whatcha ona bout girl??

whatcha ona bout girl??
A retrospective on the inner workings of love, flying pancakes, mensa disasters, dandelion cookies, number bending, super salt, bubblegum oysters, chicken spit, crystal kidneys, guerilla carrots, polychromatic tofu, paraphysics, tender vigilanties, black sand, phillastine placebos, wood soup, buttered shuttlecocks, apostrophe training, fish whips, bleeding speed, plastic fantastic lobster telephones, venus drug rehab, clowns on fire, kiosks on a leash, marshmello overcoats, bottled light, fried blood, unbridled hyperthyroidism, folding wine, amygdula tickling, fainting in coils, hamburgers for the apocalypse, plastic memes, and conjugal fritters.....well...the love parts true

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Dream, a mask and the King of pain



I had a marriage. I mean….I was married. It didn’t go so well. Can you relate?. Strength? Resolve? Determined? I was a rock. It wasn’t long before the distance came. No matter….. I could run it down. Then the pressure…ok ……I had big shoulders. The weight….I knew when to rest. I’m good. Ok …we got height now? Smug smirk …..I can climb……
And so it went……….and went……..
I will not quit until I plug in. There is a way in. I’ll find it. She has one. I will find a crack in that mask before I run out of will power. Easy. I am unable to give up. I am going to hold onto this while its being sucked away. Faster and faster. I will not let go. Until the lying……………the cheating ….. was clear …..pouring over the roar in my ears. I cant take credit here…..

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
(That`s my soul up there)
It's the same old thing as yesterday

Oh Man……
I was suffering…but she would have to take my heart for me to be the king of pain. Sorry. No deal. You can kill the marriage but you cant kill me.
True story……I dream Im in the desert. Walking alongside the car. My hand on the knob. Shes inside, chauffeured, looking straight ahead. The door will not open… we go on. She sits. I walk. Days pass. The car is steady, silent and slow. She doesn’t move. I realize im holding onto the door with one hand…. dragging my body along the sand. Im numb. delirious. unable to speak. I can’t think or feel or remember letting go. A stone to the ground. I twist my neck and open an eye to see the car roll slowly over a dune in the distance. ……
Then I woke up. There was no plug. She didn’t have one. I was searching. Sure to find it. I grinned.. She had no plug. There WAS no way in. I smiled bigger. It got better. There was nothing behind the mask to get to. WHAT? …..There was nothing behind the mask to get to. She was hollow. ….. Empty. ….. I began to laugh. I wasn’t dead. I was free.

11 comments:

Kimberly said...

This was all over the place. Are you down and out today?

f1trey said...

LOL I remember someone said "love schmove"..... no im good thanks for asking!....all over the place? really? I was thinking it was areal testament to survival and that others who had been through it would relate! oh well! Did I mention i was a bass player?

Kimberly said...

Let me share this with you --- http://www.authspot.com/Thoughts/Death-of-a-Relationship.138464

It happened just this way & 5 years later I am not in a much better place.

f1trey said...

@kimberly Is that your old posting? Mine wanted out too.....so.....I let her go....the pain was gone after that. I found I was the only one in the relationship so I got to call the shots. She wasnt in it. She wasnt there. So letting go was easy. It was the holding on that gave me pain. Let it go.

Kimberly said...

I am still holding on & there is minimal pain but pain nonetheless. Sometimes I sit in my wedding dress and smear red lipstick all over my face. JK. But I feel like if I don't eventually let it go, I might just become that person.

f1trey said...

Nothing heals in a day....It was different for me...I let go of something bad....But I have also had to let go of something good. I did the best I could so I didnt worry about "what if I had..." I learned alot from both partners....

The Romantic Seul said...

"I smiled bigger. It got better. There was nothing behind the mask to get to."

I'm so there with ya. Sweet release. After all my striving, the emperor had no clothes the whole time! I'm free! And just look at how strong I've gotten, striving!

f1trey said...

@Romantic Seul I knew you would agree!!! When I let go I shoved with satisfaction and aaahhhhh.....blissful clarity...I had my life back.

Kimberly said...

Trey...email me - I have a question for you - fortheloveofthebag@yahoo.com .

Barbarella said...

A british band - great choice!

Love, Evolution, and Resilience said...

Holy crap... this is good. I mean really really good. Ok, crying again. Kleenex, a must have.