the antwone fisher of men, the olive garden college fund, and broken milk

Been thinking alot lately....  nothing over the top.....news wise....    im good.

big smile.   works a bit of a stress but im not really working....lol...... though dinner dishes need cleanin right???   i can live with that.....as should we all.  we have to eat and things that get dirty have to be cleaned at some point.......or thrown away.  At any rate make peace with your decision. Surely my exwifes attorney will agree.  Send her a bill.
I was watching the movie antwone fisher lately and a great line came up.  "nobody gonna take anything away from me anymore".  True that.  Be forced to give up everything.... and you know what it means to be the strongest man alive.
I have been that man.

I am that man.

I have a line of my own.

If i treat you well .....respond in kind..........cut me off and you get nothing from me.  If you forget my resolve  i can remind you when you ask again.
People dont always get what they deserve.  Not always have i been fair.  I know you understand.  I can admit things dont always go to plan.  I dont get it right my fair share.
But i want my kids to know that i never wanted them to be without me.  I never wanted to be without them.  Some doors never close but i have no regrets not looking out my window to see that your not there.  Thats your choice.

Oh..... that wasnt your choice?

I truely was not aware that the blame game had losers....and winners. You feelin me?  Spin and doctor dont really fit well.......
whose engineering was it exactly then?
Be careful where you throw those stones.

Oh.....im too late.

well........
No use crying over spilt milk.  and...you cant put milk back together after you break it.
Think I'll have some water instead.  I understand people in hell want some.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh. satisfaction....
In fact im satisfied with that.  really.  Big smile.  Getting divorced was one of the happiest days of my life.  Sorry kids......ask your mom where your college money is....... or better yet you should have bought  some stock in olive garden....ah the memories  i paid for .....but didnt get.
What my kids dont understand is that this was NOT what I had planned.  When a woman wants a divorce because she doesnt want to be married to a man..she does NOT want him around her children.  In front of them she says "they need their dad".  Its a lie.  when a woman wants the kids she does everything in the shadows to keep him from having a good relationship with them...because she might lose them if they have a strong relationship with dad......and she cant have THAT.  So she smiles and says  " its not me ..its the courts". So the kids automatically get brainwashed that dad doesnt love or want them.  All the while she just shakes her head like its dads fault hes not here and shes sorry hes such a loser...while its all been engineered ......without the kids knowledge
Do you know what i got for 12 thousand dollars/ year??

nothing

zero

Oh...wait...i got a few kids who hate me .......and think i dont care about them.

Plan B

I have a new family......thats fair...my exwife has a new family......

I deserve the same.

So i have a new family.

I have my dreams just as you.  And they live again and i sleep well.  If you cant sleep you cannot come with my dreams... and i will not pay for your sleeping pills.  Its a dream i had to wait for...Im sorry you werent there jordan and jennings.
I have a new plan.
If you set yourself on fire........burn.  Wheres my glass of water?  Im thirsty.
Someone call 921!!!! hurry!!!!!!   uhhhm .... 991? Oh crap...... is it..... 1800 i told you so?
 ...big smile......
kids .....call me sometime........Call me antwone........ fisher.
If you detect some sarcasm and anger.....kudos ......your normal.......

so am I

Redeemed.  Stronger smarter faster.  ...and believe it or not....happier, unemployeed and no longer a us citizen....... with a different name.  Boy the the things we do for love.   Iniibig kita mahal ko....isang bago kapamilia...masaya ako sa yo at mga anak mo.
A softer wiser heart?  Yeah ........  big smile.   Gots me that too.  Being shit on makes you appreciate roses.  Sorry the preceeding sounds like lemons....its followed by a good wash of tequila....i assure you. Truth is... i sent two roses this week...   Im happy....so is she.   hehehe
And if i hear one more stupid dumb fuck who missed the point say "youre bitter ....you need to get over it".....please do the right thing and .......send my kids to college  and  make sure theres extra for the exwifes husband to have the chicken ceasar salad.........every month...... for the next 21 years.... or you can  go  to  jail.  You choose.  You have a choice..... right????  Oh and dont be upset.  Why would you be upset about losing your children?  You shouldnt get upset about that..."just let it go."......  "just get another attorney".

Truely my life has been happy...... followed by disapointments aplenty.  But it has taken all that  to recognize what makes life so great....... so sweet.....precious.....and happiness???   Its mine now.  And you cant take it from me.  You can only join me.  sa iyo pa na ginib mahal ko.  masaya nandito ka.

POSTSCRIPT: would i welcome a call from my kids......ofcourse.  I miss them very much and wish they would allow me to call.  A warm gesture is always appreciated.  However if your going to send me a text out of the blue asking me to pay for 40 thousand dollars of college .......  i would rather have heard the warm gesture in there .......somewhere.  If not i think an answer to the question "Mom what did you do with all the money dad gave you?" better come first.

POSTSCRIPT DEUX:  The roses were a smash......  The love train doesnt get much concern lately....because everything is fine...  big smile.....108 lbs of fire.  Im happy.    The roses are a hit.  and nights are good.  Now the bad news we will be separatated for a month for reasons i cant express.....and then we will see.....  mmmmmm
POSTSCRIPT TROIX:  Some people dont ever want peace...no matter how hard you try to offer it.  I wish my children the best.  I am truly at a loss...and my heart cant break any more than it has but its amazing that they get so much pleasure from treating me like shit.   Everytime....E V E R Y T I M E we have contact.   OK......find someone else to punish...  I quit.  I remember one time my exwife said " i dont care about your financial problems".

Really?

Ah the the circle of life.

All I can say is

"I dont care about your financial problems".

The alter of forgiveness, the cowardly lion, and the kings horses.

The alter excuse me...altar.... of forgiveness …kind of requires courage and strength…some got it …..some don’t.  I guess the thorns  of regret are not enough against pride made of stone.    No matter…..some choices you make ….others are made for you.
The art of forgiveness then in my eyes is not a blanket of 7 times 70 …and justice for all…..always.
Sorry life just doesn’t seem to reciprocate the golden rule.
That being said there are some who deserve an apology.  The ones who don’t…..well……wont get one from me.
Mind you an apology and redemption are two different things.
Redemption  you earn…..…an apology is something you offer.
Hindi pareho iyon. Iba lang. Naintindihan mo ko?
Some people  want the sweetness of apology …..but not the work of redemption….sorry…its not free…..just the apology is.  The forgiveness just takes courage.  The scarecrow was too smart to be the cowardly lion.
Some things cannot be redeemed.  I cannot change the past.  No matter how hard you demand it. No matter how long you hold out for it.  No matter how much pain you plan to weather or dish out.
Like I said some things are choices and others….are not.  I have spoken in the past of olive branches. If every olive branch offered is scorched with the need for revenge then…the olive orchard dies…..eventually there will be no more olive branches to offer.
I confess I am guilty of turning my back …….yes…….sometimes.  But not turning back. If its obvious to me that I have done all that I can….or that you are going to require me to do ALL the work…….or that your only plan is to continue to use me as a tool …….or a doormat for your abuse…… Yeah….I have no problem turning my back.  did you expect anything different?  Do I regret it?...........not in the least.  I try but don’t always succeed.  Doing the tango solo really cant be all that much fun….so yeah it might only take one to mess it up but it sure takes two to fix it…….if its fixable.
Trainwrecks don’t really qualify.  You derail love or trust and well……..  you might have to find another mode of transportation.   Oh….you knew that already.
The kings horses don’t do a very good job with humpty…..the men aren’t much help either.
So what of it?  You have past and pain and …then what?  I guess you can live with the demons you spawn ………….or you can make peace.  Pumili ka. dahil minsan walang magagawa. Ano gagawin mo?

Relationshsips, broken family, and ears wide shut

ON RELATIONSHIPS
Theyre fragile.
Very
oh......you knew that.  Well...at least we agree.  hehehehe.  Im not sure why this would be such common knowledge.........  and ignored at the same time.  There is not much effort required to destroy a relationship....but it sure takes a lot of work to keep one from falling a part.
Oh.....you knew that too.
Beyond that point......it takes some humility and balls to put something back together after you screw it up.  the words "I screwed up"  is a good start.  "what can i do to fix it?" is next.  Kudos to anyone who got it.
If you cant do that ..............there isnt a whole lot left to say.   Seems your the only hard headed resident on prisonheart island.  Kudos to you if you understand.
Figuring out how to tear a relationship apart really doesnt require much brain power......or overtime.  Making peace with someone .......does.  
Some people you cant make peace with.
Oh.....you knew that one too.
Ive always said no relationship is preferable to a bad one.  Letting go of something toxic .....really is pretty easy.....  Breaking something down isnt nearly as hard as keeping something together.  Ever see those two people and wish you had what they had?  I will admit.....its hard to get two unselfish people together.  Truly I wonder why that is.  I learned alot from the people in my life that did their best to suck the life out of me.  Parents , friends, exlovers, coworkers, business relationships, and others.  Users, abusers.....
Oh....You met them too?
 I can tell you they nearly succeeded.
Nearly.
Big smile.  I have a different policy and life now.  Im VERY HAPPY.  Fuck with me for your pleasure, policy or hollow needs and i will hurt you badly.   Regardless of the cost.
I know this doesnt sound like the person you are used to.  Its the difference in stepping up and being stepped on.   My good nature has allowed people to walk on me ...and you too im sure.

I know you understand.

But i am here because of what is ahead.  Not because of the past.  I am happy for what is ahead.  There are so many mornings and nights to enjoy.  Past shackles are just that.  Is there a more valuable lesson?
I'm sure everyone has their own fair share of bad relationships. Myself included. And I think it's fair to say that since you can't legislate goodness and the Bible hasn't worked for the last 2000 years that you must find another way to manage people who are not ever going to follow the Golden rule.   Sometimes you can only fight fire ...with napalm.   The new policy?  Locked and loaded.......your 70 times 7?  I dont espouse to being a thinkless moron anymore.  You want blood from me be prepared to see your own.  Thats why i wouldnt make much of a hostage in this part of the world.  If i keep spitting on you , eventually you will chamber a live round.    I learned that from my exwife.  Shit on someone enough and they eventually give you what you want.  Is this the line for sheep?
Thats ok....the line for real men is empty.  Im going over there.  You wait here dude.   This is the line for guys with no balls.
I dont give a god damned fuck if you think this is irrational.  Im not playing by the "give us your money, future and your soul and make sure you go along like everything is ok........ok?" ...law.
I assure you im completely normal.  Happy healthy and normal.  Im just not wearing the "its ok to shit on me anymore glasses".  The new "let me hand you your teeth" glasses instead  fit just fine and i like them very much.  Try me.
In order to fix it you have to know what's wrong with it.
Somehow Peoples internal barometer on give and take is busted. Which makes sense to me since I run into people all the time who are not self-aware or their decision-making process is busted.
Maybe they just don't go  into self check mode .....Or even know how to.
However said there is a balance between give and take that HAS to be observed...... if you want to have a relationship with someone.  It's a balance and it's only healthy if it is in a balance. If you skew too far in either direction then you got a problem. Too much of a good thing, too much ice cream, too much coffee, too much sleep. Okay so it's common sense stuff. If you are a giver and you give too much you're an enabler. If you take too much your .....not going near me.  Im sure of it.  
Having a  successful relationship is kind of like observing the rules at Christmas....... you have to give and it's okay to take but you can't do just one all the time.  Having both is....true gold...and worth holding on to.
Are the rules of Christmas really that fragile?  The year seems pretty hollow if the rules of christmas dont apply the other 363 days of the year.  Keep your compassion in a box and give it away once a year?  Thats  a great idea.
Breaking something down is easy.  What you do to make things right is really where the gold is.
I have to share this punking.  I just have to.
a while back I met a girl and she was all gaga over getting my number so i gave it to her.  Of course within in a day shes acting by text as if i am her savior and deeply in love.  This lasts for about 4 days.  I listen to her woes of abusive past husbands, how hard it is to raise the kids, and so forth.  All Important info so i do my part and am attentive.  On the forth day, I realize she hasnt really asked me ANYTHING about......me. .......At all.  This is ALL about her....... Heres the rest of the conversation by text.
She said....."So I took him back and then one day he just packed up his bags and left saying I can go find another."
"Yeah next time you will be smarter.  I have problems with a certain type of woman myself."
"Really?"
"Yes, I get involved with women who want free attention.  they dont really want a relationship they just want the free attention for their ego bank.  When it comes time to show up ....they disapear.  But i dont do that anymore.  Now I disappear."
"So you need a promise?"
"No. The promise is worthless.  Promise promise promise.  You actually have to show up in order to have a relationship."
"You mean just be friends?"
"No thats not what i mean.
..... here let me show you.  Why dont you get someone to watch the kids tomorow night for about 4 hours and come over?"
"I cant"
I reached over and ........turned the computer off.  It was too perfect.  Big smile.
She had some weak one line attempts to contact me.......i never responded.
Weeks later i saw her and she said "why did you make me cry?".
I took a sip of coffee and walked off.
One more......
Im at work and this nurse walks up and says
"blankety blank wants to go out with you"
"Really?.....ok...ask blankety blank if i can have her number?"
She returns an hour later with blankety blanks number. "blankety blank wants you to call her"
I text blankety blank that night.  Just general things....how are things? how was work?
No answer.
For a week.
then i get a text.
A WEEK LATER
"sorry my phone wasnt working."
Completely improbable but ill give the benefit of the doubt. so i text back
"thats ok.  Would you like to get together this weekend?"
I cant. Im busy.
so I wait till next week and text her again.
"would you like to get together?  If you tell me your busy i wont bother to ask again."
right on cue the EXACT words come back
"Im sorry  Im busy."
Next week about 50 nurses stop me. Seriously....50.
"sabi mo sa blankety blank?"
and my response was great.
"no..... but tell her ill call her tonight."
The next day again, they all asked "have you called blankety blank?"
and i said
"no ...but tell her ill call her tonight" and smile
This literally goes on about 45 times ....and i always responded with
"no but tell her ill call her tonight" and smile
After a week the nurses started getting frustrated
"I told her you would call her last night, ......but you didnt call her!!!!!"
i smile and say "Tell her ill call her tonight"
After a while they finally left me alone. I didnt feel bad at all.  You want to play fifth grade?  Baby I graduated from head games high school.....with honors.
2 FULL months later blankety blank walks up.... out of the blue and ......says her first words to me.
"i would like to invite you to my birthday party this friday."
And I said.
"Im busy".
I may have mentioned im done with bullshit.  Done...and happy to hand you your ass. Walang kawawa.  Besides Im in a better place than i have been in years. LOL I bring my A game...i always have...if you bring your Mc B game, serve it to the guy next to you.  
  .... I dont need a woman.  The love train is about finding someone great for YOU!  Need and searching have NOTHING to do with it.  The love train hands out tickets to two people you cant break...... there is no coach section.  Half ass it somewhere else.
Oh ....you knew that TOO?
My current squeeze is.....good....she makes me happy and when i see her smile i know its good.  Not perfect...LOL........ jazz takes some time ......but her feet are so sweet under the covers.....sleep is good.  Will it last?  Maybe?  No regrets.  None.
Personally, i am turning new corners and crossing new bridges all the time....much to my satisfaction.  Sometimes that path is by choice.....sometimes i get pushed.  Regardless.  I am stronger than your black heart.
I have accomplished many things here and owe much thanks for a listening and often bored audience.    But my thanks to readers cannot be overestimated and i am grateful to have people to jaw to.
This blog has been for many reasons.  The most recent ambition was to let my children know about their father and to guide them in my absence.   Instead they have decided to continue with the shallow and  ill fated plan of "shit on dad so he knows how much we are angry" instead of trying to find a way to make us all heal..and searching for the truth........Im done with being the recipeint of such idiocy.  I will not plead my case anymore.  It is clear though that they want NOTHING to do with me.   The last message i sent to my daughter was there was nothing left to destroy between us and and to take care of herself.  I wish you all great fortune and emotional happiness......  join me. :)

ON HEALTH

ON HEALTH
Youre not doing enough.  Period.  I will confess...its a passion for me ..like music.  Its hard to deny the benefits.  Anyone? Anyone want to argue?
The good news? its worth it.
The bad news?  Its NOT free....and its not easy.
Fat people use the treadmill.  They continue to use it.  They continue to be fat.
Becoming healthy and staying that way is hard.  I get upset....unjustifyably when i see someone who has tortured their body for 43 years then think they can get on the treadmill for 20 minutes ...three times a week, eat MORE salads with low fat dressing and think they will lose weight.

After three weeks they give up.

Really? That was your effort?  You spent the last 43 years gaining weight and think it will come off after three weeks?  AND cutting out some snacks???  Really?
Heres the math.  20 minutes a day...lets see that leaves 23 hours and forty minutes you didnt exercise.  Twenty minutes/day works out to 1.3 %  So you increased your workout time from 0 % to 1.3 %.  If you do it EVERY day.  Lets say its just 3 times/week.  that means there were 4 days out of 7 that you DIDNT work out.  That brings your effort to a blistering less than half a percent.  And THAT was your plan?  Fail.  Clear and simple.
 I meet fat people who say  "I take the stairs because it helps."  Yeah....talk to any olympic athlete.  "I owe this win to my trainer who suggested i start taking the stairs instead of the elevator." "Im using low fat dressing now".
Working out is no different than any other commitment.  Can you get through college with 50 % effort?  How bout your marriage?  Im sure your boss will say its ok to show up only 50 % of the time.  Wash only 50 % of your clothes or tell your bank your only going to pay  50% of your mortgage.
Its not a bad lesson to learn.  Cliche completely....but its true.  Nothing worthwhile is easy.  Plan for it to be hard.......for it to hurt when you push....to drive you nuts when you want some chips.....  To add an hour more to your workout.
When I see someone in the gym on a machine with the minimum weight and their face looks like their watching television, I ask them.  "do you look like that during sex?"  If i dont see it in your face, your wasting your time.  I grab the pin , add 30 lbs and they say .... "but thats heavy"......
"Oh.... You came here for the snacks....i mean the towels?.........the.......free CNN?"  My mistake.  Put the pin back to 5 pounds and walk away.  Yeah Im not friendly when it comes to this issue.  I have a shirt that says "shut the fuck up and train".  and i wear it.  Dont bring your doughnuts to the gym.  Bring your nuts.
Truth is ...it took a long time for me to understand what it took to get in shape and eat right.   Which means you will have to do alot of work to get to that point too.
Let me give you an example.  Several years ago I decided to watch my bread intake.  I was only going to eat dark breads.  So every time I went to Wall mart I bought the dark stuff.  Feeling good that I was doing the right thing.  Turns out they bleach the dark stuff first, remove everything worth having and then.... dye it a dark color.  So you'll buy it.

Fantastic

What a fuckin lie.  ....   But it gets worse.  The deeper truth is a piece of bread has a higher glycemic index than a candy bar.  Are you shitting me?  A piece of bread is worse than a snickers?
The best plan?....stop eating bread.......  period.  I didnt say it was easy....did I?

For years I cooked chicken breasts in a george forman grill because you could see the fat just ....running out the side, disgusting.......and...... and thats healthy ....right?  I was doing my part......being smart.

Then I took zenical.

The amount of fat it blocked.......blew me away.  It was a plain chicken breast.  No mayo.  No seasoning.  just a plain chicken breast.  Can you get more boring or tasteless?  surely it was ok by itself.  The zenical blocked so much fat that the grill didnt ............I was shocked...and angry.

Heres the moral.  Eating the grilled chicken salad with almonds and lite dressing at Applebees is still....killing you.  I hate to break it to you.  I was the same way.   I understand. ...and yeah it pissed me off.  
Being in shape isnt a part time job.  People walk in the gym trying to figure out how LITTLE they can do.  ...then they leave all happy that theyve done something.

Wrong.
People who really UNDERSTAND ...laugh inside when they see them walk out.  They ALWAYS get the MINIMUM results.  1 pound?  2 Pounds?
The point is to figure how MUCh you can do.  How much can you physically tolerate?  NOT....what can I get away with?
Sorry.....its the truth...put the minimum weight on  the machine and you will get the minimum results.  And I ........absolutely............ lose it when you put the weight on and girls say  "but i dont want big muscles."
Really?

Three reps and your going to explode with huge arms?

Your worried about having TOO MANY MUSCLES?   Being too muscular?  Have you seen the guys in this gym?  THEY ............CANT GET BIG....no matter how hard they try  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT.......the bottom line lesson for my kids is ........you better be prepared to work harder and be smarter than the companies selling you crap for food if you want to live a long and healthy life.  Or you can have a coke and a smile....while it lasts.

ON OFFERING AN OLIVE BRANCH

Its nice to see the world ……..and then see it anew.  Enough has been said of the past.
And so its time to bring the good stuff.  My kids deserve that….there are many things they need to hear....questions they cant get answers to......help they cant get because im not there.  Support that vanished.   Anger because they dont have the guidance they deserve.
I can only offer an olive branch.
Its a good thing.  In the face of certain criticism.  Being blasted.  Being shown the door.  taking your own medicine.  Being called a hypocrite.

Its worth it.

Your character depends on it.  What you see in the mirror depends on it.  How well you sleep at night depends on it.  So....dont worry...its not important.
Dont offer an olive branch.  Dont reach out.  Make the other person crawl for forgiveness.  Make them pay.  They owe you dont they?  Feel good .....youre right ...theyre wrong.....right?

right?

Offering an olive branch is nothing more than saying "i am willing to do my part to make something broken....heal."  Offering an olive branch doenst say "you owe me" .  You cant be guilted into it.  You cant offer it at gun point.  You cant point a gun to get someone to accept it.  You cant give conditions for it.

You just...................offer it.

It doesnt hurt.  It doesnt cost.
An olive branch isnt 20%.  It isnt "lets be civil and see what the other person does".  An olive branch doenst "feel out where we stand".  You  OFFER an olive branch.
OFFER
It doenst come with conditions.  Or commandments.  Or demands.
If you have the chance.  Hold back.  Dont give in.  Dont appear weak.  You can do it.  Just suck it down.  You can be strong and just ...........dont offer an olive branch.  Make them work for it.  Thats fair.

right?

Cut an olive branch and give it away.
An olive tree has many branches.  Givng one away gives you strength.
Im not sayng trade punches with the devil.   The devil doenst accept olive branches.  He's busy on his knees being free.  Do you want to be free ....or fix a relationship worth having?  The one with the olive branch gets to decide.
What will you do with it?
Hold on to it ...or give it away?  Im not sure but holding onto an olive branch really doesn’t yield anything.  You have to give it away for It to have meaning and worth.
Is that always the answer.  I wouldn’t think so.  For some…Im sure receiving an olive branch is just an open invitation to abuse, or use.  I admit I have been guilty of not practicing what I preach sometimes.  But that doesn’t invalidate that what I say is true.  Make peace where you can.
Besides….  I rather like olives…..let me know if you want any.

warm snakes, house hunting, and the rubics cube master

Ok…….so now……  back to bloggin. 

There have been a few iterations of my bloggyland.  Much said….and I am at peace with shouting in the desert….if it be so……even kung mag isa lang.    In the past whatcha ona bout girl was more of a structured confession slash interesting departure about men and women relationships.  I think its safe to say those days are over.  Mission accomplished.  The love train is still going.  The true story of my life is laid out for my kids to see the truth.  Agendas completed and I am satisfied…..however sad for their loss…..and  mine. 

From now on if I have something to say it will more than likely just…… stream out…..with less forethought…  big smile

I heard where 70 is the new 30.  That makes me about 24.  Ok……. I can live with that……for now. 

For a 24 year old…there is much road underneath me….….fore and aft.   A History teacher of history has much to say…….my grade is questionable…..but par…… and I would be happy with that. 

The snake says “trust me”.  They all do.  A snakes smile is easier to see when you have been through history class.  I must profess I am seeing the  lie much better than the folly that befalls innocence and youth….. 

Snakes also say….”we are not all alike”…… hindi naniniwala iyon.  Pasensya.  Patawarin mo ko pero totoo tunay.

Ok OK ..some are Black with red stripes and some are red with black stripes….either way they are  transparent….and their clarity…..crystal….

trust is earned…and snakes ultimately……… even though they work hard to conceal their lack of control ……show it…..for a second…..always.  MUDDS women for those interested in a twist of silliness. 

The lover snake calmly offers where shes been …without youre asking.  She assumes if you didn’t see it…..then you cant “know”.  Can you?  History class says the sun  will rise…even though you cant see it in the deep of night.  I didn’t need to be there to know it happened.

The lawyer snake is “only trying to help”…. Line his pockets with your dreams.  Robbery in plain sight.  It takes balls to stab the man paying for your meal in the back…… and call it a profession.

It is easier for a bad girl to pretend she is sweet than a sweet girl to feign a black heart.  History has shown me both…..your mask is no longer any good.  Lie as you wish……but your belly will be empty……

I am a snake charmer…..in the land of snakes I can be nothing else.  Except to add the obvious…..snake charmers need to eat too…..and if I am to charm then it is a mistake not of my choosing because no snake will provide warmth and love. 

The land of snakes offers little in the  warm sweet committed and loving department.  Quite the opposite.

There is one more story I would like to impart….it will be the last one…but a good one.  I have made much of my exwifes endless capacity  as a moron……other times as just evil. 

Here tis….

One day she walked in and said “lets move” .  I think in anyones mind that’s a pretty big undertaking.  But I agreed…we could do it.  (one of her coworkers who was on the same divorce plan (( fuck the husbands over, take EVERYTHING…….. then get a divorce)) had just gotten her husband to build them a new bigger house). 

So we started.  Every night ……after work looking at houses.  The conversations were all day and all night.  What school was best?  Which neighborhood did we like? Which part of town?  How much could we spend?  How much can be borrow?  How was the traffic?  How was the commute to work?  Who were we living close to? Was it a safe place?  The questions and brain power and running around was exhausting…..i was so excited to be moving ahead with such good family plans.

Finally after a month or so we picked a place.  It was big.  It was expensive.  We made the offer and waited….and waited…..they accepted it and I was so excited!

I went to the bank and got the loan…..  which is nerve wracking enough.  All those papers and the waiting.  Pretty scary to sign all that ya know???

We had to clean our house so buyers could come though…that was nerve wracking….having to leave the house so people could come look……  We were moving in thirty days!  It was exciting…we just needed to sell the house and….

One day….we got the offer….it was the right amount. This was it!  Its going to happen! WOW!

All that was left was to sign the papers selling our house…… that was all that was left to do….nothing else…just my signature….

The night before I was to go sign…..my wife walks in and casually says

“I don’t think we should move”

She said it a totally normal voice like she was telling you that its raining outside.

I said …….“What?”

She responded” Yeah …I like it here” 

“are you serious?????  You CANT be serious?”

She didn’t even look me in the face…..just kept on walking.

“you mean to tell me………..that I have spent the last two months looking at houses…..every night…..finally made an offer on the one YOU picked out…..went to the bank and applied for a loan…got the loan….signed  a contract on the house…put our house up for sale….found a buyer…… and the night before your telling me you DONTwant to move????  

THIS WAS YOUR IDEA!!!!!!!!!!! “

All I could do was stand there and say it again…..

“ARE YOU…….FUCKING KIDDING ME????  …..FUCKING KIDDING ME?????   THIS WAS YOUR IDEA!!!!!!!”

I never even got an answer…she just kept on doing whatever….. picking up clothes or something.  It was insane.  Who would do something so idiotic???  So over the top stupid???

After we divorced it occurred to me what had happened.  Remember her friend who got the husband to build the big house then divorce him?  Guess what???  I was on the same plan!  Except….my exwife  realized after we started that SHE was the one who would be responsible for the house payment after we divorced.  Interestingly enough…her friend LOST the house after her plan backfired . she kicked the husband out a few months after they got the house …..but she couldn’t afford it.

People say I am bitter but that’s not true.  I just think my exwifes a moron.  I was glad to get divorced.  I had been used …completely….. every day. 

Hehehe I would like to offer a story of my own stupidity.  I can only laugh because admittedly so….i  miss the mark sometimes ….wide.

Went to a friends house in 1985.  The guy was a genius….Really.  He could do a rubics cube behind his back in under a minute.   He was working with two computers….had the covers off….parts lying around….. (remember this was before the internet or ANY kind of network)…….  I asked “what are you doing?”  he said “Im trying to get these two computers to talk to each other”.

My response??  “why would you want to do that?”  Big smile.  Boy was I dumb…….i was thinking “that’s a waste of time…who cares?”  Hahahahaha Uh…….. it’s the internet stoopid.

Two years later ( still no internet yet ) I went to a house he OWNED at 23 years old.  I walked in one room…and there ……..was a computer on the floor…no furniture…nothing.  Numbers just …….jumping on the screen.  I asked “whats that computer doing?” 

He answered.  “automatically buying and selling stock for me.” 

He retired at 43. 

All I can say is………..awesome. 

The end to all that rambling was really to set the record straight.  My exwife was a miserable partner.  …a master of deception an accomplished liar….an empty person…..  except she was full of shit.  Im sorry Jordan and Jennings….Lesson learned.  The love train rolls on. OH And Ive lost 30 lbs of football weight and the six pack....is back.

The memory rewind, No more crosses, and the content goodbye

 Every word of this is true and if anyone says otherwise they are a liar.  Big smile…….  Things are well…. Remember this is all in the past…….a rewind of memories.  The world for me now is a much better place.  I have been through a lot.. and that’s ok… I smile as I type…happy ….content…..anxious for each day……truly.

Now I WILL take credit here. 

I will miss all of you…..and

Im ………not coming back

ever

No Im not joking indeed.  You see this is also the last blog entry.  In time I may take up another cross.  But for now …..Life is good…

Where was i?

Oh yeah…..My daughter had turned 18 and I was looking forward to it because I knew my child support would drop….and I could help Jen directly.  Wrong…..Mary contacted child support services to keep taking out more money.  I was devastated….again…… no discussion……no fact checking….just hand us more money because we said so.  Wait….thats not exactly true.  They didn’t ask for it….they just took it from my paycheck…however much they wanted…or guestimated …or felt like….just put a big number number down....he doesnt have a choice..  

The fuck Trey department was not only putting in overtime with pleasure….it had healthy budget increases.

I called child support services and said….”uh my daughters 18….. child support stops for her. 

“that’s not what it says here sir”

Uh yeah… it does……how can that be??.....shes 18

“that’s not what it says here sir”

Maybe your not understanding…..you see …my daughters 18 years old.

“that’s not what it says here sir”

I don’t understand

“that’s not what it says here sir”

Why do you keep saying that?  Maam ..look at a calendar….  My daughters birthday is April 2^nd ..this is July.

“that’s not what it says here sir”

Im starting to recognize a pattern here….god doesn’t like me. 

That’s ok …I don’t think much of him either.

Jordan was very close to me...I miss him terribly.   We had talked all the time and i mean all the time about what he wanted when it was his decision to decide where to live, we discussed every part of it …..all the time. Was he sure he wanted to come live with me ??? it would hurt his mom. It would be a big change for him. His mom could come and see him anytime she wanted and anytime he wanted to see her I would take him.  This was the biggest decision of his life and we discussed it many many many many times.  He never wavered he always said as soon as I can I want to come live with you dad.  Six months before that was to happen….out of the blue…. he changed his mind. For the first 11 years and 6 months of his life he was coming to be with me without question…….and then…he ………

changed his mind.

Im not sure…..but I think

I’ve had enough

Give me a minute here

No …..im sure of it.

Ive had enough

I had told him to be careful…that she will bribe him into staying. Of course she had and …it all worked……New dog….new toys…….i even warned him and we spoke about it often……he said don’t worry Im not going to change my mind.  I had spent every day for the last 10 years waiting for this moment. At the same time the attorney I hired to help me with this decided that I should be paying more in child support.   I was paying more in child support than any man I have ever personally met.  It was insane.  No one paid as much as I had to…at least anyone I ever met.  The amount of money I was making was just over half as much money as I was before but the attorneys decided that I should be paying more. It was INSANE….I knew guys who were barely paying anything…50 bucks a month …which is too low…...not that I think that’s fair either.  I realize kids cost money…and worth it too.  But when you  cant even afford to go get your kids for important occasions like birthdays and Christmas….or even buy them presents……  uh….somethings got to change.  It was absurd…..and unbelievably hard for them….and for me.  Everyone i approached to help me save my family did the exact opposite. I could have killed them all.

Correction…..Ive had more than enough

I think I’ll just……find someone overseas and …….settle down. Hehehe that’s a whole other story…but it deserves some mention here….yeah….i almost got married…… but was saved at the last minute ….hehehe because ……you guessed it….she was cheating!  (its funny she had the BALLS  to tell all her friends I was cheating….to hide the truth….made up completely out of thin air) LOL its ok…..whew….saved this time!!!!!!…. my heart lives for another day……Big smile.

SIDEBAR: i need to clarify things here i think...no she wasnt my soulmate..or a once in a lifetime catch...it was a connection..and i gave her the opportunity to step up and demonstrate she merited  my heart.......she failed....quickly....so i recovered .....fast..no loss......she was just....a  piece of shit.....in disguise

back to the world
.

Every attempt I made to get closer to my Jen was met with resistance and every chance that I had to try to get close to her she fought.  Everyone would always say you can’t give up.  I would tell them you don’t understand …..there’s nothing to give up on. Jordan was the last straw …..There was no more pain that I could handle and no more that I was willing to endure.  All that I wanted to share and to help raise my kids was……. beyond gone.  I remember dropping to the ground in the driveway sobbing to my daughter the day I moved out (her mother was smiling in the window…she had keyed my car the night before.) telling her that things will never be the same….and that I never wanted any of this….and the tears were for her…for what she would miss.…  I know we both wanted things to be different. 

Im not bitter… just incredibly sad.  

I still feel good about who I am even though nothing with my kids turned out as it should have…there are still many things still left to do and hopefully one day I can share a relationship with them that helps them heal.

Neither of us got what we deserved…and all of us deserved better.  I got nothing and my kids got my wife…. Whose greatest accomplishments were cooking broccoli and washing clothes …and she was a a pretty good liar...….  Good luck with that when things get tough and you need emotional support and good advice, or  help in calculus class…..but take heart because she certainly is an expert at ……well….. I think I mentioned the broccoli.

 I think we both got cheated.  I predict they will have a hard life ahead.  Of course my exwife will blame it on me…..hell I’m not even there …how can it be MY fault???  She’s the one with no parenting skills!!! 

There are many other stories of note….love…..relationships, friendships…but perhaps another time.  This process was more to set the record straight….before I get too old and forget things both good and bad.    Not everything goes as planned.  Ive had a good life and even though unlucky at times I want my kids to understand where they came from….and to know that they will always be missed. 

I want them to know that I love them…more than they will ever know….that never changed …..and that will NEVER change of course even though we are not together.  Im sorry that door is closed for us right now.  I do not know when it will be open again.  But one day it will.  I promise.  That day WILL come and it will take a lot of courage and forgiveness to get us there.  I know you have much to tell me about how hard things have been, how angry and sad and upsetting all of this has been.  Please know that I never expected things to happen the way they did……...that is a tough lesson …one that’s not easily overcome.

… so I want you to know that I am waiting for that day.  When you are ready to find me.   I am proud of you both so very much!!!  So be strong and help each other until then.

Life hands people many hard times….

Disappointments……

Pain of separation from people you love….

Not much compares with losing your house, all your money, your best friend, then your soulmate and then.....your kids.

I have lost many things precious but there are people much worse off than me…..so I wish all of you good fortune and happiness…. I may not have been the luckiest …..but waiting for the love train…I am still….A happy man….

I wake up with good thoughts about what might happen today..…and tomorrow.  I smile when I think about what might be ahead.  Every day important…. antiaircraft fire at night kind of has that affect.

No Im not joking

Bring it…..paki suyo kunin mo isang magandang araw bago. 

POSTSCRIPT: Sa blog nang tapos na.  pwede Pahinga ako mahaba panahon…….paalam mga mahal.  Sinosuerte parin tayo…..malaki ngiti kasama sama

.
POSTSCRIPT DEUX:  This is my last will and testament.  My daughter and my son should split my assets equally as coexecuters

The bike built for two, a farewell to lotus, and the coming of….. Buppey man!!!!

Every word of this is true and if anyone says otherwise they are a liar.  I have to back up a minute….hehe…so this posting is not in the right place…in time… so I have to digress because in my old age I accidently skipped some stuff…..patawarin mo ko.  Bear with me…hehehe I know it sounds like a broken record….but the hits just keepa comin! Now I cant take credit here.

Sweat beginning to pour down

My neck as I turn around

Just get off this outing

A farewell Swan song

See you know how turbulence can be

One more red nightmare indeed. I had to trade in everything to pay off her credit cards. I was in shock…..there goes retirement.  This had to stop …..I took control of the bills and dug us out.  It took all of my investments…my retirement money, life insurance policies for the kids….all of it ..gone.  I let her have control of the money back because she threw a fit…..and within a year…. she had done it again…. We were deep in debt.

I had a confused look on my face when I approached her ……asking slowly. 

Do

You

Not

Realize

You

Are

Ruining

Your

Childrens

Future?

As usual she just blew the question off…..either A….. that was part of her plan.  Or B …she was incredibly stupid.

Or C….how bout both

The plan???? Spend more than everything because I would be responsible for her debt…after we divorced.  That plan was very thorough….and sadly a success.   She would “hang in there” for the required ten years that would allow her to collect my social security.  And she did…..the divorce came three months after being married for ten years….  Pure evil.

I had to sell the lotus to pay off her credit cards ….again…. I didn’t even have a credit card…and she would say every week “it’s almost paid off, it’s almost paid off”  I would see the statements and it was a lie…Plain and simple.

It got worse

every month.   

The lotus was an investment for my daughter’s college.  But I had to sell it to pay her debt.  I also had to withdraw all of Jennings college fund to pay her cards off….again.

Jens college money…..all of it…... Gone.   Thanks Mary.

Enough of that.  Music was still great refuge for me.  I had written over 100 songs and even recorded an album…I was very proud of that.  My son I think understands…hehehe at least I hope he does!

I remember feeling so good by wanting to surprise my wife and bought a bicycle built for two with a baby seat and a baby trailer for valentine’s day…it was romantic!  ..so all four of us could spend time together as a family.  My wife looked at it with disgust and said “why didn’t you just buy two bikes?? “ What a buzz kill. On a good day a rock was better romantic company.  She rode it only once.

So I took a job where I had to drive 3 hours roundtrip every day but i would be home at night.  It didnt help... My daughter was growing apart from me and i discovered why my wife was cold.... She was having an affair.  I was crushed....I went from shock to numb.   I demanded She seek counseling for her brothers sexual abuse because I wanted her to heal….because I wanted her to cope with her past…..just like a good partner should..I said we would do it together…..  I would support her….that didn’t help either….turned out the social worker we got to help her …hatched a plan to help her instead get me into counseling so he could make up what she wanted and show the court that I was unfit…he would just ….make it up…. And then of course bill me. While I was trying to help her…she was trying to find new and improved ways of screwing me over. 

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing….they were going to set out to do it together....all behind my back…... the pure evil of it all . It was worse than a bad dream……it was reality.  He called himself “santa clause”  because he was going to deliver what she wanted ….my kids.  Mind you this is the guy I hired to help my wife through being abused. 

And then we entered marriage counseling…. we took some tests and i will never forget the results.  The psychologist explained them.. The results?? I knew who I was …..I knew who she was..... She didn’t know who I was and…. she didn’t know who she was. 

I wasn’t surprised in the least. 

When I told the counselor what my wife was doing raising Jen …..she said…. quote “you need parenting lessons Mrs. Logan”. I was a torn man; my wife was destroying our marriage and poisoning my daughter.  I cannot count the times I begged her to please change ….

And then ….Jordan came. My wife cried she had gotten pregnant because she said she ”didn’t want to have any more kids with me.”  Jordan though is a blessing.  He is truly a fantastic boy..  he’s my buppie man! ….make no mistake I still love my daughter….she just doesn’t know it.   One day I hope things will be different. But I will never forgive my ex-wife for being so cold as to cry when she got pregnant with my son.

Our accountant messed up our taxes and I had to come up with 10 thousand dollars to pay Uncle Sam money he didn’t deserve. So I took a night teaching job….. But Mary still spent everything and I had to get a loan to fix it. Again…..  heehe are you recognizing a pattern here??

My job was still hard…. driving 3 hours a day so I took an offer as a medical physicist in Roanoke. That way I could be home all the time and the owner said he would sell me the business in a year …….he lied.  So i took a job at Roanoke memorial but home life was proving to be more challenging every day. I had a wife who didn’t love me and was doing one hell of a good job sabotaging our marriage and a daughter who was unhappy at home as a result too.  I will say those times were very hard for all of us.  I was increasingly frustrated at my wife’s behavior and my daughter’s unhappiness.  And I will admit my own part in all that.  I was getting angrier and angrier because nothing I did would work…..vacations….. dinner out,  expensive gifts and toys, trying to be patient. I truly wanted to be dad and husband of the year…hehehehe  so I was always working harder and harder to do more…I thought that if I gave everything she would see …..I would still not break or give up trying.

The truth was….i worked on the relationship…

she worked on getting out of it. 

I remember I used to rush home every day and clean the house from top to bottom before she got home, to do my part and ……not once ……did she ever say thank you for helping.  Yet I always told her thank you for cooking or cleaning or for anything she did.  So I asked her….”doing all this work around the house doesn’t make a difference in our relationship does it?” Without hesitating she said “no”.  I stopped doing anything around the house immediately.  Ill never forget it. She was so used to walking in to a spotless house after work. I would rush home and literally run through the house doing as much as I could before she got home.

 The next day I touched nothing and the house was a disaster.  She walked in and I just stood there waiting for her reaction.  She looked around and then looked at me like she could just kill me.  That’s about the time she said, and I remember it word for word “ I wish you would hurry up and die like your dad should have done 10 years ago”. 

My wife was the one who told me not to let my own dad come around anymore.  He and I didn’t have a great relationship anyway …but I had to please her and so he wasn’t welcome anymore …to satisfy her.  I will always regret that.  

I have to say in full disclosure and truthfulness…that my spirit was breaking down.  I couldn’t smile anymore about what the future held for my family….and it showed. 

For my son: Listen to jeff becks song called led boots….  Jeff beck played with jimmy page before led zeppelin formed…..Also catch “take if off the top” by the Dixie dregs.  I miss you very much and hopefully we can talk soon!!!! 

For my daughter:  Your mom and dad love you.  I think about you all the time.  Im sorry you never got the dad you wanted.  But it was not my fault.  Am I pointing a finger at your mom.  You bet..our failed marriage was 99% her fault and I will be happy to admit my 1%.  Am I wrong about other things???  Yes I have made plenty of mistakes…..Saying “I’m sorry” has never really been hard for me to say.  And you deserve to hear that. Your daddy still loves you and I’m sorry.

One more red nightmare

Bring it……..bring the truth.  Im not looking for pity or sympathy. On the contrary Im glad my marriage was finally over.  It taught me a lot.  Hardship is a great teacher.  It made me get up……..stronger.  (man…. I miss football).  My heart is still open…..very much so….and yours should be too.

POSTSCRIPT: Does this paint my ex in a bad light????  Since every word of this is true…  I don’t care.  But I have been labeled as the bad father….and I want the record straight about who did what.  Do I have my mistakes??   You bet.  I have my regrets…but I also have my dreams and wishes…...big smile…..did I mention you have to work pretty hard to kill me?????.... the love train rolls on……..