whatcha ona bout girl??

whatcha ona bout girl??
A retrospective on the inner workings of love, flying pancakes, mensa disasters, dandelion cookies, number bending, super salt, bubblegum oysters, chicken spit, crystal kidneys, guerilla carrots, polychromatic tofu, paraphysics, tender vigilanties, black sand, phillastine placebos, wood soup, buttered shuttlecocks, apostrophe training, fish whips, bleeding speed, plastic fantastic lobster telephones, venus drug rehab, clowns on fire, kiosks on a leash, marshmello overcoats, bottled light, fried blood, unbridled hyperthyroidism, folding wine, amygdula tickling, fainting in coils, hamburgers for the apocalypse, plastic memes, and conjugal fritters.....well...the love parts true

Thursday, November 19, 2009

New Butterflies, Fidelity, and the jerk



I notice from time to time that Im just NOT like other guys I know……not any better….just….different. When I tell people I have never done any drugs they say “sure”……. When I say girl on girl action does NOTHING for me…..they say “……r……ight”….When I say I don’t control my partner they still look at me funny. Im finding out that control is a common theme for relationships….. not cool…..I have to admit …I DO like being a bad boy and a thrill seeker but control freaks quite frankly……….suck.
I started thinking bout this when…………last week……someone…..kinda sorta…started …..showin me some interest…….hmmmm…very cute…Im startin to grow…… butterflies…....WAIT A MINUTE……she has a ring on…..”aren’t you??.........” ………”yes” ……”O………..K”.
The story is typical …..he cheated…..several times……now he controls where she goes, who she sees, what she WEARS, and she has to call him WHENEVER she gets in a car. He screens the phone bill and she isn’t allowed friends. …….. A perfect marriage. Now I cant take credit here.

Rulers make bad lovers
You better put your kingdom up for sale

In my own marriage I always thought you had to be yellin, screamin and throwing pots and pans to be unhappy…..THAT was the signal that there was trouble in paradise…yeah dude….….WRONG….. I was wrong….as a hollow person it was easy for her to conceal that she was cheating...she just ..acted normal...…I just....never knew……sound familiar?
I heard a statistic on the radio the other day that 35% of HAPPILY married women cheat. Ready???....... 65 % of HAPPILY married men cheat….this is NOT good……Im not happy about this…… AT ALL……I mean ……..what are the percentages of UNHAPPILY married couples that cheat??? JEESH…I talked to a guy friend of mine (who had cheated on HIS NEW bride….with his sister in law no less) and he said …”yeah happiness has nothing to do with me staying faithful……its just.... lust”…. Theyre still together and expecting a child……FR…..IIGGGG!!!!!!! COME …..ON…. MAN!!!! I feel like Mr. Douglas on green acres. Everyone else is nuts and Im the only normal one in town.
When I got divorced I became a PI and started a company called fidelity investigations. I NEVER had a client walk through my door that didn’t have a cheating spouse. NE…..VER. Where was I?
Oh yeah……
Have I always been faithful?.............No. I don’t want to lie and say I’m the ivory tower of honor. There were a few times that youth or weakness got the best of me….I’m not proud of those times…..but I never tried to string two people along……that’s…..just…….evil…dude.
BUT…. I understand why guys want control…… its just that its wrong outside the bedroom. Hear me ladies…men seek control because they have no control over how much their insurance costs…how much they get paid…..when the car breaks down…..Men will take control WHEREVER they can… unfortunately it means badgering their woman because theyre insecure….and women back down to keep the peace.
Being a man means being in control. Be responsible with money, do the laundry and take out the trash…WITHOUT BEING ASKED. Then a woman is at ease to let you be in control under the covers. Nothing is more sexy than a woman who is submissive because she trusts a man to take control of her…..vulnerable to the touch of my hand on your neck when I kiss you or stretching you out and holding your wrists down…….Controlling a woman outside the bedroom does NOTHING for the relationship. You know that and I know that….some people….don’t. To me that signals the END of it.

Is it over now?--do you know how?
To pick up the pieces and go home.

Bring it………..bring some fidelity…. In fact bring a lot of it. Nothing sucks more than being cheated on …..except being cheated on AND controlled…now that REALLY sucks. Its obvious to me that guys will EVEN try to control a woman AFTER the relationship is over!!!! Control……..FAIL.. …I understand why girls think were stupid.…its deserved…..…If you’ve survived having a jerk for a partner…….Im proud of you!......But cut me some slack…I might still want to …....tie you up….....just a little.

33 comments:

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Love has nothing to do with control. When I feel I'm being controlled, I leave. The key to anything is believing in yourself first. Control has nothing to do with faith.

Great post!

Miss Angie said...

I wont be controlled, and I wont control someone either. That isn't healthy. Whatever happened to just being you and letting someone else be them and living in harmony? Love each other, trust each other, and give each other a reason to love and trust you.

That's the way I see it.

Bombshell BLISS said...

And this would be why I'm single at the grand ol' age of 48. If I could find someone who "get's it", I'd make him a very happy man. You get it. There is a woman out there who will make you a very happy me. I'm sure of it!

April said...

Talk about controlling? Read this. FOUR pages of a bullshit contract that he surprised her with AFTER she married him. Thank goodness she ran after that. Crazy doods.

You and married women. You should TOTALLY start a business to help men prove that their wives are cheating. Not a PI business, but a "Want me to see if I could hook up with your wife" business. Then you could not only get laid without having to worry about consequences, but you'd get paid, too. HAHA! I kid, I kid.

f1trey said...

@ Shelly- you got it!!! know yourself first....Im tellin ya..when i run into someone who isnt sure about who they are ...i keep walkin........cool

@ Angie- hahaha thats only in dem dare romance novels!!! I'll tell ya what happened! were grownups now!! thats why I always say 8th grade love is the best!!!!

f1trey said...

@ Bombshell- I have no doubts your in line to get your man.....youre a good woman..and you cant keep a good woman down!!! thanks for sayin I get it.....now i just gotta ........get it!! LOL

@ April- Im laughing too hard to say anything worthwhile!!!!!! hang on!
ok...
no wait...im not done....

ok ok
bwaaahhhahahahaa thanks for the link...jeessh....

"Seattle" Heather said...

Wow my head is swimming from the sick jerk marriage contract. Yuck..

okay where was i?

Oh yeah...

Trey you sound like a man that has learned from his mistakes a time or two or the mistakes of others. And I agree with you those percentages are scary. It's sad to me that it happens. And that was an answer I wanted to find out, "Why do married men who are in love cheat?" Why risk everything for it?

I gave up trying to find the answer because I realized it was no longer important to me to find out why he cheated.

There is someone for everyone. A Ying and a Yang.

tattytiara said...

I could never cheat. As it happens I have never been tempted, but I don't mean to suggest that I'm particularly morally upright, just that I'm as transparent as a dollar store garbage bag. There's no way I could ever pull it off.

f1trey said...

@ Seattle- LOL I havent read the contract yet...its firewalled at work! but i will soon! it doesnt sound good. YOu know....I havent done a posting yet on WHY guys cheat.....but i will..... I think that deserves a couple of posts!!!!

THe ex didnt ever tell you why??

@ Tatty- OL thats cool..Im glad you cant keep a sraqight face!! thats good!!!

Diane said...

HAPPILY married people cheat?! WTF?! Well, it's good to know my ex might have been happy. Yay me.

Infidelity seems to have been the topic of the week :)

f1trey said...

@ Diane- I have to say that REALLY blew me away.......Ive been very happy in the past and it NEVER occurred to me to look for anything else........now ive had relationships that werent the best and it crossed my mind...but when I was HAPPY????? I JUST dont get that!....can someone shed light on that?

ViolentLove said...

we could all be writing for days on this subject.

imma probably piss some ppl off but..

i would say most ppl have abandonment and/or rejection issues and until they are healed of those issues then it is rarely pretty...

it's that big black hole thing. nothing is ever enough... always looking, never satisfied... needing more love, more distractions, more reassurance...

when you know who you are and are committed to doing the right things in all circumstances, then you love freely, wholly and fully.

the root of control is fear and fear is the opposite of love.

real love isn't jealous or controlling... nor does it grip tightly.. it is just constant in its truth.

people seem to love the game, the controlled and the controller...

but

there IS a better way. it is life giving, pure, freeing, and so energizing.

i've been single for almost 5 years. i've been on a couple of dates, however, ppl are so caught up in fear, insecurity and the past...

i would honestly rather spend my time helping young ppl to heal and become ppl of honor and integrity so they can have a chance at a good relationship/marriage than cultivate a cool dating life.

but then i'm weird.

"Seattle" Heather said...

Trey: The ex told me that it was a "one time thing" However, the evidence that I gathered from the mistresses own hand writing and his hand writing that it had been going on for over a year. I never gave him a chance to really explain. Other than he said it just "happened". But when I hit him with divorce papers he was surprised and didn't want a divorce he fought it. Then when it was over, he wrote me & told me that he wanted to remarry me. I always told him that if he ever cheated on me he would get no second chances. I don't know why he thought I was kidding. I had to really play hard ball with him because I was in the fight for my life. It was a nasty divorce. But I never understood why he risked everything to be with her. And she was so different than me. Very skanky. No class at all. It makes me sick to think about him. The very thought of him makes me want to vomit sorry more info than you probably wanted to hear.

f1trey said...

@ Violent- Im glad to see you speak your piece and I cant imagine that that would piss anyone off.....

ALl that should ring true!! at least it does for me!!! :)

Helping the yong folks is much more worthy an endeavor than my ramblings here trying to cultivate a cool dating life.....but consider this too....alot of what kids grow up with is difunctional relationships as examples...someone as grounded and as beautiful as you...can you imagine what an example you would set as a normal relationship!??? XXX OOO

f1trey said...

@ Heather- Ok ...got a better understanding now.... I am PROUD of you!!! TRULY........I like people with spine and reality rules...in the face of being lied to you made the RIGHT decision!!!!!!! YES YES YES!!!!
I used to get so upset with clients who would say "I asked him if he was cheating...and he said no"

oh man.......

ViolentLove said...

if it happens it happens. i'm not opposed to being in a relationship. i'd love it! with the right person tho.

i was in a really great marriage and we have an incredible son... (just so ya know, my sons dad and i grew apart and we couldnt seem to get back on track... no cheating, beating or sex-changes involved, hahah)

i've been blessed. my standard is pretty high. :D

thnks for letting me ramble...

f1trey said...

@ Violent- Im just sayin....LOL
You would make some guy very happy!!!! I just didnt want you to become a nun!!!!! sorry!!

"Seattle" Heather said...

yeah I'm not lacking in the spine department. :)

Thanks!

ViolentLove said...

i TOLD ya i was rambly!

:D

Just telling it like it is said...

Truth, faith and Honor..
Why is that so hard for some people...

f1trey said...

@ Just- LOL interesting...I would think that guys have a higher failure rate than girls on those issues...we are more selfish in general....hmmmm

Just telling it like it is said...

yeah I do understand that...
How does a woman know that the guy that she is seeing is totally honest with you? If I feel like somethings are just not adding up should I listen to my instincts or give it time??

f1trey said...

@ Just- I have always wondered about that??? how people get TAKEN like that?? ya know..guys that have other wives an stuff...how does that happen???

Just telling it like it is said...

Well, when I was in nursing school I met this paramedic Fire Fighter. I road with him in the ambulance...We actually had a circle of friends is what we called it. Me, him, and two other guys also FFs. I spent all my free time with them. He lived with one of the FF and when I wasn't with him I was with the other tow guys!! It was the best summer of my life. He took me and my roommates to Mexico. I went on vacation with him and his Captain and wife. Everyone knew including the other 2 circle of friends. 7 months down the road...He practically lived with me and I w2ith them...He also didn't want me to get a job in the summer time when I had school off...so he would work extra and help me out when I needed it. Imagine how I felt 8 months into the relationship when I got a call from his wife...Not only was he married and everyone in Phx knew it but she had gotten pregnant before he met me and was due any minute. My heart sank to the ground because I knew then that I couldn't be with him...He broke up the circle of friends...They didn't want anything to do with him after they saw how hurt I was...I wasn't even mad...I felt so sorry for his wife...I loved him enough to be as kind as I could to her...I promised her that I wouldn't talk with him...I had to call his captain and tell him that he needed to get control over hi because at that point he was stalking me...because I wouldn't talk with him...I still miss him after all this time...He was fun and fearless I thought...Now I really just have a really hard time trusting men...isn't that crazy...How dumb was I?

Andrea said...

Hey Trey,

I linked you on my blog today. Hope that's ok. I just think more of teh world needs to hear your perspective.


Amy

f1trey said...

@ Just- ...silence..........thats......tough.....I cant imagine.......I know taht I was taken for a ride in my marriage..played as a fool....but I have a smile for your atttitude..... :)
I had a really good thing go bad and even so...I still keep good memories of that time.....It took me a long time to feel that way but I feel.......good about it...as opposed to bitter.....
XXX OOO

@ Amy- Thanks!!! I cant seem to click on your blog!! UGH!! not sure why but......
Thats really sweet!!! YOu been kinda quiet lately..hope your ok!!!

Amy said...

woops, I guess my friend, Andrea, was still logged in on my computer when I sent this. Sorry. It's me, though. Really. :)

I am great. Been kinda quiet because i've been superbusy. All good.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Happy Turkey Day Sweetie!

Just telling it like it is said...

You know I was never mad just hurt...It's been a long time pass since that happen and I do remember the good times...trust is still hard for me but it isn't as if I am not having the time of my life...Heck you read my blog....you know what is funny I talked to one of the circle of friends guys last night...Phil and Jeff and I are still friends to this day...something good did come out of it...growth sometimes hard but necessary!! I haven't told that story in a long time...Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Barbarella said...

And all the women squirm in their seats as they read the part about necks and wrists ;-)

f1trey said...

@ Barbarella- LOL THen I must be doing something right!

SKB said...

@Barbarella, I told him his posts leave me a little verklempt & I needed small breaks from reading. He didn't know the verklempt part. ;) Trey, who loves ya baby... how she let you go to do what she did, I don't understand, how someone hasn't claimed you, I don't understand... you hit all the nails on the head so you CLEARLY get it... and in the end, ViolentLove had the most succinct, direct, correct answer... "...but when I was HAPPY????? I JUST dont get that!....can someone shed light on that?": abandonment issues, rejection issues, insecurity... that big black hole we all try to feed on some level or another, some degree or another... some of us mature and right those things... some of us don't and, in the end, it comes down to maturity and that determination to do the right thing because you're committed to it.

Wait... what...? Go back to that part about the neck and the wrists again...! ;)

f1trey said...

@ SKB- LOL yeah cant help the wrist and neck thing!! XXX OOO
Not sure why I havent been claimed either!!! hahahaha I think theres something in the water!!! THanks for the compliment..I have spent a decent amount of time looking at relatiosnhips and have alwasy wanted to be someone that a woman can be proud to call her own....... :)

Dont torture the local boys too much!!!! Youre single too!