whatcha ona bout girl??

whatcha ona bout girl??
A retrospective on the inner workings of love, flying pancakes, mensa disasters, dandelion cookies, number bending, super salt, bubblegum oysters, chicken spit, crystal kidneys, guerilla carrots, polychromatic tofu, paraphysics, tender vigilanties, black sand, phillastine placebos, wood soup, buttered shuttlecocks, apostrophe training, fish whips, bleeding speed, plastic fantastic lobster telephones, venus drug rehab, clowns on fire, kiosks on a leash, marshmello overcoats, bottled light, fried blood, unbridled hyperthyroidism, folding wine, amygdula tickling, fainting in coils, hamburgers for the apocalypse, plastic memes, and conjugal fritters.....well...the love parts true

Saturday, January 26, 2013

The bike built for two, a farewell to lotus, and the coming of….. Buppey man!!!!

Every word of this is true and if anyone says otherwise they are a liar.  I have to back up a minute….hehe…so this posting is not in the right place…in time… so I have to digress because in my old age I accidently skipped some stuff…..patawarin mo ko.  Bear with me…hehehe I know it sounds like a broken record….but the hits just keepa comin! Now I cant take credit here.

Sweat beginning to pour down
My neck as I turn around
Just get off this outing
A farewell Swan song
See you know how turbulence can be

One more red nightmare indeed. I had to trade in everything to pay off her credit cards. I was in shock…..there goes retirement.  This had to stop …..I took control of the bills and dug us out.  It took all of my investments…my retirement money, life insurance policies for the kids….all of it ..gone.  I let her have control of the money back because she threw a fit…..and within a year…. she had done it again…. We were deep in debt.
I had a confused look on my face when I approached her ……asking slowly. 


As usual she just blew the question off…..either A….. that was part of her plan.  Or B …she was incredibly stupid.

Or C….how bout both

The plan???? Spend more than everything because I would be responsible for her debt…after we divorced.  That plan was very thorough….and sadly a success.   She would “hang in there” for the required ten years that would allow her to collect my social security.  And she did…..the divorce came three months after being married for ten years….  Pure evil.
I had to sell the lotus to pay off her credit cards ….again…. I didn’t even have a credit card…and she would say every week “it’s almost paid off, it’s almost paid off”  I would see the statements and it was a lie…Plain and simple.

It got worse
every month.   

The lotus was an investment for my daughter’s college.  But I had to sell it to pay her debt.  I also had to withdraw all of Jennings college fund to pay her cards off….again.

Jens college money…..all of it…... Gone.   Thanks Mary.

Enough of that.  Music was still great refuge for me.  I had written over 100 songs and even recorded an album…I was very proud of that.  My son I think understands…hehehe at least I hope he does!
I remember feeling so good by wanting to surprise my wife and bought a bicycle built for two with a baby seat and a baby trailer for valentine’s day…it was romantic!  ..so all four of us could spend time together as a family.  My wife looked at it with disgust and said “why didn’t you just buy two bikes?? “ What a buzz kill. On a good day a rock was better romantic company.  She rode it only once.
So I took a job where I had to drive 3 hours roundtrip every day but i would be home at night.  It didnt help... My daughter was growing apart from me and i discovered why my wife was cold.... She was having an affair.  I was crushed....I went from shock to numb.   I demanded She seek counseling for her brothers sexual abuse because I wanted her to heal….because I wanted her to cope with her past…..just like a good partner should..I said we would do it together…..  I would support her….that didn’t help either….turned out the social worker we got to help her …hatched a plan to help her instead get me into counseling so he could make up what she wanted and show the court that I was unfit…he would just ….make it up…. And then of course bill me. While I was trying to help her…she was trying to find new and improved ways of screwing me over. 
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing….they were going to set out to do it together....all behind my back…... the pure evil of it all . It was worse than a bad dream……it was reality.  He called himself “santa clause”  because he was going to deliver what she wanted ….my kids.  Mind you this is the guy I hired to help my wife through being abused. 
And then we entered marriage counseling…. we took some tests and i will never forget the results.  The psychologist explained them.. The results?? I knew who I was …..I knew who she was..... She didn’t know who I was and…. she didn’t know who she was. 

I wasn’t surprised in the least. 

When I told the counselor what my wife was doing raising Jen …..she said…. quote “you need parenting lessons Mrs. Logan”. I was a torn man; my wife was destroying our marriage and poisoning my daughter.  I cannot count the times I begged her to please change ….
And then ….Jordan came. My wife cried she had gotten pregnant because she said she ”didn’t want to have any more kids with me.”  Jordan though is a blessing.  He is truly a fantastic boy..  he’s my buppie man! ….make no mistake I still love my daughter….she just doesn’t know it.   One day I hope things will be different. But I will never forgive my ex-wife for being so cold as to cry when she got pregnant with my son.
Our accountant messed up our taxes and I had to come up with 10 thousand dollars to pay Uncle Sam money he didn’t deserve. So I took a night teaching job….. But Mary still spent everything and I had to get a loan to fix it. Again…..  heehe are you recognizing a pattern here??
My job was still hard…. driving 3 hours a day so I took an offer as a medical physicist in Roanoke. That way I could be home all the time and the owner said he would sell me the business in a year …….he lied.  So i took a job at Roanoke memorial but home life was proving to be more challenging every day. I had a wife who didn’t love me and was doing one hell of a good job sabotaging our marriage and a daughter who was unhappy at home as a result too.  I will say those times were very hard for all of us.  I was increasingly frustrated at my wife’s behavior and my daughter’s unhappiness.  And I will admit my own part in all that.  I was getting angrier and angrier because nothing I did would work…..vacations….. dinner out,  expensive gifts and toys, trying to be patient. I truly wanted to be dad and husband of the year…hehehehe  so I was always working harder and harder to do more…I thought that if I gave everything she would see …..I would still not break or give up trying.
The truth was….i worked on the relationship…
she worked on getting out of it. 
I remember I used to rush home every day and clean the house from top to bottom before she got home, to do my part and ……not once ……did she ever say thank you for helping.  Yet I always told her thank you for cooking or cleaning or for anything she did.  So I asked her….”doing all this work around the house doesn’t make a difference in our relationship does it?” Without hesitating she said “no”.  I stopped doing anything around the house immediately.  Ill never forget it. She was so used to walking in to a spotless house after work. I would rush home and literally run through the house doing as much as I could before she got home.
 The next day I touched nothing and the house was a disaster.  She walked in and I just stood there waiting for her reaction.  She looked around and then looked at me like she could just kill me.  That’s about the time she said, and I remember it word for word “ I wish you would hurry up and die like your dad should have done 10 years ago”. 
My wife was the one who told me not to let my own dad come around anymore.  He and I didn’t have a great relationship anyway …but I had to please her and so he wasn’t welcome anymore …to satisfy her.  I will always regret that.  
I have to say in full disclosure and truthfulness…that my spirit was breaking down.  I couldn’t smile anymore about what the future held for my family….and it showed. 

For my son: Listen to jeff becks song called led boots….  Jeff beck played with jimmy page before led zeppelin formed…..Also catch “take if off the top” by the Dixie dregs.  I miss you very much and hopefully we can talk soon!!!! 

For my daughter:  Your mom and dad love you.  I think about you all the time.  Im sorry you never got the dad you wanted.  But it was not my fault.  Am I pointing a finger at your mom.  You bet..our failed marriage was 99% her fault and I will be happy to admit my 1%.  Am I wrong about other things???  Yes I have made plenty of mistakes…..Saying “I’m sorry” has never really been hard for me to say.  And you deserve to hear that. Your daddy still loves you and I’m sorry.

One more red nightmare

Bring it……..bring the truth.  Im not looking for pity or sympathy. On the contrary Im glad my marriage was finally over.  It taught me a lot.  Hardship is a great teacher.  It made me get up……..stronger.  (man…. I miss football).  My heart is still open…..very much so….and yours should be too.

POSTSCRIPT: Does this paint my ex in a bad light????  Since every word of this is true…  I don’t care.  But I have been labeled as the bad father….and I want the record straight about who did what.  Do I have my mistakes??   You bet.  I have my regrets…but I also have my dreams and wishes…...big smile…..did I mention you have to work pretty hard to kill me?????.... the love train rolls on……..


Kimberly said...

You're a glutton for punishment.

me said...

@Kimberly- hehehe I dont think i will argue with you...

Kimberly said...

Yeah you will because (say it with me) You're a glutton for punishment!