The orchard, the silver barrel, and barnyard love.....

Dude I am just NOT a runner. Oh I’ll run if a car….. or my exwife is chasing me…Nowadays it seems like you have to run everywhere…. Life as an adult seems to require it…..I know ….football requires running…. Im good with that….I love sports…I just have to have a good reason to run….. In in 8th grade I got one.
Jody and I would camp out in my backyard that summer. It was fun…flashlights, comic books, peanut butter crackers. Beyond my backyard was ……the apple orchard…….beyond that was……...the party. The sun was setting behind Tinker mountain when we stepped out of the tent and stared at the orchard. What WAS that sound???.....Dude what IS that????? Its…..its….the doobie brothers??????? In the ORCHARD????? ……..When it was almost dark we snuck out. The music got louder as we crossed barb wire fences and wandered through chest high weeds…..Now I cant take credit here.

Down around the corner
A half a mile from here
You can see them long trains run
And you watch them disappear
Without love

Finally we step out of the orchard into…….a sea of TALL people………ogodogodogodogod……..I admit fear on the threshold of freedom, and its clear my childhood will die………. tonight. The altar of manhood is a no turning back, one way ticket and the world of my boyhood is to be sacrificed here…….right now.
We wind through the packed crowd. Faces flicker in and out from the bonfires dancing flames. Some guy pumps a beer from this silver barrel and hands me a big plastic cup. He smiles, and I nod in genuine appreciation……my voice squeaks and I yell....THANKS DUDE!!!!!
Doobie brothers is right. The air is full of this unfamiliar smell and every sip of beer makes me frown and half gag. People LIKE this SHIT????? The band is playing on a flatbed trailer….. Butchering tunes so unbelievably loud you have to scream everything AND read lips!!!!!
An hour later Im sitting ON the silver barrel, pumping out golden fun for all the lovely L A D I E S….oh yeah dude….Im buzzin. Somebody grabs my hand and pulls me through the crowd. Suddenly Mitzi and I are dancing and kissing……..MITZI???? ……….MITZI????? She leads me to the barn and we start making out…the world is whirling now… everything is perfect……..until somebody spins me around…….its Jody…… TOOFA KAY IBBA POONA FOOBLE!!!!!!! Wha??? …..POONA FOOBLE!!!!! I look over his shoulder and see my mom’s car moving slowly through the crowd…….ogodogodogodogod….OGODOGODOGOD!!!!!! I stand up …..and immediately fall over. I stand up again and start to run …..….sideways….my arms outstretched like Frankenstein……..omanomanomanoman…..the earth shakes and the crowd bounces…. A complete blur….
The orchard is pitch black and when I look at the stars the world spins under me as I run …blindly through row after row of trees ….panting and full of panic.... I don’t get sick until I realize………...were lost……fan……tast…….ic…... I fall over in the weeds….and my head fills with puke…..
Time passes and I wake up in the tent ….my mom says “where have you been??” Jody and I both roll over and sleep till 10 in the morning.


Where would you be now
Without love

Bring it…....bring some goody powders and some coffee. As an adult I’m always running so I really love this memory…I still could probably use a good run….and a sleep in till 10!!!!!.........The apple orchard is no longer there…..but I still like my fun.

Trees, the affair, and myopea of the heart

Yeeah dude….I missed it…..totally. I just did NOT see it. Oh I saw the forest for sure….just missed those damn tress….its the trees stupid….yeah I got it……I GOT IT……..now….
My buddy Leo missed it too…...so did Evan. I hadn’t seen Leo in a while so it was good to catch up. He had the family van and I had the cheap beer. So we’re riding around the old back roads of high school, belting out classics and swapping stories that spark memory and uncontrolled laughter that brings tears…..and then I ask…..”Hows Robin?” ….she’s fine …she’s listening to country music lately though……..now I cant take credit here.

Or did I miss again
I think I missed again oh

“Shes cheating on you”…..WHAT?...no shes not …I let it go……the call came exactly one week later. “WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW SOMETHING!! HOW DID YOU KNOW?? …Leo what ARE you talking about?? “SHE MOVED IN WITH SOME GUY!!
Evan REALLY missed it. He and the wife went to a marriage counselor who asked him what he wanted. He gave his 20 minute story about things, honestly and constructively and then the councelor asked his wife who said “I want Evan…..to LEAVE ME ……..THE HELL ALONE!!!!! His wife apparently had a thing for the neighbor’s wife. Fun Fun.
Me? I missed it too. The details aren’t important but lets just say when I got back from counseling church camp for a week with my daughter I found out she was on her second affair.

Im waiting in line
Would you say if I was wasting my time?

Fall is starting and….. I can …...FEEL it. The forest dies but the trees…..BEAUTIFUL…..bright and colorful in the light breeze. It makes you stop and stare.

Bring it…….bring some vision. Do I miss the forest??......No…...The trees more than make up for it. Some people want the forest to be around forever…even when theyre not happy anymore. When you ask them how the forest is……they say the forest is ok……its fine…..I’m alright…….Im surviving….I’ll pretend the forest is ok …for the kids…..
I couldnt stop the fall from coming…and that’s ok…turns out it was worth the wait. I LOVE the fall….you just have to remember when it comes……to get back up.

Torturetown, the goalie, and a chair is still a chair

Oh dude…..the neighbors up the street were HARD to associate with….I’m pretty sure they wanted it that way. Im telling you……this bunch put the dysfunctional in dysfunctional family. So uptight, never outside, no emotion….they had a daughter; she went to an all girl’s school and met a few girlfriends there. So…….I was out of the picture as far as a love interest goes. But the parents……they didn’t even like each other!!!!!!….it must have been miserable to live in torturetown like that….The house was lifeless and quiet and so was their marriage. Now I can’t take credit here.

A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
When there's no one there

Yeah dude….its depressing….I think a lot of married couples struggle. Yeah…. Im a soooper genius. I see a lot of people unhappy in their singleness, pining for someone to complete themselves. Agonizing over lost love….whats the goal here??? Do you want to be married….or happy?? Do you want a successful relationship or a failed marriage???
Well???........
I think women have a lot more to lose than men when a marriage fails because they have usually invested more time in the fantasy of marriage rather than the reality of a relationship. HEAR ME…..when girls are playing house and dolls …guys are throwing rocks at trees…….You want to be a good mom….we want to be good at throwing rocks at trees. You want to raise a family…we want to be good at throwing rocks at trees. Its even clear that the marriage ceremony is the woman’s day….a mans responsibility is……show up and don’t be drunk. Doesn’t that tell you something? It speaks to ME!!! You can put the relationship in the toilet…suffer abuse…..sometimes even cheating…but as long as you stay MARRIED….I hear women speak of marriage as “the goal” … If that’s your goal then I might as well be a goalie. The goal is a healthy happy relationship. A mans measure is whether he is marriage material?????? No wonder girls are pissed off……look at the guy sitting next to you…….has he spent his life preparing to be a husband and father???? An unhappy marriage might as well be a prison of failure. Parole is sounding PRETTY good……

When I climb the stairs and turn the key
Oh, please be there, sayin' that you're still in love with me,

I admit it…guys want to be good at throwing rocks…no where in the rock throwing manual does it say DON’T yell and write down all your checks.
Bring it…..…bring the right priorities. Happy people make happy relationships (and marriages). Guys are sorrowfully lacking in understanding what it means to be a good husband and lover. Being dark, mysterious and a bad boy doesn’t make me an ideal catch but Im lucky….its taken me a long time to get that a woman needs to feel safe and secure. Im willing to bet that women can be just as unprepared for the hardship of marriage too because the fantasy comes first while the reality of communication, compromise and marital strife gets swept under the carpet.
Hand me some rocks will ya??

Shoneys, a silver lining, and the big ugly

Oh dude…..I was disappointed……yeah…..but hey…being disappointed at the beach beats being disappointed at home!!! My dad gave me only 1 piece of decent advice EVER. “Son go to the beach and wait tables for the summer”…..Im like…… Dad…...Im not gay…….Two days later Im surfing the strand looking for work….yeah dude…..this is THE life…..After a 2 day spree I was lucky enough to be qualified for …..…Shoneys……Oh …shit……Shoneys??? Shoneys….. Shoneys????........yeah dude…....Shoneys….I was….disappointed…..my friends were killin over at the seafood places….200 bucks a nite!!! Are you kidding me??? Im in the seafood capital of the east coast serving all American burgers…….”yes sir your total is $15.75”…..lessee……10 percent is …..about…….a …..buck fitty………fan…..tastic. That should pay for ONE beer after work…..Now I can’t take credit here.

Please don’t ask me
How I feel
I feel fine

This picture was me….. benching my max at “the big ugly” strongman competition last weekend. Yeah dude…….that’l be cool….a picture of me benching big weight………she……..missed it…FRIG!!!!!!….. I was……..disappointed. I was dating this girl at the beach and I thought things were fine. I was talking to her on the phone one day and I kept hearing things in the background. She’d be gone for a minute then back…….then gone…….”what IS going on???” ….”my ex boyfriend is over here” …..really? …….processing….processing……did you JUST say……..”my ex boyfriend is over here”…….Huh…….I looked at the phone….blink…blink………h….oooookaaaay….I listened to the dialtone for a minute…there on the sidewalk……at a pay phone….I hung the phone up and gathered up my unused quarters…...
It all turned out ok….I got a few more jobs to make up the difference so the money started flowing a bit better…….I was in paradise….volleyball…. sleeping till noon and tanning every day with friends…..and after work……..thumping music on the strip and moonlit walks with corona…….oh yeah dude…..a silver lining worth gold……

Oh I can remember when
It was easy to say I love you
But things have changes since then
Now I really can’t say if I still do

Bring it……… bring your disappointment. People WILL let you down…..They have in the past….you can bet they will do it in the future……. But I like to work on me….not them. I run into people who are having a hard time finding love. They seem occupied with what a dream partner is……or what they’re partners ARENT doing. Or why things aren’t right…..or why no one measures up. Dude……..There will be other competitions…….there will be more love. But I would rather work on my own happiness. Love is something that’s MADE….. you don’t wait for it to show up….so be ready….. you want fries with that????

Playboy, curves, and the new math

Ok……so…… math didn’t come easy at first….but it’s not my fault!!! Well……maybe it is. Dude…I had Miss LineBerry for math in seventh grade. Miss LineBerry was like …THE….most well endowed woman in three counties….The first day of class I looked over at a buddy of mine and I could see the fear in his eyes. I know he saw desperation in mine. How could you possibly expect us to focus on Math?? Math???? Oh dude…this is NOT going to be good for anybody. Oh sure the girls in the class will do fine. I was never late for class…I just ..….couldnt…… pay attention. Next year I had Mrs. Kiker……All 87 pounds of her. Whew…… Now I cant take credit here.

The student bodys got a bad reputation.
What they need is adult education

That’s a hard time for a boy. All your girl friends to that point had just been stick figures and all of the sudden…..we got curves…hey…..we got motion…HEY….4 dimensional motion!!!! HEY GLYNN!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT???? WHO WAS THAT????THAT’S TERESA?????NO WAY!!! Another pained look settled in….Till that point the sears catalog bra section was the only temptation around. Well…that’s not completely true……
I looked at the on ramp to the interstate and down I went. Trust me ……..peddling fast on the interstate doesn’t make you look any less out of place. I had to go just one exit to get to that little store that sold playboy magazines. Just 1 exit……….1………..exit………..45 minutes later…….. Im there. Safe. I park the bike and go in. It ONLY took about another 45 minutes to get my nerve up. So Im picking up candy bars…Im picking up bubblegum cards…..Im walking around…..finally the store is empty and I grab one and hustle to the counter. OH MY GOD SOMEBODY JUST WALKED IN!!!!!!......omanomanomanoman……put it in the bag! PUT IT IN THE BAG!!!....I dash out of the store….the last minute of my life a black tornado swimming under water.
I peddle home. My dad finds it hidden in my comic books about two weeks later…….busted……lesson learned….

But you want a little night school.
Maybe some of it will rub off on you.

Bring it……bring what youve learned…….Being hot for teacher is one thing….but playing with fire isnt the best idea. I do my best to learn from my past. Girls always say guys think with their $%*^&$.......well……it got me through high school. I think all the girls wanted to be in Mr Harmons class anyway. I just don’t understand why………

Heroin, wonder woman, and oceans11

OK…..I’m coming clean…..I admit it….I had….I mean have….…a heroin addiction. I do!!! Really!!!!....Im a BAAAADD man! …..I just love those female superheroes. Wonder woman has got it goin ON!!!! Oh yeah Dude…….wait a minute…..No I mean heroin …like the drug….yeah….thats it….since 5th grade!!! You’re not buying this ……..are you?
Ok…..well…..then Im a gambler…big one too.…that’s my habit…..Heck yeah I play the lottery…dude…..…I am THE scratch off king.
Last Saturday I went to the dog track and hit the casino. Alone of course. …..I have never been to a casino before and I’m saving a trip to Vegas for my next girlfriend……I get all giddy walking in….this is SOOO COOL……..yeah dude….I’m like…..Danny Ocean……6.5 …..or something….well…..without the looks…….and the money….I got fifty bucks burnin in my pocket. I walk around in amazement for like…..30 minutes and nurse a beer from the bar……..well…...there goes 5 bucks. I stroll over to a security guard and ask him where to get change. He says at the cashier they can break hundreds and thousand dollar bills and generously points for me. I blink twice. Thanks I said. I walk up to a machine and realize people are feeding 20 dollar bills in…….I pull out a crisp one dollar bill……and pull the handle……again and again and again……I got nothing but assorted fruits…..thirty seconds later I’m whipping out the money to show this machine who’s boss cuz…I am NOT a quitter. Im instantly addicted. comeoncomeoncomeon…..Eventually I come out ahead and cash in about 15 bucks…..more beer here…I’m afraid to order a mixed drink and end up not having enough gas money to get home. Now I cant take credit here.

Something happens and Im head over heels
I never find out till Im head over heels

I can’t STAND to hear people say their playing the game of love when they’re not. They’re not in the game AT all. DON’T tell me your playin….I can tell when you’re bluffing!! Dude…you got NO hand…..NO chips……what ARE you doing? Ive seen oceans 11…It’s a LOVE story …..Its not a b o u t the money

Don’t take my heart don’t break my heart
Don’t don’t throw it away

I pass the high rollers room in flip flops and head to the track. Program in one hand a beer in the other. The dogs file out one by one and I study them like I know what I’m doing….the program is conveniently written in greek….. so I have to go with my gut…….Dude…… I win the first three races….enough to pay for everything that nite. Cool dude……I might lose some but I wont win if I don’t play.
Holding your cards close to your chest? Poker face? Waitin on the perfect man?..… I mean hand? Only bet on a SURE thing? Hes got to be at least 5’10??
Dude….Driving a car is a gamble. Swimming is a gamble….. are you telling me your going to sit out on the ONE thing that makes life wonderful??……One thing I DO know……You gotta pay to play. Love is a gamble. Its trust. Its submission. Its loss of control. If youre in control your NOT in love. My bet is on wonder woman.
You gonna bet or what???

The kiss, the test and a bridge to nowhere

We would try and meet on the bridge and stay……as long as we could. I can see the outline of her long hair in the dim moonlight and the touch of her lips makes me feel strong and whole far beyond any other mortal 13 year old boy. My hands hold her still, but she is so content and her submission makes her weak with need. I can see it…….feel it….from her eyes….she says nothing…..We kiss in silence…..slowly……we part…….letting go only from fingertips…each waiting for the other to break perfection. I walk back to the cabin until she is too far to hear and then break into a smiling run. Summer camp love lasts but a week. So theres like……NO time to argue about how much you spent on your hair. No meltdown about how much I wrote that check for. No grilling about why you’re making us late…….again. No reason to give me that look over my dirty shoes sitting at the door. No raising my voice over why I ALWAYS have to initiate sex……AND be on top. It’s about the love stupid. Now I cant take credit here.

Sometimes I feel like don’t have a partner
sometimes I feel like my only friend

By day the bridge is….well…..a bridge. 50 screaming kids trample it like a pack of wild animals from the pool to the dining hall. And yeah dude….. my initials are there too….At night its…...well..…a sacred place built for 2.
Now if I had met my ex wife on that bridge ……….I would have thrown her off it. No bridge would have ever been good enough for us to connect. Im not joking……this is a typical conversation.
Her can we get it in black?
Me black is fine.
Her why do you want it in black?
Me you said you wanted it in black…..
Her I never said black.
Me You just said “can we get it in black?”
Her no I didn’t… I said white. You always say black. I never said black
Me what?
Her I want it in black
Me I thought you said you never wanted black
Her No you wanted it in white you just said white
Me No I didnt
Her I don’t want it in black
Me what color do you want?
Her You just said black and I said I wanted in it white.
Me what color do you want?
Her white

Im not joking. Its very hard for me to think randomly like that….to NOT make ANY sense is hard. After a few years I did a test. I had to practice out loud for days but I had pretend conversations where I tried to be serious and stay focused enough to just not make sense. At first I could get a few statements out and then I would mess up and make sense. After a week I was ready. It was hard not to blow it but it was priceless. It took her about two minutes into the conversation to get that something wasn’t quite right. I kept a straight face and never let on. She kept on with it. Both of us not making ANY sense. I finally ended the conversation and went outside to laugh my ass off. she never got it.

I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way

Bring it……bring your sanity cause I have already not been what she told me it was…and I guarantee that this wont be the next time it doesn’t happen …...k?

a scar, a drink, and a loser of hide and seek

I kid you not………getting invited to play over at Johnnys house was……..a treat. Yeah dude… a POOL…A REAL POOL….and the TOYS!!!!! THE DOGS!!! Can I go mom?canI?canI? And regardless of how hard I tried to not embarrass myself…something bad ALWAYS happened. I burned my leg so bad on his motorcycle that I begged to go to the doctor. I nearly got electrocuted when I stuck something in a wall socket. I still have this scar over my eye from running into a door knob playing hide and seek…….yeah dude…I said hide and seek........It took 5 people to hold me down for the stitches and it’s a wonder they let their son befriend such a walking problem.
I make enough mistakes for all of us and I m sure I would have fewer scars if I had chosen some things differently. But I’m fairly sure I can’t change the past. So it doesn’t matter whether someone poured my glass half empty because it’s also half full.
I dated this girl in college and it didn’t last very long. I never got close to her. She was……..unavailable. Her scars were more serious and deeper than any I had. Half empty? Half full? I wasn’t even close. This girl had never seen a glass. We never got to a point where she could tell me a how or a why. Now I can’t take credit here.

Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
Your making me insane

I wanted to help but I suppose I was afraid to push the issue. I might have been afraid of what was behind those sad, trapped eyes. Men are fixers. I like to fix things. I couldn’t fix this and plastic surgery wasn’t going to help either. In the end I just walked away and that was sad because she was a sweet girl and all she wanted was to be loved. I should have tried to pour her a drink. But I didn’t.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much and
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Bring it…..Bring your scars. You don’t have a choice really. Do you? The best relationships I can remember were those where you confessed who you were without fear of rejection. When you’re young you don’t always get to decide what you get to drink or if your glass is half empty or full. Someone else pours it for you. When Im thirsty I don’t really care if the glass is half full or half empty Im just glad to have something to drink. Besides… I hear chicks dig scars……….cheers.

Fireworks, the dreamweaver and a trip to Hayrock

Hayrock is THE place. It looms large and demands a boy get man nerves if he braves to climb it. When I was 7 or 8 this became my rocket ship. My Spanish galleon. My Lunar hideaway. Of course to reach this heaven you have to get up early, climb a fence posted “NO TRESSPASSING ”, run through that old mans cornfield in high gear, cross the river and THEN ……....climb the mountain. A mans all day challenge. A rite of passage. This no small feat requires essentials like poptarts, peanut butter crackers, sodas for the trek and of course a can of spray paint to immortalize the trip with your initials. Yeah dude…..Im going to come here when Im OLD…...like..45…..…I swear.
The crew is important…….you cant just…..like….stop and turn around…..The Argabright boys are perfect. Literally. All three impress like they really could be presidents …or better…..one day. Their younger sister is already gorgeous and no doubt a danger when she gets older but this quest was not meant for beauties. Now I cant take credit here.

Fly me high through the starry skies
Maybe to an astral plane
Cross the highways of fantasy
Help me to forget today's pain

Covered in sweat…….. we make it. The afternoon is perfect. We take turns passing around the spray paint and mark the rock as our own. We climb up and down and up. The sodas are warm and crackers are gone. But the view at the top ….makes……...you…..….speechless……………….Everything was fine…..until we started setting off the fireworks. From the top of the rock they go……like ..…into orbit. Cool…….the matches pop when you strike them, the fuse hisses like a snake and then…….”HEY WHATS THAT???????” “WHAT?” ………”THAT!!!!!!” I look down the mountain and theres smoke. ………….. “FIIIIIIUUUURRRE!!!!!” ogodogodogodogod…….were running, falling, sliding down the mountain through leaves and dirt. I strip my shirt off and beat the flames and stamp my feet scared out of my mind. Ogodogodogod…….omanomanoman……..finally ……..its out. We never told a soul.
Last year I tried to find them all. The oldest had a brain tumor. The middle one had some rare disease and I find no trace of the youngest or their sister.
Bring it...... Bring it today. It might not be here tomorrow.

Though the dawn may be coming soon
There still may be some time
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon
And meet me on the other side

My son put his initials up last year. Mine are still there….and the Argabrights too.

A pimped out bike, reality and the paper route

In fifth grade I got a paper route. The green bike would NOT do……. Yeah dude a 10 speed……rockin….turn signals… a little radio….flags…..Im pimpin for sure……chicks will DIG me now. Wait till Becky sees me. …..Employed…..me and my BAD ride……its lookin good……Now I cant take credit here.

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want

Where I liked to ride was by Beckys house. However in the cold or in the rain …the bike failed to impress. In fact it made ME downright miserable. I wasn’t EVEN showing up on her radar. The whole …….8 seconds I peddled by her house. But everyday??? Come ON dude!!!! She NEVER goes outside????? So I delivered my papers…… and delivered……and delivered….
One time my chain came off and it was NOT going back on……I had grease ALL over me and it was getting dark…… no amount of bubble gum was worth this!!!! FRIG!! Somebody gave me a kitten once and I put her in my paperbag while I did my route. I got home and the neighbors dog ate her. Yeah………the paper route definitely had its drawbacks.
My uncle Steve came down one year and DROVE me around on the hood of his car….I’d lay on the windshield and he would hand me a paper and I’d heave it going 30 miles an hour……good times…On a sunny day though it was tough to beat. Birds overhead with big, tall clouds…..cicadas everywhere…… my legs and arms bronze from the sun…..and when I got to the gas station for a break……anything I wanted. A boys dream come true.
Bring it…….. Better bring reality.

But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

The truth is……I never had a chance with Becky. I was not from her side of the tracks. Her dads collar was different than mine and I was the paper boy. A bigger bike was not going to turn her head……when youre young you have a lot of dreams. Some I put down to the privilege of youth and that’s ok. Others may not survive when you wake up……or grow up…..I mean…they are dreams after all. Some people like that world. The one where ANYTHING is possible. Im not built like that. The here and now is worth more to me than ANY false hope. Besides….. I cant wait to get old enough to be a lifeguard…..Now THAT’S a job she’ll respect!!!

Candy, the Graduate, and the two headed monster

When I get it right Im on fire. When I get it wrong…..…lets just say its in no way partial. I love the line in The graduate where Dustin Hoffman’s dad says “ Ben this whole idea sounds pretty half baked to me” and Dustin says “Oh no sir…...its completely baked”. How can you not like a couga movie? I can’t take credit here.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp

Kinda grim but….. Ben turns out alright. When I was maybe 2 my folks took me trick or treating. We picked up my grandmom along the way. While in the car I was apparently given instruction on what to do when I got to the door. Im told I made a good rabbit. They let me out. I go ring the doorbell and when the door opens I go in and shut the door. My grandmom laughed so hard she peed all over herself and we had to go home after that. Some memories are better when forgotten. When I was 6 or 7 my mom talked me into…..ready??...... a deck of cards…..she took a cardboard box and covered it in white paper and drew a joker on the front. I was told this was a good idea.
Its fall and that means dew on the ground. I am the most successful deck of cards …EVER. I have raced through many neighborhoods with this box on….(are you getting the visuals??) …and filled my paper bag with a precious hoard of blessings like zagnuts and gum. Bounty??...... All mine. Problem is……paper bags and dew do not mix.
So Im almost home at the top of the hill and the bag feels light. I look at the hole in the bottom of the bag and turn slowly to see the street full of kids scrambling to pick up my evenings work. Every last piece. I scream and go flying down the hill. A deck of cards…. running……..Its all gone.
In 6th grade my girlfriend and I decided to be a two headed monster. We cut some holes and put a blanket over our heads. I was the left arm and she was the right. We did up our faces crazy. She did mine and I did hers. Perfect innocense……Two best friends…... a bond…..literally joined at the hip. The night was perfect and we laughed as we struggled to navigate with my leg tied to hers in the dark.
Bring it………bring your innocense. When your young its more fun to get candy. The older I get I rather enjoy giving it too.

Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.

Trick or treat?

The party, a sweetheart, and the coachman inn

Oh man my high school sweetheart did a number on me. Its all good …...now. But back in the day?…..I don’t EVEN want to talk about it. You know that one that breaks up right before college starts?? Dude I was a disaster. People I DON’T know are grabbing my arm and asking “are you ok?”
OK so now what?
PARTY….. Plain AND simple. Win her back. I suffer till Christmas when I know were all coming home from school. The word gets out….Logans having a party at the coachman inn…..Yeah ..rented a conference room …..cool…yeah …spankin dude…The wheels are in motion. Music??.... Check. ….. Alcohol? … CHECK. Car?clothes?food? ……..Killer.
The place starts to fill up. The booze is loose. The music is loud. Faces appear in the dark and hugs are plenty. We sing. We dance. Ahh my friends…..a nite to remember. My party. Cool dude. One problem…..Its midnight and no show……. WHAT? …. Where IS she? Come ON!!! How can she NOT be here. The pain is.....all..new ..again. Fresh tears flow like she just told me goodbye.
I look over and two guys are literally having a fistfight IN the Christmas tree. People rush over…...half to break it up and half to keep it going. …. Fan…..tastic. I look to my left now that the crowd is entirely on the other side of the room and someone has kicked a door in….. Gr…..eat. I crunch over broken glass bottles to close the door and the phone rings…. “hello?” I try not to slur. “Sir this the manager….” I hang up. “EVVERRYYBODDYY OUUTTT” Time passes when you toximicated….I remember swaying and sweeping. Loyal folks cleaning things up in silence… unable to speak because it sounded like this. “I grinnnk flats a foo pamemy choots……k? “ I nod in agreement. The partys over. I cant take credit here.

You never call me up
When Im alone at nights
What can this poor boy do?
When he’s hopelessly in love with you

I understand. Bad wounds heal too slow for me to say it’s all good. At first it’s all bad. I’m with ya. Blind in a room with no doors. This is not cool dude.….What kind of demon is this that blows up your heart and demands you pretend to like a substitute in between months of loneliness? I’ll tell you. One that has to die. Love does come around again….. but only for those who remember what its all about and not just about how it ends.

Captain Kirk, the falls and Trading places

By now Im jumping up and down. Frig. Who does this song? More Jumping. Dude what IS the name of this tune? I start singing as the words come back to me.

It’s a rat race Mr briefcase
What do you keep in that bag of tricks?
Is there anything at all in that briefcase?

I run over to the XM box. “Lee Ritenour??” On XM? Really? Cool tune. No dude I’m sure you have NEVER heard this tune. Yeah it’s a rat race. Racing rats. Boxing bears? Kayaking kangaroos? Just kidding…..
When I was young I got the speech about “you can be anything you want.” ….and… “you should like what you do”. Makes sense. Third grade is fertile ground for ideas that don’t quite survive to adulthood. “You say I can be anything I want?” Yep. “Really?” If you put your mind to it…… cool dude ….. Im thinkin friggin astronaut here. No…. you be SPOCK I wanna be the captain. What? Oh….well how bout quarterback for the redskins? Oh yeah….dude…...WHAT NOW? Ok then …so….Ill own the team and decide to LET me play. Silence. Playboy photographer? …..yeah… Im likin this……….What do you mean math skills? What ARE you talking about? Garbage collector? Im takin that test again. Tests are stupid. Friggin rat race promoter. What kind of job is that?
Men are attached to their work. What are women attached to? I’m a guy I donna know. In a mans eyes what you do defines who you are. I’m telling you. A mans self worth is tied to his work. If his career direction is checkered so will his attitude be about a great many things. “No its not” yes it is dude. “No its not”. YES…. it is. “Uhuh….My uncle Bob….he…” Dude Im not sure what movie Bob watched but I ve seen trading places…..
I’m lucky. When work gets a bit out of hand there is this set of water falls less than a mile from the hospital. Really. Its nice. Stress relief? Its instant.... you know? The roar of the water pounding on dark wet rocks. Trees reflecting off the shallows and the water cold and clear. Little things float by. The moss is so soft you could sleep on it. No rats…….no race……
Work for most is not play. Its home that’s sanctuary. When a man is stressed at home there is no where to go for sanctuary. If the job stinks too then Houston we have a problem. Seriously. Guess who gets the bad end of that frustration? Ding Ding Ding!!!!! Men manifest their depression through anger.
I like Lee Ritenours job…..where do I apply? Damn it really is a rat race?? I forgot my cheese!

Post season, Apocalypse Now and the six million dollar man

Well…. Tis the end….the end of an era. No dude. Its over. OVER. man. I’m done…….. body count? Apocalypse now man. I cant take credit here

This is the end
Beautiful friend
Ill never look into your eyes.

Last game of the season. We won. I’m satisfied. Happy? Pleased? ….well….I can wait … A pinch of relief? ….Yeah…. Next season? Most definitely. Steve Austin….. Better…..stronger….faster…Not 6 million dollars worth but hey…..
Nothing broken. I’ve had things broken before. Sleepless nites, dazed days…….STUPID loneliness. All a mistake…..damn … my……….soul h u r t s. ECHO ECHO ECHO. Is anyone LISTENING TO ME???
….physical therapy?…..did she just ask ME out? …Ice?…. With tequila… rest?. ..….Were sleepin in ….. Compression? … Heat? …. Well……
Wait a minute….rebound is in basketball you moron. You know better than that. Take some of your own medicine. Better listen to what you preach…big boy. You can keep the spoonful of sugar.
Whats that dude? J Geils band?? Love stinks?.......dude turn that OFF!! It’s the end of the season not a funeral!!!
Did I love her? More than anything. Was it forever? It was supposed to be. Does she know? Yeah…..she knows.
Yeah the season is over……. Know what? Im already hungry for next season….Gimme the ball coach.

Marketing, Puff Daddy and A book and its cover

I used to read….…like…….ALL the time Friggin DEVOUR book after book. At my age I should know what books I like and which ones aren’t worth say…..dinner and a movie. Don’t you just hate it when the trailer turns out to be better than the movie?!!! I cant stand a bait and switch!! Heck yeah I’m judging a book by its cover and I hate being the target of a marketing exercise.. No dude….I want my money back. The cover on this book is Richard Dawkins. On the inside its like Puff Daddys autobiography….or something. No I don’t want to exchange it for another Puff Daddy book with the RIGHT cover. No dude…...I just want my heart…I mean….my money back. If I wanted to NOT get what I asked for I’d have done like…online dating… or something…. Jeez.

Wait a minute……this is a bait and switch isn’t it? Mhmm,,,yeah…..mhmm…how old is that profile picture? I can find that under fiction you say? Mhmm….some college….yeah…. Mhmm….yeah that studying part is rough… going back next semester….mhmm..…that’s good. .. ..Anesthesiology…. wow…..yeah……fantasy is in isle 2. Really? You like ALL kinds of music!?? Can you be a little more vague? You realize that told me nothing about you… Mhmm calliope? Opera? Fusion? Mhmm

I read somewhere that women have a distorted self image. Maybe some people just don’t spend enough time being introspective…I don’t know…Im sure theres an article by somebody somewhere….but theres a difference between taking a little artistic liberty with your personality and balls out lying. You can find that in the bargain bin. Look under the B’s for ……. Well …you know… ..Come to think of it I don’t buy those books at all. Bring it…. Bring the truth…..its stranger than fiction but it’s the only book worth reading……I don’t want to be a hypocrite. In my last post I admitted having a small secret or two myself…..but my last chapters not written yet and the older I get the more I like not having regrets…..How bout I just go to the library instead?? I’m likin this idea……Better still why don’t I just wait for the movie to come out…..I’m going to file this under self help……. isle 9.

Things hidden, The Kentucky speedway and the train to funkytown

I hear Bob Dylan in Tom Petty. I hear the Beatles in ELO. The connection is easy. What? You missed it? Try again …. ….Its ok …..….I missed it the first time around too. But its there….clear as day. So clear in fact Im puzzled how I didn’t see it. How can you miss that??? Its not like its hidden AT ALL.
I’ve had things hidden from me in the past. And I confess, I have hidden things (albeit minor) from past partners (nothing in the fidelity arena…I walk like I talk). Boy that trust is a train. Im with ya. You wreck that thing and it does not come back. Betray a lovers trust and there is little left except lip service, the sounds of crickets and broken hearts. Done. Finito. Monogamy’s definition is not plural.
I’m pretty capable. Im not going to toot my horn too loud but I can work on more things than not. Dude that’s a trainwreck. Yeah……. I wanted it to go to funkytown and she wanted it to go to …..chaosville…...or some place…….no….no its busted. Yes I’m sure. I’m lookin right at it. What? ….. no I cant put it back on the tracks…..haha….. what? I guess Im walkin ….Its all good…...Ill rent a car in the next town….
The Kentucky speedway is new. Wide eyes and springy steps. Its Adrenalin junkie heaven. Vendors hawking dreams to grown men who are instantly boys again. The fans are walking souvenirs and colors are everywhere. The smell of grilled onions and steak is addictive and the lines move and buzz.. We dive in and the crowd swallows us like a swift tide….Tony Kanaan walks by. I enjoy the spoils of having the world reveal itself….Nothing hidden…It tastes ….….sweet. There will be no train wrecks today. …We catch the race and it’s a barnburner. Really.
I see a lot of train wrecks. I see a lot of people climb back in the train too. I see people in denial about being in train wrecks. What are you doing dude? Im fixing this train. Really???? You can do that? Some things seem obvious to me. Treat the train well. Take care of it. Its important. My heart is on that train. Ya know? And I am NOT taking the bus. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. Next stop…….funky town…….


.

The contract, Pablo Cruise and growing up

Oh, but it's all right
Once you get past the pain
You'll learn to find your love again
So keep your heart open
'Cause love will find a way…..

Rock and roll lessons courtesy of Pablo cruise 1977
And if that’s not enough to make you see the light…

Sometimes we all feel a need to change
Our love we have to rearrange
And move on to something new, yes you do
LOL
Its time to find your place in the sun…..

Boy I like it when joy comes round. As an adult I really hate to hear a woman say “you need to grow up”. I read somewhere that as we age men are happier than women…this is not good news I don’t think. I know my corner of personal happiness sometimes comes from thinking like I did when I was young. I would hate to lose that. In fact its something I look for in a woman. When you’re young your heart is a bit more flexible it seems to me. Some girls have it all sewn up. The guy fits …..here. These are the rules. “You see I don’t play games”……..yes I can see that….clearly. You don’t play games. May I have a copy of the agenda then? Is there an itinerary perhaps?
Love is work its true. But I think of it as making music in a way. When I sit at my drums…its not really work.. Love means give and take. Dude Im the bass player. There is no attention over here. Love means commitment. Don’t stop playing dude even if you mess up. Love is forgiving. Dude what WERE you playing over there? Cause that’s wasn’t the song we were playing…. LOL. Love is kind and unselfish. Dude you take the first solo. Its all good.

Im not saying anything you don’t already know. And my thoughts about the subject might not appeal to some but NOW HEAR THIS. I would much rather have my purist, unspoiled, genuine, untainted, expectations of love than your _uckin grown up contract that you expect to be broken attitude. You’ve priced that item so you can keep it. When you bring it…. Bring Pablo cruise. If that sounds silly to you …..you wont mind if I base my thoughts of love on…….say……my experiences in football? Sign here please.

The Dream, a mask and the King of pain

I had a marriage. I mean….I was married. It didn’t go so well. Can you relate?. Strength? Resolve? Determined? I was a rock. It wasn’t long before the distance came. No matter….. I could run it down. Then the pressure…ok ……I had big shoulders. The weight….I knew when to rest. I’m good. Ok …we got height now? Smug smirk …..I can climb……
And so it went……….and went……..
I will not quit until I plug in. There is a way in. I’ll find it. She has one. I will find a crack in that mask before I run out of will power. Easy. I am unable to give up. I am going to hold onto this while its being sucked away. Faster and faster. I will not let go. Until the lying……………the cheating ….. was clear …..pouring over the roar in my ears. I cant take credit here…..

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
(That`s my soul up there)
It's the same old thing as yesterday

Oh Man……
I was suffering…but she would have to take my heart for me to be the king of pain. Sorry. No deal. You can kill the marriage but you cant kill me.
True story……I dream Im in the desert. Walking alongside the car. My hand on the knob. Shes inside, chauffeured, looking straight ahead. The door will not open… we go on. She sits. I walk. Days pass. The car is steady, silent and slow. She doesn’t move. I realize im holding onto the door with one hand…. dragging my body along the sand. Im numb. delirious. unable to speak. I can’t think or feel or remember letting go. A stone to the ground. I twist my neck and open an eye to see the car roll slowly over a dune in the distance. ……
Then I woke up. There was no plug. She didn’t have one. I was searching. Sure to find it. I grinned.. She had no plug. There WAS no way in. I smiled bigger. It got better. There was nothing behind the mask to get to. WHAT? …..There was nothing behind the mask to get to. She was hollow. ….. Empty. ….. I began to laugh. I wasn’t dead. I was free.

The party store , Cincinnati, and golden choices

Ok …….. made a choice… its all good…your supposed to feel good about your decisions right? I am. Things don’t always turn out the way I want but I tell you I feel like royalty when the world opens so I can see it up close. And when I have to choose between bad or worse I do it standing up. Bring the dragons, they will have to pay too.
Every once in a while you get to choose between good and better…....
The road trip to Cincinnati has the air of escapism and freedom and I pat the driver’s side door….arm out the window. The hills move, and I squint at the sky. My son smiles and his hair blows while old Van Halen makes the car fly like it runs on the taste of tequila and rekindled youth. Some choices don’t need 20/20
The drive in…… satisfies……..…we slow to drink in the stadium……..the bridges……….urban prowess rises here……… The party store is 5 blocks across the river from the Reds Stadium. We Run inside. Camera. Drinks. Jerky. Pistachios. A bag of boyhood delight. We spill peanut shells everywhere and the game is a wonderful memory of laughter and bonding that only comes when love is effortless.
…..Bring it….
Love is hard. It can jade you. It can leave you sleepless. Unavailable. Broken. Guarded. Hesitant . Sometimes it doesn’t give you back what you need…or want….or deserve…True…. BUT ……….Effortless love is golden….get your piece…..its worth it…...

Hitch, top gun and dancin on the ceiling

I love to dance…I rarely get a chance….hey that rhymes…..RIP Vanilla Ice….BUT back in the day…(oh god here we go) …Earth wind and fire? Soulsonic force? Curtis Blow? OK ….enough….remember how much fun that was? I watched Hitch the other night…..I sure hope I don’t look like that….
Remember how the dance was effortless when you were young….the rules of engagement were different then…top gun indeed…remember when falling in love couldn’t be stopped? Nothing to hold you back? Effortless? Head over heels?....the dance was different then…..it sounds corny but that shirt has it right…”dance like no one is watching”…..
People dance differently now……..”she’s too guarded” “he works too much” “she has too much baggage” ”Hes too selfish”…. If youre not going to dance…get off the floor….who wants a dancing partner that cant hear the music?.......listen……
It doesn’t make much sense to get fixed up, go out, pay the door fee, walk to the edge of the dance floor and ……stand there. ….sounds to me like a song and dance….is this it? A song and dance? ..thats what you got?.......
Go home……seriously… Look in the mirror and dance like you don’t care. If you cant….. go get dancing lessons. See you next Friday……..same DJ.........