whatcha ona bout girl??

whatcha ona bout girl??
A retrospective on the inner workings of love, flying pancakes, mensa disasters, dandelion cookies, number bending, super salt, bubblegum oysters, chicken spit, crystal kidneys, guerilla carrots, polychromatic tofu, paraphysics, tender vigilanties, black sand, phillastine placebos, wood soup, buttered shuttlecocks, apostrophe training, fish whips, bleeding speed, plastic fantastic lobster telephones, venus drug rehab, clowns on fire, kiosks on a leash, marshmello overcoats, bottled light, fried blood, unbridled hyperthyroidism, folding wine, amygdula tickling, fainting in coils, hamburgers for the apocalypse, plastic memes, and conjugal fritters.....well...the love parts true

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The orchard, the silver barrel, and barnyard love.....


Dude I am just NOT a runner. Oh I’ll run if a car….. or my exwife is chasing me…Nowadays it seems like you have to run everywhere…. Life as an adult seems to require it…..I know ….football requires running…. Im good with that….I love sports…I just have to have a good reason to run….. In in 8th grade I got one.
Jody and I would camp out in my backyard that summer. It was fun…flashlights, comic books, peanut butter crackers. Beyond my backyard was ……the apple orchard…….beyond that was……...the party. The sun was setting behind Tinker mountain when we stepped out of the tent and stared at the orchard. What WAS that sound???.....Dude what IS that????? Its…..its….the doobie brothers??????? In the ORCHARD????? ……..When it was almost dark we snuck out. The music got louder as we crossed barb wire fences and wandered through chest high weeds…..Now I cant take credit here.

Down around the corner
A half a mile from here
You can see them long trains run
And you watch them disappear
Without love

Finally we step out of the orchard into…….a sea of TALL people………ogodogodogodogod……..I admit fear on the threshold of freedom, and its clear my childhood will die………. tonight. The altar of manhood is a no turning back, one way ticket and the world of my boyhood is to be sacrificed here…….right now.
We wind through the packed crowd. Faces flicker in and out from the bonfires dancing flames. Some guy pumps a beer from this silver barrel and hands me a big plastic cup. He smiles, and I nod in genuine appreciation……my voice squeaks and I yell....THANKS DUDE!!!!!
Doobie brothers is right. The air is full of this unfamiliar smell and every sip of beer makes me frown and half gag. People LIKE this SHIT????? The band is playing on a flatbed trailer….. Butchering tunes so unbelievably loud you have to scream everything AND read lips!!!!!
An hour later Im sitting ON the silver barrel, pumping out golden fun for all the lovely L A D I E S….oh yeah dude….Im buzzin. Somebody grabs my hand and pulls me through the crowd. Suddenly Mitzi and I are dancing and kissing……..MITZI???? ……….MITZI????? She leads me to the barn and we start making out…the world is whirling now… everything is perfect……..until somebody spins me around…….its Jody…… TOOFA KAY IBBA POONA FOOBLE!!!!!!! Wha??? …..POONA FOOBLE!!!!! I look over his shoulder and see my mom’s car moving slowly through the crowd…….ogodogodogodogod….OGODOGODOGOD!!!!!! I stand up …..and immediately fall over. I stand up again and start to run …..….sideways….my arms outstretched like Frankenstein……..omanomanomanoman…..the earth shakes and the crowd bounces…. A complete blur….
The orchard is pitch black and when I look at the stars the world spins under me as I run …blindly through row after row of trees ….panting and full of panic.... I don’t get sick until I realize………...were lost……fan……tast…….ic…... I fall over in the weeds….and my head fills with puke…..
Time passes and I wake up in the tent ….my mom says “where have you been??” Jody and I both roll over and sleep till 10 in the morning.


Where would you be now
Without love

Bring it…....bring some goody powders and some coffee. As an adult I’m always running so I really love this memory…I still could probably use a good run….and a sleep in till 10!!!!!.........The apple orchard is no longer there…..but I still like my fun.

13 comments:

Kimberly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kimberly said...

Seriously, I laughed out loud. And would you look - I didn't even get lost. Things are looking up.

Diane said...

I had that 'mom's car' moment. Gulp. It was awful. She didn't find me then... but when I got home? Ugh. The only time I ever got grounded. Running would've done no good, though... I was too far from home.

Lestat de Lioncourt said...

Dude, you almost took me home with that, I'm tearing up.

f1trey said...

@ Kimberly- Cool! :) dirty rocker dude story!!!!!! hahaha I knew you wouldnt stay lost!

@ lady Di- oh theres a blog in that for you!!!! let have it!

@ Lestat- Its hard to top the soda coming out of my nose from you comment over at Kimberlys....i just fell out laughing!

Julie said...

Ahhahaha....love it.

S. Eutin said...

Aah, childhood, fun fun. How was the head feeling the next day?

f1trey said...

@ Julie- I knew you would!

@S- oh a good sleep and things were good.....i dont think i had enough that first time to actually have a hangover.... i guess when youre young you bounce back quick!! now Im old! hehehe

Dating is My Hobby said...

Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope things are well!

Barbarella said...

What are you going to do if the vote for a new name becomes a tie....?

P.S - love that new guitar pic

f1trey said...

hehehe..in the event of a tie......i guess ill ........blow a fuse! heheheh I giess ill just pick one!! I cant abelieve its actually a tie !

Kimberly said...

Um, email me...I have a question.

SkitzoLeezra said...

An orchard, huh? I love that story.