The memory rewind, No more crosses, and the content goodbye

 Every word of this is true and if anyone says otherwise they are a liar.  Big smile…….  Things are well…. Remember this is all in the past…….a rewind of memories.  The world for me now is a much better place.  I have been through a lot.. and that’s ok… I smile as I type…happy ….content…..anxious for each day……truly.

Now I WILL take credit here. 

I will miss all of you…..and

Im ………not coming back

ever

No Im not joking indeed.  You see this is also the last blog entry.  In time I may take up another cross.  But for now …..Life is good…

Where was i?

Oh yeah…..My daughter had turned 18 and I was looking forward to it because I knew my child support would drop….and I could help Jen directly.  Wrong…..Mary contacted child support services to keep taking out more money.  I was devastated….again…… no discussion……no fact checking….just hand us more money because we said so.  Wait….thats not exactly true.  They didn’t ask for it….they just took it from my paycheck…however much they wanted…or guestimated …or felt like….just put a big number number down....he doesnt have a choice..  

The fuck Trey department was not only putting in overtime with pleasure….it had healthy budget increases.

I called child support services and said….”uh my daughters 18….. child support stops for her. 

“that’s not what it says here sir”

Uh yeah… it does……how can that be??.....shes 18

“that’s not what it says here sir”

Maybe your not understanding…..you see …my daughters 18 years old.

“that’s not what it says here sir”

I don’t understand

“that’s not what it says here sir”

Why do you keep saying that?  Maam ..look at a calendar….  My daughters birthday is April 2^nd ..this is July.

“that’s not what it says here sir”

Im starting to recognize a pattern here….god doesn’t like me. 

That’s ok …I don’t think much of him either.

Jordan was very close to me...I miss him terribly.   We had talked all the time and i mean all the time about what he wanted when it was his decision to decide where to live, we discussed every part of it …..all the time. Was he sure he wanted to come live with me ??? it would hurt his mom. It would be a big change for him. His mom could come and see him anytime she wanted and anytime he wanted to see her I would take him.  This was the biggest decision of his life and we discussed it many many many many times.  He never wavered he always said as soon as I can I want to come live with you dad.  Six months before that was to happen….out of the blue…. he changed his mind. For the first 11 years and 6 months of his life he was coming to be with me without question…….and then…he ………

changed his mind.

Im not sure…..but I think

I’ve had enough

Give me a minute here

No …..im sure of it.

Ive had enough

I had told him to be careful…that she will bribe him into staying. Of course she had and …it all worked……New dog….new toys…….i even warned him and we spoke about it often……he said don’t worry Im not going to change my mind.  I had spent every day for the last 10 years waiting for this moment. At the same time the attorney I hired to help me with this decided that I should be paying more in child support.   I was paying more in child support than any man I have ever personally met.  It was insane.  No one paid as much as I had to…at least anyone I ever met.  The amount of money I was making was just over half as much money as I was before but the attorneys decided that I should be paying more. It was INSANE….I knew guys who were barely paying anything…50 bucks a month …which is too low…...not that I think that’s fair either.  I realize kids cost money…and worth it too.  But when you  cant even afford to go get your kids for important occasions like birthdays and Christmas….or even buy them presents……  uh….somethings got to change.  It was absurd…..and unbelievably hard for them….and for me.  Everyone i approached to help me save my family did the exact opposite. I could have killed them all.

Correction…..Ive had more than enough

I think I’ll just……find someone overseas and …….settle down. Hehehe that’s a whole other story…but it deserves some mention here….yeah….i almost got married…… but was saved at the last minute ….hehehe because ……you guessed it….she was cheating!  (its funny she had the BALLS  to tell all her friends I was cheating….to hide the truth….made up completely out of thin air) LOL its ok…..whew….saved this time!!!!!!…. my heart lives for another day……Big smile.

SIDEBAR: i need to clarify things here i think...no she wasnt my soulmate..or a once in a lifetime catch...it was a connection..and i gave her the opportunity to step up and demonstrate she merited  my heart.......she failed....quickly....so i recovered .....fast..no loss......she was just....a  piece of shit.....in disguise

back to the world
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Every attempt I made to get closer to my Jen was met with resistance and every chance that I had to try to get close to her she fought.  Everyone would always say you can’t give up.  I would tell them you don’t understand …..there’s nothing to give up on. Jordan was the last straw …..There was no more pain that I could handle and no more that I was willing to endure.  All that I wanted to share and to help raise my kids was……. beyond gone.  I remember dropping to the ground in the driveway sobbing to my daughter the day I moved out (her mother was smiling in the window…she had keyed my car the night before.) telling her that things will never be the same….and that I never wanted any of this….and the tears were for her…for what she would miss.…  I know we both wanted things to be different. 

Im not bitter… just incredibly sad.  

I still feel good about who I am even though nothing with my kids turned out as it should have…there are still many things still left to do and hopefully one day I can share a relationship with them that helps them heal.

Neither of us got what we deserved…and all of us deserved better.  I got nothing and my kids got my wife…. Whose greatest accomplishments were cooking broccoli and washing clothes …and she was a a pretty good liar...….  Good luck with that when things get tough and you need emotional support and good advice, or  help in calculus class…..but take heart because she certainly is an expert at ……well….. I think I mentioned the broccoli.

 I think we both got cheated.  I predict they will have a hard life ahead.  Of course my exwife will blame it on me…..hell I’m not even there …how can it be MY fault???  She’s the one with no parenting skills!!! 

There are many other stories of note….love…..relationships, friendships…but perhaps another time.  This process was more to set the record straight….before I get too old and forget things both good and bad.    Not everything goes as planned.  Ive had a good life and even though unlucky at times I want my kids to understand where they came from….and to know that they will always be missed. 

I want them to know that I love them…more than they will ever know….that never changed …..and that will NEVER change of course even though we are not together.  Im sorry that door is closed for us right now.  I do not know when it will be open again.  But one day it will.  I promise.  That day WILL come and it will take a lot of courage and forgiveness to get us there.  I know you have much to tell me about how hard things have been, how angry and sad and upsetting all of this has been.  Please know that I never expected things to happen the way they did……...that is a tough lesson …one that’s not easily overcome.

… so I want you to know that I am waiting for that day.  When you are ready to find me.   I am proud of you both so very much!!!  So be strong and help each other until then.

Life hands people many hard times….

Disappointments……

Pain of separation from people you love….

Not much compares with losing your house, all your money, your best friend, then your soulmate and then.....your kids.

I have lost many things precious but there are people much worse off than me…..so I wish all of you good fortune and happiness…. I may not have been the luckiest …..but waiting for the love train…I am still….A happy man….

I wake up with good thoughts about what might happen today..…and tomorrow.  I smile when I think about what might be ahead.  Every day important…. antiaircraft fire at night kind of has that affect.

No Im not joking

Bring it…..paki suyo kunin mo isang magandang araw bago. 

POSTSCRIPT: Sa blog nang tapos na.  pwede Pahinga ako mahaba panahon…….paalam mga mahal.  Sinosuerte parin tayo…..malaki ngiti kasama sama

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POSTSCRIPT DEUX:  This is my last will and testament.  My daughter and my son should split my assets equally as coexecuters