whatcha ona bout girl??

whatcha ona bout girl??
A retrospective on the inner workings of love, flying pancakes, mensa disasters, dandelion cookies, number bending, super salt, bubblegum oysters, chicken spit, crystal kidneys, guerilla carrots, polychromatic tofu, paraphysics, tender vigilanties, black sand, phillastine placebos, wood soup, buttered shuttlecocks, apostrophe training, fish whips, bleeding speed, plastic fantastic lobster telephones, venus drug rehab, clowns on fire, kiosks on a leash, marshmello overcoats, bottled light, fried blood, unbridled hyperthyroidism, folding wine, amygdula tickling, fainting in coils, hamburgers for the apocalypse, plastic memes, and conjugal fritters.....well...the love parts true

Monday, April 19, 2010

The reunion,The fight, and the milestone




I want you to read all of this blog…..Please....I have something to say at the end. First, I wanna thank all you girls for spending time here. That’s important to me. I’m coming up ona nuther milestone. Next week will mark a whole year of bloggin. Yeah dude…..cool. I think my experience is a lot like yours. Its therapy and entertainment……and I wish I could be doing it all in person with ya cuz I love that feeling that connection brings. I hope I’ve been able to give ya sumpin worthwhile over the last year…….cause you’ve been good to me…..And I’ve thought about all of you more than you will know.…... Now I can’t take credit here.

Now most every morning I
Stare out the window and I
Think about where you might be
I've written you letters
That I'd like to send
If you would just send one to me

For years I walked to school. Rain , snow, and summer mornings it was always an adventure. I would get there just as the doors were opening so the only person there was the custodian…….. and me. The halls…….totally silent at 7 in the morning. With all that free time you would think my grades would be top notch. I gotsta tell ya
They weren’t.
I never got much prodding to do well in school…..I spent ma time loving my classmates instead. We would “pitch quarters” ifn ya know what that means. Laughing and kidding around until the bell rang at 9:05.
Ya see. Life at home …..wasnt all that fun…so I really took (and still do) take stock in making friends…that was VERY important to me ( trey logan….you ARE…… a sooooper genius).
Jacks party was……. A perfect high skool memory. A summer nite. Loud music, innocent boozing, good friends, no schedule, no worries, no curfew. Indestructable youth at its peak…..…like all boys eventually…my manhood was tested that night. Like I said, School was not a strong suit for me so I’m still not sure I passed. I……….got into a fight.
Chad and I were going to take a spin in the fiat and some guy had me blocked in. I tried to get him to move a few times and waited. To my disbelief he came over and started rocking the car. What the $%&*?????
I am NOT an angry guy but ahm tellin ya.. I FLEW outta the car ….right up against this guys chest. He was ……alot taller than me.

“IFYOUTOUCHTHISCARAGAINIMGONNAKICKYOURASS!”

He swung at me and missed. I literally grabbed him and flipped him. When he stood up….. I immediately broke his nose.
The crowd broke it up. Trey Logan Fail? ….mmmm…..doesnt get ma vote this time.
That’s when……..Valerie was suddenly glued to my side for the rest of the night. What the S%&* is she doin?? Valerie??
Later that summer we all went tubing at Goshen pass. Another perfect summer memory. Valerie somehow ended up on my tube. This …is….weird….“Is she ok??” We splashed and played all afternoon. Youth, innocence and young love. Valerie and the moron on a big black cheerio agoin downriver. Pabst a chillin in warm river water.
Lemme say..…I’m not too bright. I miss alot of stuff. Im still that way.
When senior year started she ……..started coming in to school early. Really early…… like when I was the ONLY person there. …puzzled look….O……K.
It took nearly ALL of senior year until Whitney walks up to me…… point blank “Valerie wants to go to the prom.”

“Really? Who does she like?”

She stared……paused and said…….. “Trey not EVERY girl in school is after Chad”…….and walked off. I

I……fell……………hard.

The prom was more than perfect. Hotel Roanokes ballroom was perfect. Her cousins picture, Kylene Barker, Miss America is still there on the wall.
Of course you cant leave the prom and return. The principal stood at the front door to insure we weren’t having TOO much fun. In what may be the only good decision I have ever had…..a month before the prom …….I rented a room for that nite! All nite long we…..walked passed him at the front door …..and hit the elevator button. We smiled…..…he frowned…….By the end of the evening the room was FULL…..people coming an goin….I had NO clue who everyone was….but everyone was havin a great time!!!!! Eventually it was just the two of us…….
Senior week we did what everyone did…….went to myrtle beach for a week! Yeah dude….Cut off blue jeans and flip flops……..cheap sunglasses and cases of Boones farm. Days in the sun….nights in the surf……Could life get any better??? The summer was love and smiles….. effortless, unbreakable…unshakeable wholeness. Young love that consumes all that you are…………………………………..there is nothing else but that. And nothing…….nothing will ever feel THAT good……
College started in the fall. It took only a month before she ………left me for another.
My world……….stopped. Completely.
My soul….poured out on the floor
How do you live without eating ? without sleeping? Without love? Are you really living? Is this all there is? I……cant live without that …..and now its…..just ……. Gone.
Six months into her freshman year she was wearing an engagement ring……his dad owned a jewelry store or so I had heard.
Every five years I helped organize our class reunions.
Every five years she didn’t show.
No one knew where she was. When I say no one I mean …..NO ONE. Even on the internet…..…her name just……….disappeared.
Still…….I knew one day I would see her again. So I …….waited.
Our 20 year reunion was approaching and I was adamant that we have it at the hotel where we had the prom……thinking it would be romantic….again…
She would walk in…as beautiful as the day we met……her smile would tell me yes and I would give her anything ………and everything….….forever……….
I surfed the web for nearly a year thinking surely something will pop up……..
On the last page of a lengthy search I found it.







Her obituary.













She died just two years ago.







My heart









Broke…………

And I dropped to the floor.





No.





Please



Whywhywhywhy?

SomeonetellmeandtheanswerbetterbethebestdamnthingeverimnotkiddingcauseimnotgonnastopaskingtillsomeonetellsmeananswerthatmakesmewholeagainDOYOUHEARME!!!!?



The dust settles and

I was……..not done……







I still needed to see her.







I found her dad.
He lived several hours away.
I made the call.
Her stepmom answered.
I said.







My name is









Trey

You







Don’t







Know



Me

But







Can I come and



talk to you?





ValeriewasmyhighschoolsweetheartandIjustneedtoseeher





I made the drive.

When she opened the door I came apart.









She showed me pictures of the last 20 years. We spent the afternoon together and I confessed my love……and my pain.

When I left.











I was free.









Big smile……

Free



It would take nearly 24 years after our breakup before I would fall in love again. If you find it again…..you have to do everything you can to keep it. Promise me you will do that.

This is why…………………………I preach to you……. ….keep your heart open.

Because………. Im leaving you.

I’ve made a decision……..one that’s……… not pleasant. I’ve had to make sad choices in the past but that does not ease pain that loss brings…..and I am there……..again.

My next blog will be my last.

'Cause you left me
Just when I needed you most

Bring it……….bring some peace…..cause this is hard for me. You girls deserve alot and stopping by in YOUR world has made me smile more than you realize.

22 comments:

"Seattle" Heather said...

Trey don't go. Please don't go. I'm sorry for your loss and I know how that feels...but your words are awesome and you touch all of us.
I'm selfish. I don't want you to leave.
Don't make me cry over you...damn it.

Bombshell BLISS said...

This absolutely sucks. Please don't kill your blog. You are like a little brother and I just love the way you think. This makes me horribly sad.

Rach said...

Trey, I'm so sorry about Valerie. No one can answer your question of why, because no one knows, Trey. I think we all have fantasies of seeing someone from our past and things falling into place again. I know I have. I will truly miss your blog. It was you who talked me into blogging. It does seem to be therapeutic. So who took the pic of your butt? :)

Christiejolu said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I was not expecting to read that.

I think you should take a bit of time off, but try to come back. If you don't..you will be missed. I wish you happiness. And I will take your words and remember them to hold on to love. Thank you!

Miss Angie said...

Oh god Trey, I am so sorry. But I'm going to agree with Heather and say I don't want you to go. Your blog and your comments have always touched me so very deeply, you've helped me so much.

Your blog is truly wonderful and beautiful. I love it, and everything you say has been so incredibly insightful.

I love you buddy! And do what you have to do, but know how badly you'll be missed should you go.

The Invisible Seductress said...

I have no words. I think you know how I feel. Respecting decisions does not make it any easier to deal with. You are a very special and awe striking gentleman, there are too few left in this world to count. I think we all felt that with your words. Your heart comes through with every post and it touches me.
YOU ARE A SOOPER GENIUS!!

xoxoxoxoxo always

and thank you

Carolina Girl said...

I'm sorry for your loss. Take some time to heal and mourn for your friend. I hope that when you are ready, you will come back. I will miss your posts!!

Just telling it like it is said...

Trey congrads on the year milstone!! it is a wonderful thing...ummm do you know how many Trey's I have on my facebook right now? a lot...including a topless cowboy!!!

f1trey said...

@ Heather- what a sweet girl you are... the loss is old news now....:) one day we'll share some fish tacos!

@ bombshell- thank you sweetie.... I have really enjoyed being here with everyone...but i cant seem to devote the time i think everyone deserves so im bowing out as best I can....

@ Rach- there was some professional photog at practice last saturday...

www.crashfootball.net

@ CJ- you riock girl...keep your edge.....way to sexy for cyber space!

Danielle said...

We will miss you! Loss is hard. Take your time with it!

Ca88andra said...

This post was awesome. Truly. It brought back some difficult memories and did it well. I'm sorry to hear you are leaving, but I wish you all the best.

Seneca said...

Do it Trey. I think I know what you mean. We do things, and then we grow. Move on. Not that it was bad what we were doing, but we aren't stagnant beings. Well some are. You are a good person!!

f1trey said...

@ Ang- I wish you the best darlin. you gotta big heart! keep it that way!

@ Invisible- green jello is available in west virginia.

@ Carolina- Keep runnin! dont stop! the south needs you! XXX OOO

@ Just- Nothing surprises me about you! :) keep it real!

Crazy Brunette said...

Trey....

Honey, must I cry at every single post you write?

I have loved like that, alot of dumb fucks can say, "I know how you feel."

Please know that I really do, I know a love that lasts, no matter how long it's been since you've seen the person, no matter when you last kissed them or heard their voice...

I think of this man EVERYDAY of my life, I think of him at least 20 times a day... While I'm doing laundry, while I'm shaving my legs, when I'm laying in bed at night...

You know what hurts even worse is that he lives 10 minutes from me. I saw him 3 weeks ago after it had been almost 2 years(and 5 years before that) and he has the same look in his eyes for me.

You know a look, and when some one looks at you and loves you like that... It never goes away.

I know how it feels to die inside.

I don't want you to go... But if I thought it was the best for me, then I can't fault you.

Kimberly said...

This will not do. We arent' needy chicks who needs your every spare second. What we are is your sounding board. A sounding board that cares & has opinions.

I'm not stealing your thunder - grieve, hold it for a second, let it go.

Linda Medrano said...

Trey, I will miss your charm and your wonderful style! You are truly a beautiful person. I wish you luck, health and love and I'm confident you will have all those in the coming years.

I think you've been a ray of sunshine for each and every one of us! God bless!

"Seattle" Heather said...

If you come out to Seattle let me know! Gonna miss the life of Trey. :(
Still so many stories I think you could tell some that you 'COULD take credit for'....
:)

f1trey said...

@ Danielle- Oh this is old news now! I apprecate the wellness concerns.... but like I said..im free!

@ Cass- thanks girl- i hope it didnt bring back too badd a memory for you..in the long run it was ok for me....

@ Seneca- I am MOST proud of yo and i really hope this turns out good for you ! youre very sweet and i want you to succeed!

@ Crazy- Im sure the list of broken hearts is around the block for you! I will miss you and hope love is kind to you!!!! :) X3

f1trey said...

@ Kimberly- you know where to find me if you need me!! :) wish I could do you some real help ma self.
yes ...youe right! my bloggy girls have been a great sounding board and that has been such a good thing for me..... you girls dont know what an awesome bunch you are!! crue rules!

@ Linda- THank you so much ... i love your blog and wish you the very best.... keep truckin!

@ Heather- i would love to meet gauge! :) lol youre the best and you know it! i wanna meet you in warmer climates...one day! peace baby!

Crazy Brunette said...

Well that much is OBVIOUS!

But, I love him too...

I'll miss you terribly dear.

You know you'll miss us....

o0625TaylorJ_Duraz said...

水是聰明者的唯一飲料. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

SKB said...

Ok. So this does suck and I heartily second each and every comment from all your bloggy girls. Though I understand, too, when you feel like you can't give it what you want to.

A suggestion? Rather than withdrawing all together, maybe just a simple change of format/formula? Maybe something a little less strenuous for you? I don't know.

Regardless, you know you've touched me deeply more than once, Sweetheart, and I'm just so incredibly glad to have made the connection with you even if it was 25 years coming... I do wish I'd known you back then because the last quarter century would've rocked. X's and O's, my Friend, you know I love you the best.