whatcha ona bout girl??

whatcha ona bout girl??
A retrospective on the inner workings of love, flying pancakes, mensa disasters, dandelion cookies, number bending, super salt, bubblegum oysters, chicken spit, crystal kidneys, guerilla carrots, polychromatic tofu, paraphysics, tender vigilanties, black sand, phillastine placebos, wood soup, buttered shuttlecocks, apostrophe training, fish whips, bleeding speed, plastic fantastic lobster telephones, venus drug rehab, clowns on fire, kiosks on a leash, marshmello overcoats, bottled light, fried blood, unbridled hyperthyroidism, folding wine, amygdula tickling, fainting in coils, hamburgers for the apocalypse, plastic memes, and conjugal fritters.....well...the love parts true

Monday, December 24, 2012

The death fart, pitching quarters, and the mini kings dominion.

Every word of this is true, and if anyone says otherwise they are a liar. I left off with almost surviving junior high and being demoted to….freshmen in high school…or thereabouts. I was glad to be able to reach out recently to my daughter and son….even if only in a message to let them know I miss them.  Now I can’t take credit here.

The best is yet to come
And babe wont it be fine

The best is yet to come indeed. How can you top old blue eyes?  Man ……..he truly was….. the shit.
It was now time for high school.  In the summer months I would walk myself to school and walk back.  The spring and fall air was so great back then and the walk home would be slow and peaceful….stopping to play with dogs and whatever diversions I could find.   But during the winter months I would ride with my dad at seven in the morning.   We had to be ready to leave the house at seven. Which meant I had to be up at 6:30 even though class didn’t start until 9:05.  Our morning ritual was a nightmare ….my dad would wake up at 6:15 and take a shit that would make you vomit …..it stunk up every single inch of the whole house …..every single day. On top of that he would smoke cigarettes while he was taking a shit. It was like he farted in your face and then blew smoke in it at the same time.  You didn't need an alarm clock …..you woke up Coughing and gagging from the death fart.. My mom always made cinnamon toast which was very nice.  I would grab it and run outside to breathe. Truthfully I never understood until later why my mom woke my sister and I up differently.  I would hear her gently sit on my sister’s bed and say her name softly a few times.  When she was up my mom would bang on my door and yell “GET UP!!!!!!!” and walk off. I would get to school even before the doors were open…and when the janitor unlocked school I was the only person there.  I always wondered why we had to leave so early.  Years later my dad told me it was because he would go to work early…start the coffee then leave for several hoursand go have breakfast.….so the other employees would think he had been in early and was already hard at work… wonderful idea dad.  I mean …great lie dad….thanks for that bit of info. 
 In Junior high we would pitch quarters up against the wall….the closest pitch would win all the other quarters…when we ran out of quarters it dimes and nickels eventually…… pennies. ….it was only change but so much fun!!!!
I remember running the 50 yard dash with Dennis Dean..he was the 6 foot star of the basketball team…we tied at 5.0 sec……not the 40 yard….50!!!!  Not bad.  But in the 600 meter….i sucked. haha
I was lucky enough to have many sweet girls as girlfriends most of them I met at camp.  High school was a brand-new world.  I was no longer king of the hill but that didn't matter I was happy to be who I was.  Freshman year we would go to bonfire parties and hang out….girls bodies started to change….which made me wiggle…..and I never did any drugs.  I was always proud of that even to this day… I never smoked a single cigarette ever but I did every once in a while sneak a little bit of liquor from my dad's cabinet.  My freshman year I started wrestling. I was instantly a success and did it for many years with great satisfaction.  Senior year I was team captain but didn’t finish the season because I realized my grades had suffered long enough and I needed to get into college…..high school was too much fun…for nearly too long. I can't express how much fun my high school years were.  I was happy, busy, with many friends and many exciting things to do …the class of 1982 was very close….
When I was around15 something different happened to me musically. The radio was no longer …as good as it  had been….  It was boring and predictable. Sure there were cool songs, Reo speedwagon, foreigner, ac/dc…but I was getting a hunger for more than that.   I had just started playing bass and I found that the songs on the radio were too easy to play.  To put it bluntly pop music sucked..  I started listening to King Crimson, Bruford, Jeff Beck, Kazume watanabe, jean luc ponty, and the Dixie dregs.  This was real music far and above anything I was listening to before.  I would never look back…. country music was shit, pop music was shit, progressive Jazz was cool….. . And of course Led Zeppelin.  Eventually that changed too …..classical music  eventually took over…thanks to NPR.. 
I worked as a dishwasher at howard johnsons.  Right across from Lews…its gone now.    I would get out of school and rush there to bus tables and wash like a madman….  The dinner rush was a killer and I was soaked with sweat and food…..hehe.  Friday nights we would go see the rocky horror picture show (which I urge my kids to see in a theater)…and get drunk.  (which I don’t urge my kids to do)   There was a bar upstairs in crossroads mall called the Catawba emporium and they never carded anyone so we would go there and drink for hours and listen to bands….and then go down the hall and play video games in the arcade…  no xbox back then.  Summers we would go to lakeside amusement park (again I urge my kids to go online and find pictures) which was like a mini kings dominion.  We would get 5 dollars and stay all day and night.  Riding the roller coaster and eating popcorn or cotton candy for lunch and playing arcade games for hours. 
I was never able to afford a car so I borrowed my parents.  Which was good of them.  Later on my dad would buy me the cheapest cars he could find to ensure that I never got a date.  ( a datsun b210) If it cost more than 500 bucks it was not going home with us.   I should have been more thankful…but I was embarrassed beyond belief.  Most of my high school summers were spent being a lifeguard which I took very serious.  Once or twice I rushed in and truly did some good. Real suntan oil was too expensive…so I used motor oil.  I also worked on the electrical crew at the Roanoke Civic Center…. it was amazing to set up the stages and the rigging.  To put up lights and sound systems and be back stage just to get close to my idols was real magic for a boy.  I would spend hours in the record exchange looking at rare albums and listening to music and talking to other folks about bands and who I was playing with. .  My junior year I got a job at Howard Johnson's washing dishes.  I didn't mind the long hours because it helped pay for albums , drums, gas and ,,,,, beer.  My friends Chad and Joel would play a bigger role as time went on.  Senior year was a blast I was crowned snow king at our Christmas dance.  I had dated many girls but none was more influential than Valerie Patton.    We had gone tubing at Goshen Pass in Lexington the summer before as a crowd and senior year I asked her to go to the prom and she said yes. From then on I was hooked …..she was my high school sweetheart.  Beautiful and smart I was lucky to have her. My senior year something changed in me. I realized I would have to make something of myself and go to college.  I had been offered a contract to play with a traveling band…but knew that my future needed something more than sex drugs and rock and rool.   As captain of the wrestling team I knew I had to quit so I could focus on studying hard.   I was lucky enough to get into Ferrum College with bad grades….. Valerie went to Virginia Tech. Three weeks into my freshman year of college she dumped me and got engaged ….within a month… to the son of a jewelry store owner….which made me……not very happy. haha   But they never got married.  I have to confess I was crushed. From that point on my college life was filled with studying…. and I mean studying.   I had wasted enough of my academic life and it was time to turn the tide.  

For my daughter:  I sure hope everyone is treating you well.  You have been through a lot.  If you ever need inspiration …read the book I gave you…..pull from within and trust yourself.    I believe in you very much.

For my son:   the next few years are going to be fun…enjoy them.  But be careful….. you have a long road ahead and you don’t want to ruin things early by making bad decisions.   I trust you too.
The best is yet to come

Come the day you’re mine

Bring it ……… bring those old memories…good and bad.  Its ok.  I survived.  …….and you will too….big smile.

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