it in black
Me I thought you said you never wanted black
Her No you wanted it in white you just said white
Me No I didnt
Her I don’t want it in black
Me what color do you want?
Her You just said black and I said I wanted in it white.
Me what color do you want?
Her white

Im not joking. Its very hard for me to think randomly like that….to NOT make ANY sense is hard. After a few years I did a test. I had to practice out loud for days but I had pretend conversations where I tried to be serious and stay focused enough to just not make sense. At first I could get a few statements out and then I would mess up and make sense. After a week I was ready. It was hard not to blow it but it was priceless. It took her about two minutes into the conversation to get that something wasn’t quite right. I kept a straight face and never let on. She kept on with it. Both of us not making ANY sense. I finally ended the conversation and went outside to laugh my ass off. she never got it.

I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way

Bring it……bring your sanity cause I have already not been what she told me it was…and I guarantee that this wont be the next time it doesn’t happen …...k?

a scar, a drink, and a loser of hide and seek

I kid you not………getting invited to play over at Johnnys house was……..a treat. Yeah dude… a POOL…A REAL POOL….and the TOYS!!!!! THE DOGS!!! Can I go mom?canI?canI? And regardless of how hard I tried to not embarrass myself…something bad ALWAYS happened. I burned my leg so bad on his motorcycle that I begged to go to the doctor. I nearly got electrocuted when I stuck something in a wall socket. I still have this scar over my eye from running into a door knob playing hide and seek…….yeah dude…I said hide and seek........It took 5 people to hold me down for the stitches and it’s a wonder they let their son befriend such a walking problem.
I make enough mistakes for all of us and I m sure I would have fewer scars if I had chosen some things differently. But I’m fairly sure I can’t change the past. So it doesn’t matter whether someone poured my glass half empty because it’s also half full.
I dated this girl in college and it didn’t last very long. I never got close to her. She was……..unavailable. Her scars were more serious and deeper than any I had. Half empty? Half full? I wasn’t even close. This girl had never seen a glass. We never got to a point where she could tell me a how or a why. Now I can’t take credit here.

Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
Your making me insane

I wanted to help but I suppose I was afraid to push the issue. I might have been afraid of what was behind those sad, trapped eyes. Men are fixers. I like to fix things. I couldn’t fix this and plastic surgery wasn’t going to help either. In the end I just walked away and that was sad because she was a sweet girl and all she wanted was to be loved. I should have tried to pour her a drink. But I didn’t.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much and
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Bring it…..Bring your scars. You don’t have a choice really. Do you? The best relationships I can remember were those where you confessed who you were without fear of rejection. When you’re young you don’t always get to decide what you get to drink or if your glass is half empty or full. Someone else pours it for you. When Im thirsty I don’t really care if the glass is half full or half empty Im just glad to have something to drink. Besides… I hear chicks dig scars……….cheers.

Fireworks, the dreamweaver and a trip to Hayrock

Hayrock is THE place. It looms large and demands a boy get man nerves if he braves to climb it. When I was 7 or 8 this became my rocket ship. My Spanish galleon. My Lunar hideaway. Of course to reach this heaven you have to get up early, climb a fence posted “NO TRESSPASSING ”, run through that old mans cornfield in high gear, cross the river and THEN ……....climb the mountain. A mans all day challenge. A rite of passage. This no small feat requires essentials like poptarts, peanut butter crackers, sodas for the trek and of course a can of spray paint to immortalize the trip with your initials. Yeah dude…..Im going to come here when Im OLD…...like..45…..…I swear.
The crew is important…….you cant just…..like….stop and turn around…..The Argabright boys are perfect. Literally. All three impress like they really could be presidents …or better…..one day. Their younger sister is already gorgeous and no doubt a danger when she gets older but this quest was not meant for beauties. Now I cant take credit here.

Fly me high through the starry skies
Maybe to an astral plane
Cross the highways of fantasy
Help me to forget today's pain

Covered in sweat…….. we make it. The afternoon is perfect. We take turns passing around the spray paint and mark the rock as our own. We climb up and down and up. The sodas are warm and crackers are gone. But the view at the top ….makes……...you…..….speechless……………….Everything was fine…..until we started setting off the fireworks. From the top of the rock they go……like ..…into orbit. Cool…….the matches pop when you strike them, the fuse hisses like a snake and then…….”HEY WHATS THAT???????” “WHAT?” ………”THAT!!!!!!” I look down the mountain and theres smoke. ………….. “FIIIIIIUUUURRRE!!!!!” ogodogodogodogod…….were running, falling, sliding down the mountain through leaves and dirt. I strip my shirt off and beat the flames and stamp my feet scared out of my mind. Ogodogodogod…….omanomanoman……..finally ……..its out. We never told a soul.
Last year I tried to find them all. The oldest had a brain tumor. The middle one had some rare disease and I find no trace of the youngest or their sister.
Bring it...... Bring it today. It might not be here tomorrow.

Though the dawn may be coming soon
There still may be some time
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon
And meet me on the other side

My son put his initials up last year. Mine are still there….and the Argabrights too.

A pimped out bike, reality and the paper route

In fifth grade I got a paper route. The green bike would NOT do……. Yeah dude a 10 speed……rockin….turn signals… a little radio….flags…..Im pimpin for sure……chicks will DIG me now. Wait till Becky sees me. …..Employed…..me and my BAD ride……its lookin good……Now I cant take credit here.

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want

Where I liked to ride was by Beckys house. However in the cold or in the rain …the bike failed to impress. In fact it made ME downright miserable. I wasn’t EVEN showing up on her radar. The whole …….8 seconds I peddled by her house. But everyday??? Come ON dude!!!! She NEVER goes outside????? So I delivered my papers…… and delivered……and delivered….
One time my chain came off and it was NOT going back on……I had grease ALL over me and it was getting dark…… no amount of bubble gum was worth this!!!! FRIG!! Somebody gave me a kitten once and I put her in my paperbag while I did my route. I got home and the neighbors dog ate her. Yeah………the paper route definitely had its drawbacks.
My uncle Steve came down one year and DROVE me around on the hood of his car….I’d lay on the windshield and he would hand me a paper and I’d heave it going 30 miles an hour……good times…On a sunny day though it was tough to beat. Birds overhead with big, tall clouds…..cicadas everywhere…… my legs and arms bronze from the sun…..and when I got to the gas station for a break……anything I wanted. A boys dream come true.
Bring it…….. Better bring reality.

But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

The truth is……I never had a chance with Becky. I was not from her side of the tracks. Her dads collar was different than mine and I was the paper boy. A bigger bike was not going to turn her head……when youre young you have a lot of dreams. Some I put down to the privilege of youth and that’s ok. Others may not survive when you wake up……or grow up…..I mean…they are dreams after all. Some people like that world. The one where ANYTHING is possible. Im not built like that. The here and now is worth more to me than ANY false hope. Besides….. I cant wait to get old enough to be a lifeguard…..Now THAT’S a job she’ll respect!!!

Tank, some pigskin and reelin in the years

Dude…I am…like….sooo good. Running the ball is a BREEZE!!. Im untouchable. For real. Im 8 years old. I just dusted Mike Wolfe….cool dude.
Tackle football is the measure of a man and I am …….the masta.. Did I just out run Stephon Burrell? Dude….I am THE …..pigskin God. Enter 7nth grade. Flag football championship….Gym class….junior high. “Put three people on Logan” “someones GOT to stop him!!!” Im a puffed up struttin peacock and with out a doubt the toughest 70 pounder in the free world…....…maybe further. ..... Did Sabrina see that??? Did she??? “HEY SABRINA!!!!” “DID YOU SEE THAT!!!?” I cant take credit here.

Your everlasting summer
You can see it fading fast
So you grab a piece of something
That you think is gonna last

Then came high school….. To make it short I didn’t play football until senior year. By then I was outgrown and under experienced. Glory days?? ….Not today…..
I was a scrub. I wasn’t even a good scrub. Scrubs got called in every once in a while. So were running onto the field at the beginning of the game. The team is a live hive of unbridled angry brethren …....…sworn to kill anyone with a maroon and orange jersey. Play dirty, kill if you can, and never, ever stop.... We bust through the banner like warriors……and then…...... I trip……………………….the ENTIRE team runs over me….. ……..Someone saw me laying under the goalpost. A couple of guys carried me back to the locker room. Bandaged me up and gave me some crutches. I hobbled back to the field to enjoy watching everyone I knew cheer for “tank”. The guy that was living my dream while I sat with the towel boys who flipped me nonstop during the game. Good times...Good times.

Are you reelin in the years
Stowin away the time
Are you gatherin up the tears
Have you had enough of mine

So when I got a chance to play semipro football….. I said ….yeah…I wanna play. I may have a bad memory of that year but nothing and I mean nothing will stop that boy from living again. I have new memories to make. Dude…You don’t see Sabrina around anywhere…..do ya?

Candy, the Graduate, and the two headed monster

When I get it right Im on fire. When I get it wrong…..…lets just say its in no way partial. I love the line in The graduate where Dustin Hoffman’s dad says “ Ben this whole idea sounds pretty half baked to me” and Dustin says “Oh no sir…...its completely baked”. How can you not like a couga movie? I can’t take credit here.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp

Kinda grim but….. Ben turns out alright. When I was maybe 2 my folks took me trick or treating. We picked up my grandmom along the way. While in the car I was apparently given instruction on what to do when I got to the door. Im told I made a good rabbit. They let me out. I go ring the doorbell and when the door opens I go in and shut the door. My grandmom laughed so hard she peed all over herself and we had to go home after that. Some memories are better when forgotten. When I was 6 or 7 my mom talked me into…..ready??...... a deck of cards…..she took a cardboard box and covered it in white paper and drew a joker on the front. I was told this was a good idea.
Its fall and that means dew on the ground. I am the most successful deck of cards …EVER. I have raced through many neighborhoods with this box on….(are you getting the visuals??) …and filled my paper bag with a precious hoard of blessings like zagnuts and gum. Bounty??...... All mine. Problem is……paper bags and dew do not mix.
So Im almost home at the top of the hill and the bag feels light. I look at the hole in the bottom of the bag and turn slowly to see the street full of kids scrambling to pick up my evenings work. Every last piece. I scream and go flying down the hill. A deck of cards…. running……..Its all gone.
In 6th grade my girlfriend and I decided to be a two headed monster. We cut some holes and put a blanket over our heads. I was the left arm and she was the right. We did up our faces crazy. She did mine and I did hers. Perfect innocense……Two best friends…... a bond…..literally joined at the hip. The night was perfect and we laughed as we struggled to navigate with my leg tied to hers in the dark.
Bring it………bring your innocense. When your young its more fun to get candy. The older I get I rather enjoy giving it too.

Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.

Trick or treat?

The party, a sweetheart, and the coachman inn

Oh man my high school sweetheart did a number on me. Its all good …...now. But back in the day?…..I don’t EVEN want to talk about it. You know that one that breaks up right before college starts?? Dude I was a disaster. People I DON’T know are grabbing my arm and asking “are you ok?”
OK so now what?
PARTY….. Plain AND simple. Win her back. I suffer till Christmas when I know were all coming home from school. The word gets out….Logans having a party at the coachman inn…..Yeah ..rented a conference room …..cool…yeah …spankin dude…The wheels are in motion. Music??.... Check. ….. Alcohol? … CHECK. Car?clothes?food? ……..Killer.
The place starts to fill up. The booze is loose. The music is loud. Faces appear in the dark and hugs are plenty. We sing. We dance. Ahh my friends…..a nite to remember. My party. Cool dude. One problem…..Its midnight and no show……. WHAT? …. Where IS she? Come ON!!! How can she NOT be here. The pain is.....all..new ..again. Fresh tears flow like she just told me goodbye.
I look over and two guys are literally having a fistfight IN the Christmas tree. People rush over…...half to break it up and half to keep it going. …. Fan…..tastic. I look to my left now that the crowd is entirely on the other side of the room and someone has kicked a door in….. Gr…..eat. I crunch over broken glass bottles to close the door and the phone rings…. “hello?” I try not to slur. “Sir this the manager….” I hang up. “EVVERRYYBODDYY OUUTTT” Time passes when you toximicated….I remember swaying and sweeping. Loyal folks cleaning things up in silence… unable to speak because it sounded like this. “I grinnnk flats a foo pamemy choots……k? “ I nod in agreement. The partys over. I cant take credit here.

You never call me up
When Im alone at nights
What can this poor boy do?
When he’s hopelessly in love with you

I understand. Bad wounds heal too slow for me to say it’s all good. At first it’s all bad. I’m with ya. Blind in a room with no doors. This is not cool dude.….What kind of demon is this that blows up your heart and demands you pretend to like a substitute in between months of loneliness? I’ll tell you. One that has to die. Love does come around again….. but only for those who remember what its all about and not just about how it ends.

Teachin, Preachin and takin out the trash

Move over! Daddys preachin! Daddys teachin! Mom was a teacher. Sister taught for a bit. I on the other hand lasted a few months. Hehehe My parents taught me a lot. Like…how to raise myself. How to avoid having a successful marriage. Things like that. Hehehe What they preached to me was even less. It’s all good though. What it did was make me resourceful, strong, and Ive even been caught being generous and understanding. Don’t get me wrong dude. I have a long list of bad grades. Im sarcastic (in british kinda way) and when you work on a pool pump for half the weekend and its still busted Im liable to jump around like Yosemite Sam and throw a tool. Yep. Im a baadd man.
What their awful marriage taught me was the value of love. I told ya…. Im preachin I’m teachin. They didn’t have it an by golly Im gonna have me some a that!..... How does it work? Where do I find it? What do I DO with it? Yeah dude I’m serious. Stop laughing. Hehehe.
The learning curve is not steep and I’m a quick study. Young and in love. ….its comforting and jittery at the same time. Exciting and soothing. Oh yeah dude…… This is what I want. I want this all the time. Why would you screw this up? Why would you want to? Im not ever letting this go. And now??? The 2nd grade…….
From this point on the lecture is the same. Love really rocks. Its beats ...….like…ridin your bike easy. ....It’s the best. ...No question. I don’t feel this way when I’m ridin my bike that’s for sure! Yep. Love beats bike ridin. .... I cant take credit here.

Don’t know much about history
Don’t know much Biology
Don’t know much about science book
Don’t know what I slide rule is for

Am I preachin to the choir yet? Well…sit cuz her begins the sermon. Ok son… class is in. Im going to teach you everything you need to know about marriage. Ready? “Can you hand me that wrench?”…….Blink…Blink. “What I mean to say is …always show that you love a woman by… can you hold this ladder for me? Oh Jeez I have a 1 o’clock T time…. take out the trash” I just am NOT getting this class AT all. Is this what’s called continuing education? This sucks dude. I want a different teacher. Maybe I can transfer.
The only real thing I want you to remember about this sermon is this. Men are NOT prepared for the marriage you have planned in your head. Do your homework. Im lucky. I paid attention in class.

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you’ll love me too
What a wonderful world this would be.

Awww…… I gotta C ???....At least schools out…… next year Im getting a study partner.

Captain Kirk, the falls and Trading places

By now Im jumping up and down. Frig. Who does this song? More Jumping. Dude what IS the name of this tune? I start singing as the words come back to me.

It’s a rat race Mr briefcase
What do you keep in that bag of tricks?
Is there anything at all in that briefcase?

I run over to the XM box. “Lee Ritenour??” On XM? Really? Cool tune. No dude I’m sure you have NEVER heard this tune. Yeah it’s a rat race. Racing rats. Boxing bears? Kayaking kangaroos? Just kidding…..
When I was young I got the speech about “you can be anything you want.” ….and… “you should like what you do”. Makes sense. Third grade is fertile ground for ideas that don’t quite survive to adulthood. “You say I can be anything I want?” Yep. “Really?” If you put your mind to it…… cool dude ….. Im thinkin friggin astronaut here. No…. you be SPOCK I wanna be the captain. What? Oh….well how bout quarterback for the redskins? Oh yeah….dude…...WHAT NOW? Ok then …so….Ill own the team and decide to LET me play. Silence. Playboy photographer? …..yeah… Im likin this……….What do you mean math skills? What ARE you talking about? Garbage collector? Im takin that test again. Tests are stupid. Friggin rat race promoter. What kind of job is that?
Men are attached to their work. What are women attached to? I’m a guy I donna know. In a mans eyes what you do defines who you are. I’m telling you. A mans self worth is tied to his work. If his career direction is checkered so will his attitude be about a great many things. “No its not” yes it is dude. “No its not”. YES…. it is. “Uhuh….My uncle Bob….he…” Dude Im not sure what movie Bob watched but I ve seen trading places…..
I’m lucky. When work gets a bit out of hand there is this set of water falls less than a mile from the hospital. Really. Its nice. Stress relief? Its instant.... you know? The roar of the water pounding on dark wet rocks. Trees reflecting off the shallows and the water cold and clear. Little things float by. The moss is so soft you could sleep on it. No rats…….no race……
Work for most is not play. Its home that’s sanctuary. When a man is stressed at home there is no where to go for sanctuary. If the job stinks too then Houston we have a problem. Seriously. Guess who gets the bad end of that frustration? Ding Ding Ding!!!!! Men manifest their depression through anger.
I like Lee Ritenours job…..where do I apply? Damn it really is a rat race?? I forgot my cheese!

Post season, Apocalypse Now and the six million dollar man

Well…. Tis the end….the end of an era. No dude. Its over. OVER. man. I’m done…….. body count? Apocalypse now man. I cant take credit here

This is the end
Beautiful friend
Ill never look into your eyes.

Last game of the season. We won. I’m satisfied. Happy? Pleased? ….well….I can wait … A pinch of relief? ….Yeah…. Next season? Most definitely. Steve Austin….. Better…..stronger….faster…Not 6 million dollars worth but hey…..
Nothing broken. I’ve had things broken before. Sleepless nites, dazed days…….STUPID loneliness. All a mistake…..damn … my……….soul h u r t s. ECHO ECHO ECHO. Is anyone LISTENING TO ME???
….physical therapy?…..did she just ask ME out? …Ice?…. With tequila… rest?. ..….Were sleepin in ….. Compression? … Heat? …. Well……
Wait a minute….rebound is in basketball you moron. You know better than that. Take some of your own medicine. Better listen to what you preach…big boy. You can keep the spoonful of sugar.
Whats that dude? J Geils band?? Love stinks?.......dude turn that OFF!! It’s the end of the season not a funeral!!!
Did I love her? More than anything. Was it forever? It was supposed to be. Does she know? Yeah…..she knows.
Yeah the season is over……. Know what? Im already hungry for next season….Gimme the ball coach.

Marketing, Puff Daddy and A book and its cover

I used to read….…like…….ALL the time Friggin DEVOUR book after book. At my age I should know what books I like and which ones aren’t worth say…..dinner and a movie. Don’t you just hate it when the trailer turns out to be better than the movie?!!! I cant stand a bait and switch!! Heck yeah I’m judging a book by its cover and I hate being the target of a marketing exercise.. No dude….I want my money back. The cover on this book is Richard Dawkins. On the inside its like Puff Daddys autobiography….or something. No I don’t want to exchange it for another Puff Daddy book with the RIGHT cover. No dude…...I just want my heart…I mean….my money back. If I wanted to NOT get what I asked for I’d have done like…online dating… or something…. Jeez.

Wait a minute……this is a bait and switch isn’t it? Mhmm,,,yeah…..mhmm…how old is that profile picture? I can find that under fiction you say? Mhmm….some college….yeah…. Mhmm….yeah that studying part is rough… going back next semester….mhmm..…that’s good. .. ..Anesthesiology…. wow…..yeah……fantasy is in isle 2. Really? You like ALL kinds of music!?? Can you be a little more vague? You realize that told me nothing about you… Mhmm calliope? Opera? Fusion? Mhmm

I read somewhere that women have a distorted self image. Maybe some people just don’t spend enough time being introspective…I don’t know…Im sure theres an article by somebody somewhere….but theres a difference between taking a little artistic liberty with your personality and balls out lying. You can find that in the bargain bin. Look under the B’s for ……. Well …you know… ..Come to think of it I don’t buy those books at all. Bring it…. Bring the truth…..its stranger than fiction but it’s the only book worth reading……I don’t want to be a hypocrite. In my last post I admitted having a small secret or two myself…..but my last chapters not written yet and the older I get the more I like not having regrets…..How bout I just go to the library instead?? I’m likin this idea……Better still why don’t I just wait for the movie to come out…..I’m going to file this under self help……. isle 9.

Things hidden, The Kentucky speedway and the train to funkytown

I hear Bob Dylan in Tom Petty. I hear the Beatles in ELO. The connection is easy. What? You missed it? Try again …. ….Its ok …..….I missed it the first time around too. But its there….clear as day. So clear in fact Im puzzled how I didn’t see it. How can you miss that??? Its not like its hidden AT ALL.
I’ve had things hidden from me in the past. And I confess, I have hidden things (albeit minor) from past partners (nothing in the fidelity arena…I walk like I talk). Boy that trust is a train. Im with ya. You wreck that thing and it does not come back. Betray a lovers trust and there is little left except lip service, the sounds of crickets and broken hearts. Done. Finito. Monogamy’s definition is not plural.
I’m pretty capable. Im not going to toot my horn too loud but I can work on more things than not. Dude that’s a trainwreck. Yeah……. I wanted it to go to funkytown and she wanted it to go to …..chaosville…...or some place…….no….no its busted. Yes I’m sure. I’m lookin right at it. What? ….. no I cant put it back on the tracks…..haha….. what? I guess Im walkin ….Its all good…...Ill rent a car in the next town….
The Kentucky speedway is new. Wide eyes and springy steps. Its Adrenalin junkie heaven. Vendors hawking dreams to grown men who are instantly boys again. The fans are walking souvenirs and colors are everywhere. The smell of grilled onions and steak is addictive and the lines move and buzz.. We dive in and the crowd swallows us like a swift tide….Tony Kanaan walks by. I enjoy the spoils of having the world reveal itself….Nothing hidden…It tastes ….….sweet. There will be no train wrecks today. …We catch the race and it’s a barnburner. Really.
I see a lot of train wrecks. I see a lot of people climb back in the train too. I see people in denial about being in train wrecks. What are you doing dude? Im fixing this train. Really???? You can do that? Some things seem obvious to me. Treat the train well. Take care of it. Its important. My heart is on that train. Ya know? And I am NOT taking the bus. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. Next stop…….funky town…….


.

control, Sodini, and south of the Border

Im kinda ……..sorta……...fraid of heights. I mean………I think it’s a realistic fear. Totally justified. You hang me off the Empire state building by my foot and I WILL scream like a girl. When I get on a ferris wheel I kinda slump down all stiff and stare at nothing and go “aha…haha…..aha” …weeeee ………. isn’t this fun??…aha loss of sphincter control…..
Im sure people like being in control. As a man Im going to tell you that being in control is something that boys are taught to develop. Take control of your finances. Take control of your job. Take control of your life. Control the sale, the opposing player, the car, your emotions, more more more. Be aggressive. A lazy hunter has an empty stomach. Are you with me?
Some of the same qualities that a man has to have in order to be successful are the same qualities that women like and hate at the same time. “hes controlling” “hes a control freak” Theres a lesson here somewhere.
(Some) girls marry guys in law enforcement (or the military) thinking “yeah that’s a good choice”. What? Hes controlling? Nooo!!!!! What the #^$%^&* did you think he was going to be? Let me wear that shoe for a minute…. Im marrying a prostitute cuz…..she has to be good in bed….yeah…this going to be the best idea EVER.
Men get frustrated if you take away their control. Pissed off even. Lose control over your work, body, finances, life and yes family and you end up with tragedies like Sodini. A good man is IN control. Not controlling. That’s when a woman feels safe and secure. I had a guy use the argument that there is only one keel to a ship. I told him not on a catamaran……he shut up. Relationships are a partnership (Duh). Some men just can’t switch from the sword they use at work to the butter knife they’re supposed to use at home. Does that make sense? Be careful what you start when you pull out your sword.
My buddy and I went to south of the border and up the elevator to the top of the sombrero. I look up. Its high enough for me. The ground feels good and then ……….the glass elevator takes off. “aha…haha…..aha” …weeeee ………. isn’t this fun??......We get to the top and I start walking around like a drunk cat on whiskey. But you know……loss of control was worth it and my fear of heights didn’t stop me from enjoying the view. You might like it up there too.

The contract, Pablo Cruise and growing up

Oh, but it's all right
Once you get past the pain
You'll learn to find your love again
So keep your heart open
'Cause love will find a way…..

Rock and roll lessons courtesy of Pablo cruise 1977
And if that’s not enough to make you see the light…

Sometimes we all feel a need to change
Our love we have to rearrange
And move on to something new, yes you do
LOL
Its time to find your place in the sun…..

Boy I like it when joy comes round. As an adult I really hate to hear a woman say “you need to grow up”. I read somewhere that as we age men are happier than women…this is not good news I don’t think. I know my corner of personal happiness sometimes comes from thinking like I did when I was young. I would hate to lose that. In fact its something I look for in a woman. When you’re young your heart is a bit more flexible it seems to me. Some girls have it all sewn up. The guy fits …..here. These are the rules. “You see I don’t play games”……..yes I can see that….clearly. You don’t play games. May I have a copy of the agenda then? Is there an itinerary perhaps?
Love is work its true. But I think of it as making music in a way. When I sit at my drums…its not really work.. Love means give and take. Dude Im the bass player. There is no attention over here. Love means commitment. Don’t stop playing dude even if you mess up. Love is forgiving. Dude what WERE you playing over there? Cause that’s wasn’t the song we were playing…. LOL. Love is kind and unselfish. Dude you take the first solo. Its all good.

Im not saying anything you don’t already know. And my thoughts about the subject might not appeal to some but NOW HEAR THIS. I would much rather have my purist, unspoiled, genuine, untainted, expectations of love than your _uckin grown up contract that you expect to be broken attitude. You’ve priced that item so you can keep it. When you bring it…. Bring Pablo cruise. If that sounds silly to you …..you wont mind if I base my thoughts of love on…….say……my experiences in football? Sign here please.

The Dream, a mask and the King of pain

I had a marriage. I mean….I was married. It didn’t go so well. Can you relate?. Strength? Resolve? Determined? I was a rock. It wasn’t long before the distance came. No matter….. I could run it down. Then the pressure…ok ……I had big shoulders. The weight….I knew when to rest. I’m good. Ok …we got height now? Smug smirk …..I can climb……
And so it went……….and went……..
I will not quit until I plug in. There is a way in. I’ll find it. She has one. I will find a crack in that mask before I run out of will power. Easy. I am unable to give up. I am going to hold onto this while its being sucked away. Faster and faster. I will not let go. Until the lying……………the cheating ….. was clear …..pouring over the roar in my ears. I cant take credit here…..

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
(That`s my soul up there)
It's the same old thing as yesterday

Oh Man……
I was suffering…but she would have to take my heart for me to be the king of pain. Sorry. No deal. You can kill the marriage but you cant kill me.
True story……I dream Im in the desert. Walking alongside the car. My hand on the knob. Shes inside, chauffeured, looking straight ahead. The door will not open… we go on. She sits. I walk. Days pass. The car is steady, silent and slow. She doesn’t move. I realize im holding onto the door with one hand…. dragging my body along the sand. Im numb. delirious. unable to speak. I can’t think or feel or remember letting go. A stone to the ground. I twist my neck and open an eye to see the car roll slowly over a dune in the distance. ……
Then I woke up. There was no plug. She didn’t have one. I was searching. Sure to find it. I grinned.. She had no plug. There WAS no way in. I smiled bigger. It got better. There was nothing behind the mask to get to. WHAT? …..There was nothing behind the mask to get to. She was hollow. ….. Empty. ….. I began to laugh. I wasn’t dead. I was free.

The party store , Cincinnati, and golden choices

Ok …….. made a choice… its all good…your supposed to feel good about your decisions right? I am. Things don’t always turn out the way I want but I tell you I feel like royalty when the world opens so I can see it up close. And when I have to choose between bad or worse I do it standing up. Bring the dragons, they will have to pay too.
Every once in a while you get to choose between good and better…....
The road trip to Cincinnati has the air of escapism and freedom and I pat the driver’s side door….arm out the window. The hills move, and I squint at the sky. My son smiles and his hair blows while old Van Halen makes the car fly like it runs on the taste of tequila and rekindled youth. Some choices don’t need 20/20
The drive in…… satisfies……..…we slow to drink in the stadium……..the bridges……….urban prowess rises here……… The party store is 5 blocks across the river from the Reds Stadium. We Run inside. Camera. Drinks. Jerky. Pistachios. A bag of boyhood delight. We spill peanut shells everywhere and the game is a wonderful memory of laughter and bonding that only comes when love is effortless.
…..Bring it….
Love is hard. It can jade you. It can leave you sleepless. Unavailable. Broken. Guarded. Hesitant . Sometimes it doesn’t give you back what you need…or want….or deserve…True…. BUT ……….Effortless love is golden….get your piece…..its worth it…...