Gold, Brian Wilson, and the good bye

There is never a good time to say goodbye. I wish I could take credit here. But Brian Wilson said it best

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you

Lemme say the best loves in my world are also intense friendships. Even that, you will find, is far too rare for my liking. Powerful trust and comfort comes rarely on the open sea. But real love is based on more than what the adult world will offer both of us……So I ask you all to bring you’re A game to the table. Cause I want you well fed when I take your hand, put you in bed and snuggle up behind you in perfect comfort…..my arm wrapped around you …….making you safe and secure for the night.
Make peace in your world cause the reality on TV does NOT make me happy.
I think when you have entertainment in the form of COPS, addicted, Jerry Springer, Locked up, CSI, and repo man …..love has few friends in this world.
Life is not easy and apparently people enjoy seeing everyone else’s life in torment.
Im not happy bout that. Happy people make happy relationships.
TV shows, sales people, weight loss commercials, they all imitate love to get your attention. Sex sells. Still…. sex isn’t love. Don’t be fooled. It’s everywhere. And I don’t want you to settle for someone with a sales plan and a mask.
In the face of being marketed to….you will find a lot of people who will use you..…lie….embellish, fake and even put on an act to hide their ugliness …just to get you in bed. Keep your heart close. Its important that you know the difference between hamburger and steak. If you cant….go back to cooking school….. cuz your heart is going to hurt…….. Again. When you find something real….hold onto it with everything you have. Everyone seems to think the love train is just around the corner. Don’t fool yourself. Honestly, some people never see the love train again. So be ready.
My own history includes what I thought would be a good decision. I was wrong. True story. My own marriage devolved to the point that my wife once said to me “I wish you would hurry up and die like your dad should have done years ago”.
I know you’re under a lot of pressure. Work, health insurance, gas prices, car repairs, and food prices make it difficult to work on yourself because you’re managing life.
Think about it. None of that mattered in 8th grade…..did it?
That’s why 8th grade love is just the best. Hunt for that feeling inside yourself. Its done a lot for me.
In a world where money is king……love is only a stranger……nameless, faceless, and passing through.
But its rarity……makes it priceless……..keep your gold…….I’d rather have your hand.
Being wrapped up in real love feels like nothing else. And you know it. New clothes, a good meal, a good movie……just……satisfy for a moment….and that’s all.
You will not be able to cheat …. Lie …fake …or manipulate someone to get that feeling.. If you try to….you will fail……and I will be very sad. So don’t tell me if that’s your chosen path. Cause I cant follow you.

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on
believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you

Bring it…….bring nothing. You have already given me much and I want the best for all of you. Keep your heart open. Trey Logan may not be a super genius but he does know the only thing you really have is what you make with someone else. I still have work to do but its worth it to find that love again. Love fail? PASS. I want you there with me when the love train comes to town. I have an extra ticket. So give me your hand and say “hold me”. Cause God only knows if I will ever see you again.

The reunion,The fight, and the milestone

I want you to read all of this blog…..Please....I have something to say at the end. First, I wanna thank all you girls for spending time here. That’s important to me. I’m coming up ona nuther milestone. Next week will mark a whole year of bloggin. Yeah dude…..cool. I think my experience is a lot like yours. Its therapy and entertainment……and I wish I could be doing it all in person with ya cuz I love that feeling that connection brings. I hope I’ve been able to give ya sumpin worthwhile over the last year…….cause you’ve been good to me…..And I’ve thought about all of you more than you will know.…... Now I can’t take credit here.

Now most every morning I
Stare out the window and I
Think about where you might be
I've written you letters
That I'd like to send
If you would just send one to me

For years I walked to school. Rain , snow, and summer mornings it was always an adventure. I would get there just as the doors were opening so the only person there was the custodian…….. and me. The halls…….totally silent at 7 in the morning. With all that free time you would think my grades would be top notch. I gotsta tell ya
They weren’t.
I never got much prodding to do well in school…..I spent ma time loving my classmates instead. We would “pitch quarters” ifn ya know what that means. Laughing and kidding around until the bell rang at 9:05.
Ya see. Life at home …..wasnt all that fun…so I really took (and still do) take stock in making friends…that was VERY important to me ( trey logan….you ARE…… a sooooper genius).
Jacks party was……. A perfect high skool memory. A summer nite. Loud music, innocent boozing, good friends, no schedule, no worries, no curfew. Indestructable youth at its peak…..…like all boys eventually…my manhood was tested that night. Like I said, School was not a strong suit for me so I’m still not sure I passed. I……….got into a fight.
Chad and I were going to take a spin in the fiat and some guy had me blocked in. I tried to get him to move a few times and waited. To my disbelief he came over and started rocking the car. What the $%&*?????
I am NOT an angry guy but ahm tellin ya.. I FLEW outta the car ….right up against this guys chest. He was ……alot taller than me.

“IFYOUTOUCHTHISCARAGAINIMGONNAKICKYOURASS!”

He swung at me and missed. I literally grabbed him and flipped him. When he stood up….. I immediately broke his nose.
The crowd broke it up. Trey Logan Fail? ….mmmm…..doesnt get ma vote this time.
That’s when……..Valerie was suddenly glued to my side for the rest of the night. What the S%&* is she doin?? Valerie??
Later that summer we all went tubing at Goshen pass. Another perfect summer memory. Valerie somehow ended up on my tube. This …is….weird….“Is she ok??” We splashed and played all afternoon. Youth, innocence and young love. Valerie and the moron on a big black cheerio agoin downriver. Pabst a chillin in warm river water.
Lemme say..…I’m not too bright. I miss alot of stuff. Im still that way.
When senior year started she ……..started coming in to school early. Really early…… like when I was the ONLY person there. …puzzled look….O……K.
It took nearly ALL of senior year until Whitney walks up to me…… point blank “Valerie wants to go to the prom.”

“Really? Who does she like?”

She stared……paused and said…….. “Trey not EVERY girl in school is after Chad”…….and walked off. I

I……fell……………hard.

The prom was more than perfect. Hotel Roanokes ballroom was perfect. Her cousins picture, Kylene Barker, Miss America is still there on the wall.
Of course you cant leave the prom and return. The principal stood at the front door to insure we weren’t having TOO much fun. In what may be the only good decision I have ever had…..a month before the prom …….I rented a room for that nite! All nite long we…..walked passed him at the front door …..and hit the elevator button. We smiled…..…he frowned…….By the end of the evening the room was FULL…..people coming an goin….I had NO clue who everyone was….but everyone was havin a great time!!!!! Eventually it was just the two of us…….
Senior week we did what everyone did…….went to myrtle beach for a week! Yeah dude….Cut off blue jeans and flip flops……..cheap sunglasses and cases of Boones farm. Days in the sun….nights in the surf……Could life get any better??? The summer was love and smiles….. effortless, unbreakable…unshakeable wholeness. Young love that consumes all that you are…………………………………..there is nothing else but that. And nothing…….nothing will ever feel THAT good……
College started in the fall. It took only a month before she ………left me for another.
My world……….stopped. Completely.
My soul….poured out on the floor
How do you live without eating ? without sleeping? Without love? Are you really living? Is this all there is? I……cant live without that …..and now its…..just ……. Gone.
Six months into her freshman year she was wearing an engagement ring……his dad owned a jewelry store or so I had heard.
Every five years I helped organize our class reunions.
Every five years she didn’t show.
No one knew where she was. When I say no one I mean …..NO ONE. Even on the internet…..…her name just……….disappeared.
Still…….I knew one day I would see her again. So I …….waited.
Our 20 year reunion was approaching and I was adamant that we have it at the hotel where we had the prom……thinking it would be romantic….again…
She would walk in…as beautiful as the day we met……her smile would tell me yes and I would give her anything ………and everything….….forever……….
I surfed the web for nearly a year thinking surely something will pop up……..
On the last page of a lengthy search I found it.







Her obituary.













She died just two years ago.







My heart









Broke…………

And I dropped to the floor.





No.





Please



Whywhywhywhy?

SomeonetellmeandtheanswerbetterbethebestdamnthingeverimnotkiddingcauseimnotgonnastopaskingtillsomeonetellsmeananswerthatmakesmewholeagainDOYOUHEARME!!!!?



The dust settles and

I was……..not done……







I still needed to see her.







I found her dad.
He lived several hours away.
I made the call.
Her stepmom answered.
I said.







My name is









Trey

You







Don’t







Know



Me

But







Can I come and



talk to you?





ValeriewasmyhighschoolsweetheartandIjustneedtoseeher





I made the drive.

When she opened the door I came apart.









She showed me pictures of the last 20 years. We spent the afternoon together and I confessed my love……and my pain.

When I left.











I was free.









Big smile……

Free



It would take nearly 24 years after our breakup before I would fall in love again. If you find it again…..you have to do everything you can to keep it. Promise me you will do that.

This is why…………………………I preach to you……. ….keep your heart open.

Because………. Im leaving you.

I’ve made a decision……..one that’s……… not pleasant. I’ve had to make sad choices in the past but that does not ease pain that loss brings…..and I am there……..again.

My next blog will be my last.

'Cause you left me
Just when I needed you most

Bring it……….bring some peace…..cause this is hard for me. You girls deserve alot and stopping by in YOUR world has made me smile more than you realize.

a lemon farmer, The last child, and a couple of bags of dirt

Oh dude…..I am READY. I am SO ready. O…..yeah. I am SOOO……wrong. I was …Not ready dude. I.’m losing you again aren’t I ???
Practice was great this Saturday. It was Sunday that I couldn’t move. I made the right choice though. This franchise has talent and my body is FEELIN it. As per usual. I missed the mark. Been training hard…...just not hard enough I guess. Sunday I could barely get around. I wrapped my left thigh, knee AND ankle and went back to bed. When I woke up my whole left leg was swollen. I looked like the Travelocity gnome with elephantitis.
Fan…….tastic.
I guess its time to raise ma A game. Either I underestimated my teammates or I was overconfident. Either way…… Ahm diggin deeper. Lemme say….. I can be underestimated too……small smile….Now I can’t take credit here.

Hate's in the city
And my love's in the meadow
Hands on the plow
And my feets in the ghetto

Ok….ah got schooled……pay attention Trey……No part of the plan included getting thrown from the horse…. Oh well ……back on the horse dude…lesson learned….. I do have more to learn but gunna survive... I’m a quick study so the next step is to haul ya back to the classroom…whether YOUR ready or not……...wry smile. Some things just do NOT go as planned…….last child indeed….
Getting by is one thing……livin is another. I was horrified once when my grandma told me she and my granddad always did JUST enough to get by ……and that was all.
Fan..…..tastic
I’m part Italian so it took a fair amount of restraint to garnish ma tongue. Because what I was thinking was “that explains why the family is worth a couple of bags of dirt……” Haha..….wait..….what?
Boy that’s not pretty. So the thought never left my lips. Bullet dodger mode fo sho…….I faired better than the time I caught her eating an ENTIRE box of Whitmans chocolate. Ya know those big sampler deals?? Getting by was a GREAT plan …….to get her a SECOND set of knee and hip replacements. Bright idea? FAIL.
I stared at her as she popped them one after another……stoopified …….. Blink….blink…
I casually said she SHOULD be exercising. Her enlightened response? “I work around the house.” I….raised my voice a bit….. “That’s LIFE grandma!….....thats NOT exercising.” When I realized she wasn’t listening to me AT all……… I went to the kitchen.
And came back with a beer.
I flopped down beside her and popped the top for effect. I licked my lips and took a long slurping satisfying guzzle. Gulp……gulp…….gulp…..Ahhhhhhhh.
I looked over
Gramma was staring at me.
“you really shouldn’t drink”.
“O gramma” I scoffed….”its never to early to pickle your liver or get another knee replaced….besides….I work around the house.”
She didn’t like that answer.
It wasn’t a proud Kodak family moment. Her with a 6000 calorie Whitman sampler and me with a Bud lite.

Hypocrites 2…….Communication 0.

Where was I?

Oh yeah

I think its easy to underestimate or undervalue whats important. (thanks ....Trey Logan..…you …….are a sooooper genius) In my world it happens a bit too much for my liking. Getting by aint a lot of fun when livin is really what youre after. I wish things were different……. Meh…….wishin don’t make it so……. Im sorry to say. Ifn I had ma way Id letcha get your wish. Personally Id be wishin for fewer lemons…..and to have your head on my chest.
I know too many people who are getting lemons from life far too often. It might be good for me to consider becoming a lemon farmer……You make the lemonade and we’ll be getting somewhere.
In football underestimating the defense is……..not a good idea. Be ready…...or be ready for pain. One thing you can count on…….the hits just KEEP comin…..till they get you down. SO I better plan on getting up ……..every play.
The love train doesn’t stop on the bad side of town often. When it does stop on easy street…its only there for a while so ya besta be ready!! So be prepared to wave as it goes by ..…..or make peace to find your own happiness. That’s the secret for two tickets to the gun show or a pass on the love train. But more than that……..
My stock as a man is measured by my ability to stand up when theres a storm. When things are good…love is easy…….its when things are tough that I need my character to be a rock….….for my lover. Cuz fair weather love wont last long.
I need to remember that.

I was a last child
Just a punk in the street

Bring it……..bring a better plan. Maybe together we can come up with sumpin that will make us both smile. I’d vote fuh that ma love. How bout the best defense is a good offense? I am SOOOOO ready. You playin or what?

Brass balls, New flowers, and love on the limit

Been reminiscing a bit with old high school friends (I say old….. but I don’t mean it). They’re still the best buncha hooligans goin. I still run into a few who say they hated that time…..…which baffles me but I guess I have to be more understanding cuz everyone didn’t have the same experience I did. Nowadays it seems the pressures of adulthood kinda put the kibosh on finding love on every street corner. Now I cant take credit here.

I have climbed the highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

My buddy Chad and I had a long history…....all of it good. There isn’t enough space on ma blog to tell ya all that we did in high school…..
But I remember one time…he picked me up…..all frantic…..excited…..nervous……”I gotta go see her man!.......I just gotta”
We were in high school and he was gaga over some college girl……. and the plan???....... Sneak on the all girls campus at night and get in her dorm. Haha...….wait……what?…
.blink….blink…..yeah….small smile…...no worries…..sure…....this will work……ARE YOU NUTS???”
I kid you not
He had a t shirt on that said “liquor in front poker in rear”….well…if you read that slowly it can mean two different things…..read that again…..
Needless to say…….its NOT the shirt you wear to woo a young maiden. So I took off my wrestling shirt and he put.it on while we drove. He was really nervous….not sure what to say…..perfect young love on the limit……cool dude.
We coasted in with the lights off so not to tip off security and off silently in the dark he went.
I sat in the car and waited…….and waited……..and……waited some more.

Until I see ……….the campus police cruiser…

O…..MANOMANOMANOMAN…..

I sink down in the seat and my body goes stiff.

O…..NONONONO……

Where in the $h*# is he?

Fan…..…tastic. Whatamigunnasay?

Hello officer I …..I…uh…ibba kay toona meffa slooty pooble…haha..slooty pooble?.....k? hehe you can believe that cant you officer?
I held my breath and it just ……..slowly went on by.
Ah couldn’t really be mad at Him. If anything I was happy and envious. Heck I was excited FOR him! Yeah dude….cool….those butterflies are just the best ya know?
THAT’S the feelin ahma huntin……just like the chills I get when I listen to “dream of the return” by Pat Metheny…. Warning…… do NOT down load this song unless you are prepared…….I work hard not to weep whenever I hear it. Seriously.
Justa letcha know…… round 3 emailed me. …..silence……..
It was a scathing attack that I had blown her off when she needed me and that I was NOT a knight in shining armor as she had thought…..I asked her if we could get together so I could clear the air because email just doesn’t do it for me. I got back several emails dodging my attempts to fix it……….so I sent this………


“I dont like it when i see someone take a step that distances them from what they really want.
I dont fight those people any more
I let them say the opposite of what they want, then give them what they ask for.
I DO "get you" ... dont you FEEL that???....and if you work hard at keeping me at a distance I wont try to stop you.......and these are the kinds of things that once they get ruined they dont get fixed.....
all you can do five years later is look back and say...i should have done things differently......
call me......”


well……I did ma best…..my phone stayed silent……. No butterflies today. Will there be another email? No dude…..said ma piece……big smile.
In the shadows I can barely make out a figure running full tilt toward the car ……..As Chad gets closer I can see him smiling…….and I did too. Today is a good day to have brass balls.
They’re relationship didn’t last but the memory of that evening was perfect. Looking back….I wouldn’t have done anything different.. Epic Trey logan FAIL?.......Not today.

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Bring it……….bring it when your hearts open. Actually….small smile…..I put that on a card I sent with some flowers today…hehehe …met someone I thought was nice……..I don’t stay down for long so if your heart is closed…. I might just…....letcha go! My buddy Chad is……….gone. Buried before we were done. I……still have his memories with me and…….. he deserved a bit more …even after high school…reality rules…cheers Chad. I miss ya buddy and wish you were here so I could tell ya how the flowers go.